Woman cancels trip because her fiancé's ex and baby plan to join. AITA? UPDATED.
"AITA for canceling a trip because my fiancé ex and her baby are coming?"
I (F32) have been with Kyle (M37) for 2.5 years . We got engaged 6 months ago . Kyle has been divorced for over 5 years ago . He was married to Elena ( F37). They have a son, Greyson (M8). Elena has a toddler from a guy she met after her divorce and dated briefly Ella (2.5F).
Greyson is a wonderful little kid. He has his room in our house and he is so loved by all of us. Kyle and Elena are good friends and coparenting Great . The problem I have is she is everywhere!
Beside the holidays and birthdays which I understand (Christmas, Greyson's birthday, thanksgiving), Elena and her Baby are pretty much invited to any family functions such as Kyle’s birthday, Kyle’s parents anniversary, my birthday (yes! Kyle invited her to my birthday) , our camping trips,..) .
I have talked to Kyle many times but he thinks I’m being insecure for no reason and making a big deal about nothing! I booked a trip to Mexico for January for me, Kyle and Greyson. Kyle told Elena that on the last week of January we will have Greyson for extra week since he is coming with us to Mexico.
Apparently Elena managed to ask him about our trip dates, details. I saw on Facebook she was posting about swimsuit shopping for her upcoming trip . Kyle texted her and asked her if she is going somewhere that week too. She said she researched our hotel and “I took advantage of the same deal as you guys!
So I guess we will see you there haha”. I told Kyle then we are cancelling the trip he said he can’t because tickets are non-refundable! I told him then I’m not going ! I want for once have a family vacation without his ex wife ! I want a family vacation without his ex-wife, but Kyle thinks there's nothing we can do now. We need to address this for future plans and be more clear about boundaries.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
boredathome1962 said:
NTA. There's good co-parenting, and there's this. It's nice that they are friends, that they, and you, are great with Greyson. But you not getting any alone time will drive you apart. And Elena is revelling in it. Elena is a single mom, and probably wants to get back with Kyle...This isn't right, your BF is not looking after you properly, he needs to buck up, or this will not work for you and Kyle.
reverendcatdaddy said:
NTA. Maybe I just have high walls but I don’t think the coparenting is going all that well. She knows he’s seeing someone else and is trying to get in between them. Going to their vacation locale is just twinge too Single White Female for me.
bdayqueen said:
NTA - I'd tap out of this relationship when he invited her to YOUR birthday!! That's some BS. Either she changes her plans or you cancel yours and break up with him.
Sea_Firefighter_4598 said:
NTA. Kyle told her all the details of your trip, so many in fact that she was able to book the same deal. That is all you need to know. Cancel the vacation. The only one who escaped is the toddler's dad, maybe follow his lead. I do not know how you were able put up with this nonsense for so long.
ShyexGI said:
NTA, absolutely not. See if you can change the tickets instead of canceling the whole trip. You may have to pay extra but go to another city or close country. If not, change your hotel to a sister hotel on the other side of the country and don't tell anyone about the changes.
You can still have a family vacation without the ex. His ex also needs to be put on an information diet. Yes, she needs to know when her son is leaving the country, but no, she doesn't need details. Grayson is with his dad, not some deranged stranger. I'd even give her mis information on specific details, but I'm petty like that!
Why the hell have you let her get away with being the third wheel in your relationship? Coming to YOUR birthday party, invited to camping trips, inviting herself on YOUR vacations. She does this bs because no one tells her NO.
YOU must sit your boyfriend down and establish clear boundaries with consequences for her. He would NEVER be okay if your ex was so entangled in your personal relationship. You can't do or say anything about her being at his family's events, but your bf needs to put an end to her being around when just the two of you (or three when he has his son) are together.
If he is unwilling or unable to stop including his ex in your relationship, you may need to re-evaluate if this is how you want to live your life. He will always prioritize his ex over you. She will be at your engagement party, wedding, baby shower, YOUR child's recital, etc.
Your bf is disregarding and disrespecting you by calling you insecure. No one would be comfortable with this! Sis, shut this bs down now! Be prepared to walk away and move on with your life if your bf refuses to have your back. Good luck!
Chaoticgood790 said:
NTA but girl what are you even doing getting engaged with this dynamic happening. This isn’t good coparenting. You do know that you’re the third wheel in this family right?
UPDATE:
First off all thank you for every single comment. I read all of them. Kyle came home late last night since he was working on a project with his coworker. He saw me awake and got surprised and asked If everything okay? I said we need to talk.
I basically told him that either tell Elena to cancel her trip and establish boundaries or we are done. He said “omg are you still on this ? I said I’ll talk to her for future events, let it go ffs."
I said No! This has been my life since we met! She and her baby are always in my hair, I get upset, you convince me to let it go this time then it happens again I reminded him that last June we hosted Elena’s baby’s birthday at our backyard ( and paid for and did everything and you told me to let it go ). Where is the limit?
Will she be invited to our wedding and be in the bridal party ? Will she at our honeymoon? Will she be at the delivery room when I give birth ? He said we are both tired why don’t we talk tomorrow. I told him I can’t wait until then . Will you ask Elena to cancel her trip and tell her about my boundaries?
He said I can’t make her do anything as she is no longer my wife ! I can tell her you don’t like her and you can’t stand her. Happy ? I said I don’t feel like I’m ever gonna be your wife. She is more your wife than I’ll ever be. She just doesn’t like to put out so you got me for that! That’s how I feel. I feel so unloved.
If we break up and Elena takes you back , would you get back together with her ? He said “stop! You know how much I love you ! Why are you saying these nonsense “! I asked again and again. He said what do you want me to say? That if I’m single will I work things out with Elena? I guess.
I got my answer. I gave him the ring and said I’ll leave tomorrow morning . He said WHAT? Are you serious ? What is going on tonight ? He started saying that how we were gonna get married and have babies (he knows I left my previous bf because he didn’t wanna get married), and he begged me to not leave before holidays.
He suggested to stay and we start counselling in January. I told him I really don’t have energy or time for this. He started crying. I was awake all night crying on and off. In the morning he made me breakfast and hugged me (so uncomfortable!) and said please don’t end it permanently let’s be in touch and work on our relationship. I told him no!
I just can’t sorry. Again , he cried and left for work . I talked to my brother in the morning and he and his gf will let me stay with them until I find my place . I wrapped the Christmas gifts (for Greyson mostly and him) and left them under the tree so they can open them on Christmas morning ( he asked if I at least join them for Christmas morning I said no!).
As for the tickets ( they were on my credit card), I’ll call air Canada today to see if I can transfer them to my brother and his Gf. I’m so grateful for letting me stay at their place.
Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:
louluthekitty said:
He legit wanted to paint you as the bad guy and say you didn’t like her instead of telling her that she was over stepping. Damn, OP. I’m calling it now, he’ll get back together with her. Heal yourself from this relationship, so you’ll never accept crumbs for a relationship.
Chaoticgood790 said:
Good job OP hold firm. He was never going to change and was going to keep you on the hook for good. Him and his ex can have each other.
Broad-Discipline2360 said:
Thanks for the update. You made the right choice. That relationship was going to be a world of hurt. I think you were right. His ex didn't put out so he got you. You were the sister wife and his ex was the matriarch.
tomaavopotato said:
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your future self will thank you for not wasting anymore time and effort with him. I agree that the fact he finally admitted he would consider getting back with his ex is all the answer you need.