Woman calls husband 'not a great father'; doesn't want 3rd child. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband that I don't want to be a single mom of three kids?"
So, my husband (42m) and me (31f) have been married for 12 years. We have two kids (8m and 4f). Our marriage is not great. His mother and sister often give unsolicited advice on my parenting, our marriage and life in general. It is better in last few months, since I sit down my husband (multiple times), we talked and this time he listened, so they backed of. Not completely but it is better.
In last few weeks, husband started mentioning having a third child, which feels me with dread. I love children, always wanted a big family, but it would be too much. I cook, clean, take care of kids and work part time from home.
He doesn't really help with house (which I am fine with) nor with kids (which is a problem). I changed all diapers, woke up at night, I take care of fevers, doctor appointments, school, playdates, everything
Mere thought of now going through another pregnancy, than taking care of a baby makes me want to cry. I know I would have to do it all practically alone, because my husband "provides and women have been doing it for centuries, i should pull my weight and not be spoiled".
It all culminated last night. After another of his "I take great care of you and kids and we should have a third" monologues I snapped. I told him that he really doesn't. That the kids barely know him, when he comes home from work, he doesn't pay attention to them, except to snap on our daughter when she is too loud.
He doesn't know anything about our days because he doesn't ask, and I stopped telling him, because he wasn't listening anyway. He is not great father nor husband as he likes to preach, and I have no desire to be a single mom of a third child, two are quite enough, thank you.
He starred at me dumbfounded, that called me a c word, delusional and ungrateful then stormed out to his mother house. So, AITA?
In the comments OP added this:
Hi to everyone. I don't know how to add more information and update, so I'm doing it in comments. Thank you all for taking time to comment and give me advice, it means a lot.
For clarification - Husband and I dated for only 9 months, we meet and get married when I was 18. I turned 31 few days ago and I cant imagine being attracted to, let alone marrying an 18 year old, it freaks me out. But, at the time, or even for years, I didn't think like that.
Whatever happens with my marriage I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD, that is something that I am not changing my mind about. I am on birth control, but I also don't plan on doing anything physical anytime soon, I just cant.
I called my sister (M), told her everything so she showed up with food, wine and her husband. He took my kids to their house so they will have a sleepover and M stayed with me. He is more worried about me than the man I'm actually married to.
My husband is still with his parents, didn't call or text. My MIL called but I didn't pick up, I am just to angry and sad right now to speak with her. I will update when I have a talk with my husband and know what happens next.
In another post OP gives a lot more detail about her life: "I am envious of my sister."
This is going to be long, I apologise. So, I (30f) have a sister, lets call her M (33f). We grow up very poor in a unstable family (father left when I was a baby, mother was a^&%ive) but we had each other and we were both very supportive of each other.
We somehow managed to grow up in very different people. I always wanted a husband, a lot of kids, white picket fence, whole thing and she was more if it happens - happens type.
I got married young (18) and now have to kids with my husband, M got pregnant with then boyfriend, who abandoned her while she was pregnant. She kept the pregnancy and father is not in the picture nor is he on the birth certificate.
I know she went through hell, raising kid on her own, in between daycare, jobs, keeping house clean, cooking etc... When her son was 6, she met a great guy and after dating for a year, she got married. That was almost two years ago.
Now, M is openly a feminist and so is her husband. They both work, both take care of the house, they go clubbing, both together and separately, same with vacations. Her husband is raising her son as his own and even wanted to adopt him legally (which my sister refused).
My husband is more traditional. I catch myself being resentful of my sister. If she is tired, her husband will make her a coffee and clean their house. Mine says that's my job and wont lift a finger even when I'm sick. When she is sick, she gets homemade soup in bed, medicine, he dots on her and is very loving. When they are both in a mood, they order food, make pillow fortress and watch movies with her son.
I am expected to make all meals, no matter how was my day or how I feel. He takes her son to soccer practise, goes to his games, takes him to movies, ice cream, you name it (so does she, this depends on work schedule). I have to beg my husband to occasionally show up in school, for his own children.
My husband makes comment how my sister takes better care of herself than I do (sometimes he criticise her for that, too), which she does. She goes to the gym, runs in the morning, always has nails and regularly goes to get her hair done. I cant do any of that. Who is going to take care of kids? House? She can do it cause her husband helps her.
When M had altercation with my SIL, her husband was immediately on her side. He doesn't care was she right or wrong. My husband would probably told me to stop being a child and apologise.
I know my sister doesn't deserve this, but I am starting to hate her. She was nothing but supportive (except for my marriage, she doesn't like my husband, but even there, she is still civil with him and his family because of me) and I just want to cry when I see how different are lives are. I hate that I'm like this. I hate how I feel. I feel like I'm the worst person in the world.
Here are some comments from both posts:
The problem is your s^%$#y husband, no need to be jealous of your sister. Use her relationship as the blue print for your future standards in men.
He’s a loser. You’ll be happier after the divorce. Your post history is a wild ride.
why are u hating ur sister instead of hating ur husband?
Icy_Memory1247 OP:
I dont know. I feel if I start to dissect my marriage, then a divorce is on the way and that scares me.
I think you already know the answer to this one — judging from the responses to your previous posts. Go back n read 'em. Coz I'm sorry, but why keep asking basically the same thing over and over..?
As everyone has been telling you, he's an advantage-taking toad. He runs you and his household, and has everything arranged for his own benefit. You're young enough to get away and do better, you know, and you deserve better. Maybe your role-model sister would help...
5 months after the first post OP posted this:
Hello to everyone. I wanted to update since a lot of people were worried about me and a lot has happened. For ones who don't want to read a long post -Things turned ugly but I am safe and I decided to get a divorce since husband and I couldn't agree in how a marriage should look like.
Now for a long update - Morning after I made this post, my MIL and SIL showed up at my house (at this point there was still no word from my husband (lets call him Rey)). It was obvious that they expected me to be alone (my kids were with BIL at my sister (M) house, she was with me).
So we all sat down to have a conversation. I know I was being annoying but I kept repeating that I dont see a point of that, conversation should happen between Ray and me, we are grown ups and married, i didn't see a reason for them to meddle. They took great offense to that. My MIL at one point said that she doesn't understand what happened to me, I am not the girl her son married anymore.
I said of course Im not, he married a teenager and Im now a grown woman. She turned beat red and started screaming at me, to which M said she is going to call police if she doesn't calm down. After a few insults (mostly how Im abusing her son and how bad of a mother I am) they left.
Ray showed up a few hours latter. Not to ask about our children or to see how I am but to berate me on how I treated his mother. Again, I think M being there changed his plan, since he tone it down when she came downstairs. He demanded for her to leave, she refused and said that she is going to go upstairs so we can have a conversation but she is not going anywhere until I ask her to, which I didn't.
He started with basically saying that I am bad wife, that I don't love him since I dont want more kids and I blamed him for it, I shouldn't be speaking with him like that, he is a great father to our kids etc... I asked which kids? Kids he hasn't seen in 3 days and didn't ask how or where are they? He then freaked out when I told him they are at BIl and M's house, calling them both vile names that I don't want to repeat.
Our conversation lasted an hour and nothing productive came out of it, we were going in circles. I was scared because he multiple times started grinding his teeth and putting his hands in fists but he would calm down after few seconds.
I said if he is not willing to work on our marriage and thinks that he is completely in the right, we should get a divorce. He, at first said fine, if that's what I what, I should pack my stuff and leave. I started packing, he ranted how Im going to live without him, how he cant wait for me to explain to kids why they are moving and similar.
I said that kids are not moving anywhere. They are staying in the house, and which parent stays here is taking care of them. He really couldn't comprehend what Im saying. I am not turning our kids lives upside down, divorce is enough of a change - they are not going anywhere.
Then his tune changed - he was willing "to hear me out", I swear i thought Im going to pop a blood vessel from rage. I said I don't care anymore - we ARE getting a divorce, only questions are about logistics and our kids.
To not makes this post even longer - this also went in circles, then he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me, M got involved, they started pushing each other, I called the police. We managed to push him through the door and locked it. He left before police came, we gave statements and I stayed at the house. I am fine but M has a few scratches. Currently Im bombarded with text from his family, again not a peep from him.
I am filling for divorce. I don't know why I thought that this can end any differently, but Im also glad that I tried.
For people who found mine previous posts - I am ashamed of how I was speaking about M - but I was envious until I realised that I was projecting my unhappiness with my life onto her. She didn't deserved it - she was and still is amazing sister and even better person.
Thank you all, I got amazing advice and words of encouragement, Internet can also be full of wonderful people and Im grateful for each and every one of you.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the latest update:
"I said that kids are not moving anywhere. They are staying in the house, and which parent stays here is taking care of them." Baller move.
I am worried for your safety though. Your ex already put hands on you, and his family is clearly going to rile him up instead of being a moderating influence. Statistically women and children are at elevated risk for violence during divorce.
I don't know what safety steps you should take (installing security cameras/systems maybe??) but I really recommend calling a domestic vi%*&*ce hotline and getting some advice from the pros. You did the right thing by leaving him, by the way. Stay safe!!
It’s clear her husband and his family are more interested in controlling her than resolving issues. She is incredibly strong for choosing a path that’s healthier for herself and her children.
Your in-laws need to take a step back and let you handle your own marriage. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your kids. Sending positive vibes your way during this tough time.
Good for you. Set those boundaries, maintain those boundaries, I'm glad your sister was there and was supportive through this.
You're going to be fine. Not at first, sometimes starting over looks like starting from nothing... But you've got a good head on your shoulders and you just lost 250 lb right to the curb.
Yes, it's a relief to read a post like that with a GOOD ending... this one is a DAMN GOOD divorce.