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Woman is 'brutally honest' with ex-fiancé, declines marriage after saying yes to the ring. AITA?

Woman is 'brutally honest' with ex-fiancé, declines marriage after saying yes to the ring. AITA?


"AITA for being brutally honest as to why I declined marrying him after saying yes to the ring?"

My F41 now ex-boyfriend, Justin M45 and I started out as FWB. I really wanted a relationship but didn't want to do anything to overstep. When I felt that I was catching feelings, I tried to low-key distance myself I'm order to avoid getting hurt.

Eventually, he wrote me and said he wanted a completely committed relationship, but I had my doubts since his change came out of the blue. We started dating exclusively and 3 years later, I'm conflicted because he made me promise that I will never leave him after his business partner cut him off only months before going on their own and becoming very successful.

I promised, but I really want to end the relationship. 1.5 years later, he's attempted to start different businesses only to get fired, ghosted, or cut off by his partners. He doesn't allow me to ask questions, and he gets very offended and defensive. I understand this is a grief situation. He wants to be successful so badly, and I truly understand how he feels.

I was in a similar roller coaster/vicious circle over 10 years ago, but I went back to college, and after that, I worked really hard at only associating with solid prospects. In order to be able to do that, I put significant time and effort on building my resume to gain credibility.

This is where Justin and I are clashing. He says he will never go back to school and believes that only good contacts build opportunities. I thought this could be workable, but it's gotten more challenging.

4 weeks ago, Justin took me on a surprise date, was super attentive, and had the restaurant play our song. He proposed, took a knee, and did the whole thing. I was shocked because he scoffed at romantic gestures and sometimes won't hold my hand in public. I said yes because I got carried away in the moment and because I wouldn't dream of embarrassing him.

He's been asking for my financial information. I understand any couple who wants to get married needs to put things on the table, but since I wasn't expecting to get engaged, I wasn't planning on making any disclosures.

I'm not ready to disclose my monthly revenue down to a T, or give him details about my side line that brings passive income. I'm also concerned that he's been insistent on knowing exactly how I run my business, wants to know my clients, and wants to know who my service suppliers are. I know this sounds awful but no, I can't rule out giving this to someone who might screw me over.

His insistent behavior has been extremely stressful and is one of the main reasons why I don't want to get married. My other reason is that he's become very triggered to the point that he rants for long periods whenever someone he knows achieves something. The last time this happened, he yelled and screamed while driving. I've suggested therapy, but he gets angry.

He noticed that I'm acting differently so we had a long talk. I said I cannot marry someone who's always angry because other people find success and that I'm not willing to get married because I'm uncomfortable sharing the information that he is asking, and that I know he would hate a prenup.

Also, a prenuptial agreement is my hill to die on, and it's non-negotiable. I did apologize for not telling him right away but I needed him to be calm so that we could talk. His reaction was terribly painful. He ugly cried immediately after learning that this is my final decision.

I don't know how to describe it, but I felt a mix of pain, embarrassment, and anger. He also said I'm his last chance at finding a stable life and somehow made me feel like in his eyes, dating me is an achievement. This is significantly difficult for me to ignore. I also returned the ring and all of his belongings.

He asked for a second conversation. This time, I chose a public place. He begged and made many promises. I hate feeling this way, but I also know this is the end of our relationship. He tried to keep talking as I was ready to drive off and held on to my door while I pulled away, causing a scene.

This is where I might be the ahole. He called me several times, and we ended up having a bitter argument. I said I didn't want any further contact and that our last in person meeting was disgusting, that I can't possibly contemplate a life with a guy who not only figuratively latches on to people but also did it when I was driving off and that it was pathetic and a spoiler of our future.

He said I just made him lose his will to keep fighting for his goals. I hung up and cried a bit because despite everything, I don't have the right to humiliate him. Also, he has been begging for intimacy but I said I'm past wanting a physical relationship. His family has been texting me and asking me to reconsider because he's depressed. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

blueberryxxoo said:

NTA You dodged a bullet with that one. There's a reason you're have good instincts and you're intelligent. It sounds like he wanted to ride your coattails..maybe take over your business...this was not about love but about him trying to find a way to get that illusive success through you.

ShadowedTrillium said:

NTA. Boundaries. You have them and he doesn’t respect them. If he can’t be happy with himself, there is no way he will be happy with someone else.

KnightKrawler68 said:

NTA It’s clear from an outsiders perspective that he has had issues for quite some time with everyone which is probably why his business relationships go bad.

Fredredphooey said:

NTA. No one who is genuinely interested in you as a person would not be asking to divulge all of your business information, let alone harass you for it. He claims you're his last chance for stability means that he's assuming you're his meal ticket because he's not willing or able to find out what he's doing wrong and learn new ways of doing business. You're right to leave and block him.

veloxaraptor said:

NTA. You didn't embarrass him. He embarrassed himself. Seriously. No self-respecting adult would make the kind of scene he did. Furthermore, you're not responsible for him, his life, or his emotions. He's the one making bad choices after bad choices. He's the one refusing any therapy. He's the one who put himself in this position. Don't let anyone guilt you or make you believe otherwise. You dodged a dang warhead.

changelingcd said:

Well done, OP. You dealt with some serious pressure there and reversed a bad decision. He's in a LOT more debt than you know (I don't have the slightest doubt of that) and your "promise to never leave" is not a factor: you can't hold people to that kind of thing as situations and feelings change. Move on and let him look after himself. NTA.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for these exes?

Sources: Reddit
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