Woman's brother outs their sister as gay at his wedding; bride threatens divorce, FIL tries to sue bride; CPS gets involved. BIG UPDATE
When this woman is horrified by her family's behavior at her brother's wedding, she tells the internet:
"My brother outed our sister at his wedding reception for no reason at all; his fiance then left him the next morning, but my brother and our dad are trying to sue her...wtf?"
My brother and his fiance were married last weekend, but my sister (Iris) has been punished and yelled at a lot this week. My brother and I don't have a great relationship, and when he lived with us, he barely spent any time with us either.
My parents paid for him to go to college, and before last weekend, they were planning to help me and my sister go too. My brother didn't have to pay for gas as long as his grades were good, and they also bought him a car as well. My mom doesn't work (she stays at home), but my dad brings in over $100,000 a year.
However, as a result of what happened last week, my parents told my sister that they're not letting her do sports (she currently does dance) or hang out with friends until she apologizes among other things (including talking to someone at church), and they've barely gotten on my brother (Matt) for humiliating her last week.
When I tried to defend her and talk to them on her behalf, they also yelled at me and said that they wouldn't pay for me to go to college if I don't stop because I should "know it's wrong", but when I continued to argue with them, they said I'm not allowed to work next year and that I won't be taking Driver's Ed either.
I don't know what made my brother out her last week, but he used to always complain about things my sister and I would be allowed to do before he could (like getting a cell phone earlier and stuff like that), but that shouldn't have anything to do with it at all.
When he spoke at the reception, he said that he felt led to say something that was on his mind and told everyone that my sister is gay. Everyone at the reception fell silent. And then everything blew up. He also said that she needed prayer to get support, and my parents had no idea that she was gay either.
I knew because my sister told me some time back, but when I asked if she ever told Matt after the wedding, she said she didn't, but that she told Ariana (Matt's fiance).
Ariana would sometimes drive my sister to sports if my parents couldn't, and they became close and would sometimes go out for ice cream too. I wasn't particularly close with her, but she was close to her.
Iris said that Ariana was very supportive when she told her about it and how she was afraid to tell her parents. and she also said that Ariana showed her some resources when they would go out for ice cream or sports too. However, the only way that she figured Matt would know, was if she somehow told him and thought that he'd be safe.
That's her best guess about how he found out, but my parents are fairly religious and opinionated on such matters, and that's why she was punished this week too. I used to know someone in my friend group who was gay, and my parents weren't crazy about him and encouraged me to not hang around him too.
His parents went to our church, but he wasn't really religious, and dad said that his parents were "failing him" among other things and how he will be "punished" because "God never intended for that".
They also have views on abortion that I disagree with that they roped into their purity stuff too, but that's not here nor there.
Iris was embarrassed and started crying after he outed her, and while dad later told my brother that he didn't like him saying that in front of everyone, he still yelled at her and took away sports and seeing friends until she talks to someone at church that hasn't happened yet, and he's also yelled at me for trying to stand up for her.
I could care less about what happens with my college because she's barely talking to me and mom took away her phone and laptop too, and she also was spanked when they talked about it too.
Dad didn't show that he was upset at her at the wedding, but he's been yelling at her ever since we got back and a lot of times this week, and I don't know what to d.
My brother also said that Ariana went to her parent's the day after the wedding and has been staying there, and as of right now, she hasn't come back yet. He's also come over to talk to my parents, but I think that was more about Ariana for the most part.
I can't tell you how much I hate him because she won't talk to me, but when I tried to tell my parents that they are wrong to punish her, they just cursed at me and took away some of my privileges too...
and they also said that I won't be going to Driver's Ed or working because I was "being disrespectful" and that if I keep it up, they won't pay for my college either, and I just feel hopeless.
Is there anything I can do to get through to her or my parents before she has to talk to someone about what happened?
My sister said she's scared because she's never seen them that upset when they talked to her, and she won't be able to do sports or see friends or play games or watch TV or have her phone until she talks to some people at church, and she doesn't know what they're gonna say either. Is there anything I can do to help assure her before that happens?
Edit: I'm going to talk to a teacher about it, and I'm considering telling her to just nod along and perhaps lie for her own safety whenever she talks to someone at church because it's better than our parents thinking it didn't work and sending her to some conversion therapy.
About Ariana, I'm honestly not sure and wonder if perhaps this was a matter of couples not keeping secrets, along with how she'd have no idea that he would ever do such a thing.
My sister said that she actually regretted reaching out because when she told her to keep it a secret, she should've known that couples probably don't keep secrets to use her words, although no one really figured that Matt would ever do that.
Looking at her past actions, she's drove my sister to sports and ice cream to provide her outlets and venting about her coming out (which hadn't happened yet and probably won't now or anytime soon) along with resources.
So, I don't think it was malicious besides sharing things because couples don't keep secrets sometimes, but we don't know for sure, and my sister actually wondered if Ariana tried to reach out to her, but because my parents took her phone, she has no way of knowing for sure.
It's also important to note that Ariana went to stay in her parents' hotel the day after the reception and has ghosted Matt after what he did at the reception.
Before we give you OP's update, let's read some of the top responses:
missamam writes:
I would seek help through authorities but start recording everything your parents do. They'll deny it of course but your brother ruined everything. I would inform them their actions bought them a one way ticket to hell because they believed a sinner and abused a child over his jealousy.
If it was true why did his wide leave him? If he wasn't set on damning himself and didn't care about bringing your parents down with him why is none of their threats working.
Tell your friend if they don't hear from you by a certain time daily or several times to call the cops because you're in danger. Let your parents know people know what they're doing and the cops won't listen to their excuses for abuse. I wish you both the best of luck.
acerbicusername writes:
Right now it’s best to keep you and your sister safe. If that means lying and playing perfect do it. Then at 18, pack your shit and never look back. This is the correct strategy.
Some parents can be reasoned with, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here, and the more your sister pushes back the more they’re going to make her life a living hell the next four years.
Also, I would advise against using language like “he humiliated her”. Your sister has no reason to feel embarrassed or humiliated any more that she should feel embarrassed for having blonde hair or brown eyes. Accepting that language is a tacit endorsement that being gay is something to feel ashamed of.
OP then provides this update:
My sister was really afraid of having to talk to someone at church, and the pastor she ended up talking to was one of the senior pastors. She hoped that it would be someone from youth, but dad said that I couldn't be there with her when they talked, and he didn't tell me when they'd be talking either.
I figured it'd be on Sunday or Friday at youth and planned to just follow whenever they took her, but mom took her straight from school on a day when I had sports afterward and didn't expect it, and she didn't tell Iris that she was taking her to the church until they were actually en-route to the building.
I hate how she went around my back to do it, but that's what she did and Iris had no time to prepare.
I tried to talk to her when I got back and asked what happened, but she refused to tell me anything and is still refusing to, and she was still visibly upset after it too. I tried to tell her again that the safest thing to do is probably lie and lay low so that it passes sooner and they don't give her a hard time...
and I told her that before that day too, but I still don't know what happened because she won't tell me, and she's recently begun to lash out at me for trying to talk to her. She was distant before, but now she just gets upset and wants nothing to do with me at all.
I was also able to talk to a teacher a few days after my first post, and I told her everything that I pretty much had written before.
She agreed that my parents were being ridiculous about everything and that my brother was just as bad as them, but she also said that she would have to report it, and I told her that I wanted her to do that too, since she was also spanked in the aftermath of the reception.
However, when she said that she could try to talk to Iris, I told her that maybe she would open up to her because she wanted nothing to do with me even after I told her about my intentions to tell a teacher, only for her to just get angry and tell me to leave her alone.
She said that she would try and have to report it regardless, but my parents talked to me after they received a call from someone that they refused to specify about what happened.
But they told me that Iris told them that I spoke to a teacher which led to them getting a call and that they want me to leave Iris alone and stop talking about our family.
Dad also said that I no longer have my college fund and that he'll be using the money to help Matt try to sue Ariana for being "abusive" by ghosting him the day after the reception and that he'll kick me out if I bother Iris again.
He didn't want me talking to her, but I was able to at school because there was no way that he could prevent us there, but as of writing this, there has not been a visit from anyone to our home. But, again, she wanted nothing to do with me and tried to avoid me with the exception of telling me to leave her alone and just getting upset.
As of writing this, she still wants nothing to do with me, and she has been talking to my parents a lot more without the screaming from the aftermath of the reception.
However, Ariana broke her silence along with her parents and told others why she left and that she wanted nothing to do Matt, and mom said that she was "slandering" Matt which is why she wants to sue her too.
Ariana said she didn't know that Matt had such feelings towards his sister and that he was homophobic when he came across the LGBTQ resources she was acquiring for Iris and asked about who they were for.
Personally, I didn't think that she tried to hurt Iris because it made no sense that Matt/dad would try to sue her if she agreed.
She also said that she wanted a divorce as well. However, dad took to social media and wrote that Ariana had previously tried to pressure Iris into sexual activity when she drove her to sports and that it led to her being "confused" about being gay and that she tried to assault her.
He also said that Iris told him about it, but I don't believe Iris told him that at all because he said it after she broke her silence. But when I went to ask Iris, she still refused to talk to me.
I tried to stress to her that it's important to know because dad's accusing her of something that's very dangerous. But, she still refused to tell me much, and dad made this post a couple of days ago, so it's still fresh.
He also has a lawyer that's working with him and Matt, but Iris is only talking to our parents, so I feel really lost. Maybe they're pressuring her to avoid me and say nothing, but she still won't tell me much.
When I asked her if dad made up that lie about Ariana, she refused to answer and just got upset, but when I asked if they were pressuring her into saying nothing, she didn't respond either and just asked me to leave.
However, when I directly asked if Ariana had ever done anything to her, she shook her head but didn't give me any more than that, and I honestly believe she's being pressured into saying nothing and that they're possibly threatening her with further punishment.
Should I keep trying to talk to her at this point, or should I just keep going through my teacher? Iris refused to talk to my teacher last time and also told my parents that I had gone to talk to her too.
A few people recommended the police last time too, but after my teacher said she would have to report to CPS, no one showed up and now dad has a lawyer. I'm pretty sure they called because of the talk mom and dad had though.
Does the fact that dad has a lawyer mean that CPS won't show because someone's legally involved, and would that go for the police too? I feel so lost and just want to help her, but I want to ask for help because there's so much going on.
I'm sorry for this being so long, but I'm really lost on what to do next and just need advice on how to proceed from here.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:
katakitty writes:
I really hope these kids are ok. Those parents and the brother are just horrible. Not everyone should have kids. If you can't handle a gay kid, you shouldn't have any.
One of my biggest questions is how the topic of the LGBTQ+ never came up between the brother and his wife BEFORE they talked about his sister?
If someone was going out of their way to connect with a sad gay kid and find them resources, you'd think they would want to marry and potentially have kids with someone who isn't a raging homophobe? As someone with two LGBTQ+ siblings, that topic was brought up VERY early on in the dating phase. It's a deal breaker for me.
How can you go through a whole relationship up to MARRIAGE and never have the "what happens if our kid is gay/trans/disabled/etc?" conversation? Especially if you know they're parents are very conservative.
That is just so confusing for me. I can't tell if this is just a case of the wife being too scared to have that conversation because she doesn't want to leave him or being naive enough to think she could change the brother's views.
futterpetit writes:
it's sad when people do this to their children. My parents forced me to study at an islamic secondary school bcs they want me to have more knowledge in my religion, at the same time have an experience they never got the chance to have when they were young. I did not, and never, want to go there AT ALL.
I just want a normal school life. The syllabus are the same! Sucks even more bcs 2 sisters of mine were also students of that school. I did learn a lot, but everything sucks. I wish I never went there.
Since then, I slowly despise my parents, and sadly to say, I also despise my religion a bit. Not bcs the religion itself, but my parents and all the ppl I've met.
orphanizzy writes:
The brother or Agent of Destruction! I mean way to go AHole. We’ve all got things on our minds but some of those things are better just left there- maybe forever.
It’s pretty scary how one phrase said in one moment that was totally unnecessary especially given the event marking the start of a new married life could drastically alter the future for so many people so significantly that probably no one was the same after that day.
I don’t know how well the brother could predict what would happen if he made that announcement, but talk about an act complete and total self sabotage.
After things fall to total chaos it was hard to read the toxic horrible way the family managed things throughout the rest of the post. Deplorable and deceitful crap that will just ruin more lives.
kaiser93 writes:
I'm sending best wishes to oop and her sister. Y'all do not deserve to go through this, no one does. Thank u op for reposting this on here. I'm glad that this is getting attention.
Please share this everywhere you can, man, even contact ur local news station and see if they can cover this. It seems like it may be one of the only viable ways out considering how shit cps is at doing their job.
These girls are in serious danger, and the longer they're in that household, the worse things are gonna get. If oop sees this, please know we all support you and your sister. You are incredibly brave for sharing this. We will find a way out for you two.