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Woman kicks out BF when he pressures her to put brother in foster care. 'Come ON. He's an affair child!' AITA? UPDATED.

Woman kicks out BF when he pressures her to put brother in foster care. 'Come ON. He's an affair child!' AITA? UPDATED.


When this woman feels like she's being pressured to choose between her unhinged brother and BF, she asks Reddit:

"AITAH for kicking BF out because he wanted to let my younger brother go into the foster system?"

I (26f) recently lost my dad. He had a 15 year old son, my half brother Parker. No one in my family wants to take him due to the fact that he’s my dad’s affair child, which he conceived during my late mom’s cancer treatment. Despite this, I love Parker dearly. Regardless of my dad’s massive assholery, Parker is my little brother.

I work in a lucrative field and own a nice condo which my (now ex) boyfriend Colin lived in with me rent free, he did contribute to utilities and other expenses though. We have the perfect home for Parker, and I can’t for the life of me think of a single reason that we couldn’t take him.

When I brought it up with Colin, he said that she didn’t want to. I asked why, and he said that he just doesn’t feel like looking after a kid. I reminded him that Parker is 15 and won’t need constant attention or babysitting or anything like that, and Colin said that Parker would need “emotional attention” because he lost his father.

I asked if he would really rather throw a fifteen year old kid into the foster system than deal with the emotional needs of said fifteen year old, and Colin said “yes” while looking a bit shameful.

I ended up giving him the ultimatum that Parker and I are a package deal, that I would be taking guardianship and that Parker would be moving in. I made it clear that the only choice Colin had was if he wanted to keep the relationship and stay in the house.

He called me heartless for choosing my “cheating dad’s bastard son” over our five year relationship. I called him heartless for talking that way about a literal child, and he looked at me astonished and went to start packing.

I love my ex, I really do, but Parker comes first. He’s my own flesh and blood, the only brother I have, meanwhile there are plenty of other men out there. Still, my heart is breaking now that Colin’s moved out.

I miss him, but I don’t regret my decision. Every time I think about what could have happened to my brother in foster care, I feel more love for my brother and less for Colin. My entire friend group has sided with Colin and pretty much ghosted me, which is what’s giving my pause here. Was I an asshole for what I did?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

nervousinternal writes:

I hate all the people trying to qualify your relationship with your brother as less than just because he’s your half brother.

Sure, you can cut family out of your life if they are shitty people even though they’re family. But your brother isn’t less deserving of your love or help just because he’s your half brother or even an affair baby.

I am a half sister and we love and respect each other without conditions. My sisters are wonderful people and I would die for them. Half or not, sharing even one drop of blood makes them my sisters.

Your poor brother isn’t responsible for how he came into this world and he’s so lucky his compassionate and loving sister can recognize that and love him for who he is, your brother.

tidbry writes:

NTA. Parker didn’t choose his parents. He is lucky you are able to step up and take him and he will forever be grateful to you for that.

Colin, your friends, they are all TA. You are a thousand times better off without them. Kudos to you for stepping up and being there for Parker.

It’s you and Parker vs the world. As you said, a packaged deal and anyone who can’t accept that, fawk them. I’m sorry Colin was too selfish to accept Parker.

sewformal writes:

NTA. Important that you make sure Parker knows that your break up is not his fault, and he hasn't "ruined" your life. When I was pregnant with my second child we took in my then teenage BIL.

Soon after I was put on bed rest because I started preterming. Poor kid thought it was his fault due to "stress he caused". Had to reassure him several times that it wasn't his fault.

zipzapzada writes:

I’m not going to judge a-hole or not because ultimately what anyone else thinks is immaterial.

Who is more important and who needs you more - Colin or Parker? If you had taken Colin’s side and put Parker in the system, would you have been able to go on with your life as if this had never happened?

At the end of the day, you are the only one who has to live with your conscience. Which decision would be easier to explain to the person looking back at you from the mirror?

(Not that it apparently matters but is Parker’s mother not around? It seems that she would be the obvious person to take care of him.)

Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how you’re both doing.EDIT to add: if you’re in the US, Parker is eligible for government SSI benefits until he’s 18. That’s available for all children when a parent becomes deceased.

Even though you have a lucrative career and may not need the money, Colin is entitled to it. Contact the Social Security admin and apply. If nothing else, put it into a college first home fund for him).

darthmobi writes:

YTA. I get where your coming from. But YTA for telling him that your brother comes first over a 5 year relationship.

You gave him no other choice than to leave. Now he was TA in how he came across but you didn't give him any consideration, in deciding how your relationship would evolve.

No matter the situation i would never have just sprung it on my partner, it would be a conversation, then if we both felt that strongly we'd end it. But i'd never force that sort of decision on someone i cared for. YTA.

slashfan9 writes:

A lot of the comments saying NTA I think are under the impression that Colin was already an ex before you kicked him out, but my take is that you were in a relationship, you gave him the ultimatum, and then ended it when he left.

You lived with him for 5 years and now all of a sudden he’s been booted out, and now has to find somewhere else to live. You tried to force him to accept something he didn’t want to accept.

If he’s your partner, he should be your number one concern (unless you have your own children). After all the partner is the one you presumably saw yourself living your life with, maybe starting a family with, etc.

You asked him, you didn’t like the answer he honestly gave you, and you gave him the ultimatum. You were with him long before this ever happened so for you to say Parker now comes first is quite heartless.

I’m glad he left for his sake. Considering Colin has done NOTHING wrong here, (he just admitted he didn’t want a teenager living with him which is completely understandable) and his situation was caused by you, yeah YTA. Massively so.

OP then provides these updates:

I understand that for some people, DNA isn’t everything, and it certainly isn’t the end all be all for me, but it is important to me. That being said, regardless of who has whose DNA, I consider him my full brother.

None of that half bullshit. And yeah, my dad was a cheating s-bag, how does that reflect on my brother at all? Idk man, I hope your parent never cheats and that their affair child never needs your help.

I’m relatively well off, educated, and good looking (if I do say so myself). The right kind of man doesn’t mind me taking care of my little bro. Still, I’d rather be single forever than let my brother down. He’s a good kid, wouldn’t hurt a fly. That’s why I was taken aback when my ex said he didn’t want to take him in.

More readers responded to OP's update:

doremipanda writes:

NTA YOU DODGED A BULLET W YOUR EX AND CRAPPY FRIENDS. You are a good person for this and for not abandoning your brother, even if it is half. Sure he came as the result of an affair but the only person to blame for the is your father.

None of that is Parkers fault and the fact that everyone is against over something he had LITERALLY NO CONTROL OVER WHATSOEVER is appalling to say the least. If that is the only reason that your "friends" and your ex don't like the kid, not only is that heartless but again soo stupid.

He's a child, plain and simple. You're doing great and I know it might not feel like it now but you'll feel it eventually. In the meantime I would have rhe crisis holiness, both call and text saved into both you and parkers devices as a just in case for grieving or anything until therapy can be situated if necessary.

Crisis hotlibe isn't just for crisis but when you just need someone. Sometimes my therapist is away and I don't wanna speak to the others there so I call up crisis if I need to and they'll give you half hour to let it all out.

I wish you peace and comfort in this dire time. I hope you and Parker become the best of housemates and family. Thank you OP for seeing Parker as the child he is.

Looks like the jury's kind of out on this one. What do YOU think? What would YOU do in this situation?

Sources: Reddit
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