Woman calls out husband for leaving her during surgery, 'I can't even look at him the same.' AITA?
"AITA for getting into an argument with my husband because he left me during surgery?"
I am a (25f) and my husband (27) and I have been together for almost 4 years and we do not have any kids. I had a same-day lumpectomy surgery yesterday. The tumor is not believed to be malignant, but I wanted it out since my mother had breast cancer.
My husband got the day off work and drove me. The surgery was delayed for about 3 hours, and my husband was getting impatient. The surgeon finally came in and said she expected the surgery would take an hour.
After she left, my husband said he was going to leave the hospital to get lunch when I went under since he hadn’t eaten that day. I wanted him to be able to eat and was trying to be brave, but I really didn’t want to be left when the surgery was only supposed to be an hour, so I asked him if we could pick up food for him on the way home. He gave me the impression he would stay, and I was wheeled away.
Fast forward to 30 minutes later, I was being shaken awake by a nurse who told me I was sick and she was trying to get in touch with my husband. Apparently, during the surgery, my blood pressure dropped rapidly, and my surgeon was able to get the tumor out in 20 minutes. My BP was 70/30 by the time they got it out, and my lips had turned blue.
I was very sick in my room. I was bleeding through my internal stitches, coming in and out of consciousness, and was vomiting— all the while; my nurse was trying to track my husband down. My surgeon called him, but he did not answer. I’m very thankful for the sweet nurses who took care of me and reassured me. It is the next day now, and I’m very emotional and angry about the whole ordeal.
My husband did not apologize and has been incredibly defensive about the whole thing. His explanation for leaving was, “I went out and got lunch, and then I was getting gas because I was low from driving your a%s around. The surgery was suppose to be an hour."
"How was I supposed to know your heart could have stopped?” I told him he had one job which was to stay with me and tell me what the surgeon says. I could get over him leaving if he was apologetic or remorseful, but I’m shocked at his words/how little he seems to care for someone he claims to love.
In his defense, he cared for me last night when we got home but left today after we argued. I’m sure I’m just still really emotional from anesthesia and being a bit dramatic, but I can’t even look at him the same. He is usually attentive and caring, so I am baffled. I’m sure he thought the chances of anything going wrong were slim, but I can’t understand his thought process.
I sat for hours and hours in waiting rooms during all of my mother’s breast cancer procedures and was nervous to even leave for a minute to get food. God forbid I don’t have cancer because I don’t trust him with anything medical now. Anyway, I’m unsure what I hope to get from writing this to strangers. I just needed to vent.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Possible_Bicycle6864 said:
NTA, I’m really sorry you went through that and he’s not being supportive. Did he actually say “from driving your a#s around?” That’s incredibly insensitive.
dryadduinath said:
….I am kind of appalled that he even wanted to leave in the first place, tbh. NTA. Also, when was he planning to eat before the surgery was postponed, exactly? He didn’t bother to eat breakfast, he didn’t fill up the car before he drove you to the hospital (it must have been dangerously low, right?
Otherwise why would he be refilling it while you were in surgery?), is he always this disorganized? I hope your recovery goes smoothly.
Befub14435 said:
Nta- I had a tumor removed in March. My friend drove from two towns away picked me up waited with me from 8 am to 3 pm when my surgery was delayed stayed the entire time, was with me in recovery, argued with the nursing staff that was trying to send me home with zero pain meds...
because there wasn't a prescription for any and drove 45 minutes at 10 pm to the only 24 hr pharmacy in my state and got me home at midnight. My friend did this. Your husband is awful and this is grounds for divorce.
In sickness and health. He cannot be trusted in an emergency. Don't waste your life on someone who values you so little. I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I hope your results will be benign.
XxQueenOfSwordsXx said:
NTA. For me, it’s how he has reacted. I do understand him wanting to leave to get something to eat, or at least leave to get fresh air.
However- his phone should have been attached to his hand the entire time, answering on the first ring to anyone who called. He should have raced back to the hospital, apologized to you, and not say asshole things like “I was driving your ass around” and “How was I supposed to know your heart could have stopped?”
I think you need to re-look at how attentive and caring he actually is. What were those examples of? Was it when you were sick? And for how long was he attentive and caring? Does he lash out when he’s feeling anxious and out of control? This was a surgery. Imagine if you were going through something way more serious like cancer treatments.
EmilyCB30 said:
NTA. I sat for hours while my wife had breast cancer related surgery because I wanted to be there in the event anything happened. I was terrified. Going for food wouldn’t even have occurred to me. Eating didn’t occur to me.
Trying not to judge too hard in case he had a weird freak out, but you deserve someone who doesn’t want to leave your side in such circumstances, much less won’t answer their phone. Wishing you well xxx.
Novel-Sector-8589 said:
Some people react defensively when they know they're in the wrong. If he doesn't come around and apologize in the next day or so, it might be time to think about moving on. The one job he has is to make you feel safe and cared for. He abandoned you when you needed him most and doesn't even seem to feel bad about it. NTA, but be glad you didn't have kids with him.