Woman cancels last minute on friend's bday, 'you'd understand if you had kids;' AITA?
Canceling on a birthday party is understandable, but there's no need to sprinkle a hurtful comment on top...
So, when a conflicted woman decided to consult the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the A#shole' about bailing on her friend's birthday, people were eager to hear the horror story.
AITA (Am I the As*hole) for canceling on my (35F) best friend's (36F) birthday party at the last minute?
I (35F) have 2 children (5m and 3f) and a baby who is only 16 weeks old. My first 2 pregnancies have gone quite smoothly, with a few bumps on the way but not much problems.
My third pregnancy was really tough as I got diagnosed with preeclampsia, put to bedrest for 6 weeks, and had an emergency C-section during which both me and the baby almost died.
I stayed in the hospital for longer than 2 weeks before I was deemed healthy enough to be released. My husband has been beside me in the delivery room all 3 times and does most of the chores and takes care of the kids while I recover and makes sure I have everything I need.
We have saved more than enough money from both our jobs to have the ability to afford to stay at home for as long as is needed.
My best friend (we'll call her Ashley) has been my bff since elementary school. We've never missed each others birthdays no matter what was going on in our lives or how far apart we were.
She also was aware of my troubles. Yesterday was her birthday. In the morning I was feeling below par and I was too tired to get out of bed so my husband took care of all the kids and helped me shower like he did a 100x before during my pregnancies and postpartum.
When it was around 2 pm, I was feeling a little better but I was still worn-out so I called Ashley. Her birthday party was scheduled at 3pm and I was supposed to arrive at 2:30 pm. I waited until 2pm because I knew how important her birthday is and I was hoping that I would feel good enough to come over.
I told her that 'I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I won't be able to come to your birthday party because I'm not feeling well.' She asked what was wrong, and I told her that I was extremely exhausted and there was no way I can be at her party. I literally heard her sigh angrily and she said 'But what about our promise?'
I broke my arm while racing and still traveled a 1000 miles for your birthday, but you can't drive 20 miles to see me? If your fat a&s can reach the grocery store, then you would come here if you actually cared.'
That's when I became mad and told her 'Well if you had kids then you would understand ' and that's when she said 'F#ck you' and hung up. (That wasn't the entire conversation).
You might think 'what's so bad about saying if you had kids?' Ashley can't get pregnant due to an incident that happened during our younger college days and the topic is very sensitive for her, so me saying that was extremely vile.
This morning, I woke up feeling much better and I attempted to contact Ashley so I could apologize but she wouldn't pick up and ignored all my text messages.
My husband said that I shouldn't apologize because if she was a real friend she would have shown concern and worry instead of anger and the attitude of a brat so she deserved my comeback, but I feel so guilty for bringing up her inability to have kids and I feel like such an a$$hole for doing so. AITA?
Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say about this mess...
sushistan69 said:
YTA. She said something not nice but you bailed last minute and then said something unforgivably mean. If I were her I would block you and never look back. You sound really mean.
Especially if it’s a sensitive topic too, we trust our friends to NOT ever say evil things about things that hurt us. Just because you popped out 3 kids doesn’t mean you are better than her.
Hello_JustSayin said:
I was so ready to say n t a, until I got to, 'Well if you had kids then you would understand...Ashley can't get pregnant'. Such a low blow, and so sad how OP didn't hesitate to drop that on her supposed friend. YTA.
NotCreativeAtAll16 said:
ESH. If course it's OK to not go if you're unwell. But you didn't need to be a jerk and throw her infertility in her face.
SlideItIn100 said:
“If you had kids you’d understand.” YTA.
nemc222 said:
YTA. First of all, it’s a stupid pact that made no accommodations for adult life situations. Although, if you were still having problems getting out of bed or showering on your own four months postpartum, I hope you are under a doctors care.
You waited until the last minute to tell her you weren't coming. if you have consistently been this weak, you should’ve warned her days or weeks ago. Her comment was unkind, but your comment was downright cruel.
ggcc789 said:
YTA. She drove 100 miles [update based on comment: traveled 1000 miles!!] to you on your birthday with a broken arm. You had your 3rd child 4 mo ago -- this is your new normal, and you know exactly what it involves.
Yet you couldn't drive 20 miles on her birthday, or cancel earlier, or offer an alternative to celebrate with her, or even just keep your pie hole shut about her infertility on her actual birthday. I hope she keeps you blocked.
TurboMooseCat said:
ESH. She's too old to be holding an obligation like that against you when you were put in such a life-threatening situation. And the way she called you fat, are you even really friends?
You, however, are messed up for going for the throat with a long-time friend like that. If that's the first response you have for her, I repeat, are you even really friends?
MrsWeasley9 said:
ESH. It sucks when lives change and friendships have to change too, but neither one of you handled this well. By the way, it's pretty much always a d$ck move to say 'If you had kids you'd understand.'
Delicious_Log_4130 said:
YTA. Couldn't you have just called her that morning and perhaps suggested she come over/face time, etc. So that you could spend time together on her day? The fact that you threw her inability to conceive at her was below the belt. Personally I hope she never speaks to you again.