Woman cancels mom's surprise dinner party, 'she called me MESSY.' AITA? 'We're not talking.'

"AITA for canceling my mom’s surprise farewell dinner because she called me messy?"

My mom (59F) and I (27F) have been “living together” for the past 10 months. I say “living together” because I’m only home 2–3 days a week—I usually stay at work or with my boyfriend.

She moved with me to Europe from Latin America. It was hard for her to adjust at first, but she’s active and has built a little community here. She’s retired and brought some savings to live and travel, and when she moved in, I started covering rent and bills.

I’m lucky to have a good job and was okay with supporting her. We don’t have the best relationship. I felt free for the first time when I moved out at 20. But I still wanted to be there for her.

We share my room (I have roommates), and she’s been living with me while we handled some long paperwork processes. Now she’s going back to our home country, so I planned a surprise small dinner party at a restaurant with family and friends.

The idea was to tell her we were going shopping so she wouldn’t suspect anything. I was getting ready and, to be fair, I can be messy when picking an outfit—I lay clothes everywhere. I eventually picked something, did my makeup, and suggested we leave early to take pictures at the park since the flowers are blooming.

Suddenly she said we couldn’t leave because I had to clean up. I told her I’d do it when we got back, but she insisted: “You always say that and never do it. You’re arrogant and disrespectful. I can’t talk to you.”

I offered to clean right then, but she kept going, calling me stuck-up—maybe just because I was dressed nicely? It hurt. A lot. I started crying. It brought back bad memories from how she treated me growing up. I called my boyfriend and cousin because I was so upset.

Then I told her: “You have no right to talk to me like that. I never disrespect you. That ‘stuck-up’ daughter of yours planned something really nice for you today. And now you’re making me feel ashamed when I’ve spent so much time and money.”

She responded: “I’m not going.” I was furious. I canceled everything. Fifteen minutes later, she came back and said, “Let’s go.” But I was emotionally done. I told her, “No. It’s canceled,” and left to see my boyfriend.

It’s been a day. We’re not talking. I’ve gotten mixed opinions. Part of me feels guilty—this was supposed to be a good memory for both of us. But I also feel really hurt. So…AITA for canceling the dinner?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

lostballade said:

NTA. you offered to clean up to resolve the problem so you could go but then she continued with her rant before saying she did not want to go. I would’ve cancelled everything too, plus you can also hardly continue to go to the party as if nothing happened after already cancelling everything.

sarahmegatron said:

NTA. On top of how poorly she treated you she literally said “I’m not going” I’m sure she said that to be dramatic but you did the right thing by taking that as her word and canceling everything. It’s really awful but some parents, when they have a good and successful child, get jealous instead of proud.

I’m not in your mom’s head but that’s how her behavior and what she said to you come across. Don’t feel guilty anymore if you can help it, she was really mean and for no good reason. You have been really supportive of her and planned something nice as a surprise and she chose to act like a bratty child instead of an adult.

alphabetacheetah said:

NTA, she said she’s not going so that’s on her. Sounds a bit like cabin fever though, it would be a lot to share a room with someone you don’t fully get along with, especially with roommates as you have no space of your own.

B-Ry-the-bryguy said:

NTA. She totally overreacted. She even said “I’m not going”… seemed like it was just a way to manipulate you and the situation. Red flag in my opinion.

49er-Sharks said:

NTA. People need to realize that their words have consequences. If she used that type of language with you as a child, it must have been terrible. If this keeps happening, you need your own place.

twinklepariah said:

NTA. Sounds like my mom and I. We're immigrants, and that woman never smiles when I tell her any of my accomplishments but looks for things to fix and/or improve. Only distance made things better.

I'm glad you canceled the party. Tu madre es una señora con ganas de actuar como bebé para que le presten atención. Stand strong, and don't let her manipulate you into feeling bad. She's in YOUR space.

Federal-Road7443 said:

NTA. So glad she is leaving! Now is the time to go no contact. She is a drain on your life!