Woman cancels wedding after fiancé's comments about her stepdaughter. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for canceling my wedding after how my fiancé feels about my daughter?"
Before you read my post, I am not from America. I am sorry if my writing is terrible. But I will do my best! For background context. I was married, when I was 22 and my husband was 25. He had a daughter who was 2 when we married. I consider her my daughter in every way. My husband passed away sadly when she was 4.
So I (34F) have been with my fiancé Jesse (35M) for 8 years. My daughter Bailey is (14F). She considers Jesse her father. Jesse has never treated Bailey wrong at all. But knows of my husband who had passed away. Jesse has always treated her sweetly and like a daughter. I’m currently 6 months pregnant. We are all excited.
Jesse has told me how he wants to adopt Bailey after getting married. To surprise her. We are getting married in August. I wouldn’t say, we are close to being done with everything. But we did plan a big dinner, and I did invite my friends and Jesse’s friends. Bailey was staying the night, over at a close friends house. So Bailey wasn’t there.
We were all catching up, and having a great night. Just all around happiness from everyone. Till the topic of the wedding came up. That is when things went down hill. It was all good, we got to talking about our honeymoon. We were gonna bring Bailey. Because that was our plan. When Jesse did say he didn’t want to bring Bailey, which kinda shocked me. Because we both agreed to it, so I was taken aback from it.
He started going on about, how now we both have a “real” child, and we don’t have to pretend anymore to take care of my “step daughter” who was never my real child. This point all our friends and I were very flabbergasted, and looked at him, like he had something crazy on top of his head. He kept going on and on.
Until I kinda freaked out in front of everyone, and told him that Bailey would always come first and he is last to me now. That he had to leave, and I’m canceling the wedding. He tried talking to me. But I was not in shape to hear him. His friends did escorted him out for me, and left with him. Few of my girl friends stayed with me that night.
Jesse had been blowing up my phone so much. Wanting to “work things out." I honestly don’t ever want to. I haven’t told Bailey what happened and just lied to my family and his family, about why we canceled the wedding. I just want some quiet now and not for anyone to be upset. But some of his friends, did message me saying. He has the right to talk about his feelings and opinion. Which got me so puzzled at this point. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Axilllla said:
NTA. I can’t imagine coming back from that…There is really no excuse for saying such hurtful things. I understand not wanting a child on honeymoon, but to say it’s because you guys have a real child is appalling.
butterfly-garden said:
NTA. Thank God he showed you who he was before you said, "I do"! But please please please go back and tell your family the truth about why you called off the wedding! They need to understand why you would do that!
wlfwrtr said:
NTA. Blood doesn't make family, feelings do. Jesse has been being false with his feelings towards Bailey so you have to wonder how true are his feelings for you. You need to tell Bailey the truth. If she finds out from someone else who may not know that she wasn't told it will damage your relationship with her. She deserves to hear it from you.
Extra-Visit-8385 said:
NTA. Yes, he absolutely has a right to talk about his thoughts and feelings. AND, you absolutely have the right to determine his thoughts/feelings are a deal breaker for you. It’s really fortunate that he chose to be open about his feelings before you married him. It would have been awful to be stuck in a marriage with someone who you found felt your daughter is somehow “less than.”
Ptronski said:
NTA, there's no way you could ever trust him after that
Doyoulikeithere said:
NTA, you did the right thing, how awful that he treats that sweet girl like that! :( He is not worthy of either of you!
UPDATE:
I talked to Bailey, much more earlier and told her everything. She was shocked and cried. It broke my heart, to see her that way. We just hugged each other. She said if she had only been a better daughter, he would have not felt that way. I reassured her that wasn’t the case at all.
I told her that Jesse was just an awful man, and a coward. Bailey said she forgave him, but would never forget what he said. She still misses him and still calls him dad. Even after everything he put her through. She’s a brave young girl.
I am making sure that Jesse doesn’t ever get in contact with Bailey. He did however, ask if we can talk in person to at least mend things. I did agree and met him the next day after the whole incident. We met in a public spot with others around in case he tried doing something funny.
Jesse told me how sorry he was, and that he loves Bailey and our baby the same. He still wants to marry me, that he wants to come home. All I saw was horse sh#t. I knew he was lying. I told Jesse that I would never look at him the same. That I will only get in contact with him after I give birth to our daughter.
Jesse did beg me, over and over. I stood my ground and said no, to each of his pleading demands. Then he dropped a big thing on me. Which I never knew. He said that he cheated and the woman is better in every way.
To add sugar on top of the sh%t he dropped on me, he is cheating with his best friend Carter’s wife, who has three kids. Yes, this is one of the friends that defended him. He was sleeping with his wife. She was also at the dinner party. Was always nice to me...when she was sleeping with my fiancé.
Not only did Jesse and that vile woman destroy a family, they destroyed two, with kids. What a lovely great man. :-) (sarcasm of course) I did leave after he told me that. Blocked him everywhere. Messaged Carter, told him that Jesse was sleeping with his wife. He did tell me he was suspicious of his wife sneaking around. It wasn’t her first time. I feel really awful now for him.
He did apologize for not being on my side, and that we were always great friends. I did forgive him, and didn’t blame him for defending his best friend. Because both Carter and Jesse were best friends since elementary. I told him I’ll be there for him. For support, he was appreciated by my offer. He told me he would be there for me as well.
Carter told their friend group and had blocked Jesse. He is going to divorce his wife. So we have each other to lean on for support. I also did ask Bailey, if she wanted a therapist. She said yes, and I am looking for one. She has been staying in her room more, only coming out just for food or to use the rest room.
It breaks my heart. Because she is always so bright and jolly. Now she’s just depressed and feeling low. Her close friends have been coming over and staying with her. My family plans on coming. Don’t worry, I did tell Jesse’s family everything and my family. Both families are awfully mad at Jesse.
I do plan on staying in contact with Jesse’s family. I have always been so close to them. They helped raise Bailey and they see us as family. I also can’t forget, I am carrying Jesse’s daughter.
Jesse’s parents want to see Bailey. As she is their granddaughter. I even plan on changing the locks. As I don’t feel safe with just Bailey and I. Even if we do have few big dogs and lots of goats. My best friend Rosie is staying with me. So we have a lot of support on our side.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
genescheesesthatplz said:
I hope for nothing but the best for you and your girls.
Idonotgiveacrap said:
I'm sorry you're going through this, but at least you dodged a bullet by not marrying this POS. I wish you the best for you and your kids, stay strong.
Sweet-Salt-1630 said:
You are an amazing mom and good person. Wishing you, Bailey and your baby daughter success and happiness. Don't put up with rubbish.
IED117 said:
I can't believe he came out of his face and said the other woman was better in every way. What a skunk! I'm so sorry for Bailey. Let her keep his parents. She needs to know the connection she feels is real and normal, only the fiance is twisted and wrong. Plus it's better when the new baby comes that she isn't excluded. What an AH to do that to a little girl. Best of luck to you.