Woman calls out her husband for changing up the rules of their open marriage. AITA?

"AITA for calling out my husband for changing up the rules in our open marriage?"

I (35f) am in an open relationship with my husband (36m). It was over the summer he mentioned it to me. I wouldn't say I was totally for it but it took some getting used to. Now everything is going great but recently my husband keeps changing the rules.

Once I started dating Evan (45m) that's when he started acting differently. My husband and I agreed on a dont ask don't tell policy but he keeps pestering me about the details of our relationship. I give him a little here and there, but never the explicit stuff. Everything positive I mention about Evan he downplays or critiques.

Last week, I planned a date with Evan and asked him to watch the kids. He agreed. He was to get back home by 9 but texted me to say he's doing overtime that night. I was left scrambling for a sitter at the last minute. This isn't the first time he has done this. Luckily this time I got a hold of a sitter but I could not stay as long as I was hoping for. Afterward, he acted as if everything was okay.

He began policing me when I left the house and began picking my outfits apart. Expressing concern about how the neighbors would perceive me. To avoid conflict, I started wearing jackets to cover up before heading out.

Then came the issue of Evan dropping me off. He worried about the neighbors seeing a strange car pull up at night. This forced me to do lunch dates. It wasn't a bother. I would bring my laptop to Evan's and work at his place. However, I preferred the dinner dates because I got a chance to dress up more.

Changing up the times seemed to alleviate some tension but I still feel like I was compromising too much. He didn't even want me to drive to the dates but when Evan pays for an Uber or drops me off it's an issue. It makes no sense.

The breaking point was when Evan sent flowers to the house. My husband lost it claiming it's dangerous for a strange man to know our address when we have kids inside. I will say he was right about this. I did drop the ball however, he insisted that I shouldn't bring home any gifts at all going forward, arguing it violated our don't ask don't tell rule.

He used to joke about me not getting chivalry in my open relationship and now that I'm getting dates it's a big deal? I asked him if he doesn't take the women he sleeps with on dates and he said no, it's strictly physical, and none of that "lovey dovey BS" that I'm doing.

I confronted my husband about these rules and he just brushed it off like it was nothing. Saying "it's just a respect thing" I was really enjoying this but he's sucking the fun out of it and it just feels highly stressful.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

mommacrossx3 said:

NTA....your husband wants HIM to have an open relationship. You? Not so much. That happens a lot.

Dapper-danimal said:

NTA. Question: Does your husband actually hook up with other women? Reading between the lines I wouldn’t be surprised if things weren’t working out for him. If this is going to work, you can’t just agree to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and call it a day. Rules have to be in place. If he only wants intimate relationships outside of the marriage, without emotional intimacy, that’s a fine rule IF you agree to it.

It’s also fine to change the rules after they’ve been established, but that should be based on a conversation where everyone is on the same page. He shouldn’t be able to change or establish the rules on his own and get mad that you haven’t been following them.

dishonestgandalf said:

NTA. Your husband doesn't want an open relationship, he wants a harem. For many couples, an open relationship is the first step on the road to divorce; I hope that's not the case for you, but it definitely sounds possible.

Fredredphooey said:

NTA. It's obvious that he is sabotaging you and doesn't want you to have any extra curricular activities. You need to have a sit down that's not a reaction to a specific event but a discussion of the rules and level set. Also tell him that his last minute working late nonsense is not fooling you when it's so blatant.

lookingformiles said:

NTA. That’s how open marriages work. The husband thinks he wants it but then finds out no one else wants him and lots of people want his wife and then his tiny little mind just implodes.

mutualbuttsqueezin said:

NTA. He didn't think you would actually find other people and is jealous. Marriage is probably over.