'AITA for supporting my husband calling out my sister for snooping?'

"AITA for supporting my husband calling out my sister for snooping?"

My husband (37) and I (35F) bought our dream home 2 years ago, we went from a small starter home with no land and no parking to a beautiful home with lots of space. Now that we have the land and parking we have been hosting almost all of my family's events.

I love hosting and sharing our home, we have the perfect spot for outdoor bbq’s and have a large in ground pool with a hot tub and a large wrap around farmers porch.

The inside is open concept and easy to fit everyone comfortably. Last year while we were hosting a gathering everyone was by the pool, except for my older sister. For some reason my sister always seems to hang around inside the house although everyone else is outside.

I never paid much attention honestly until my husband ran into our basement to get a power cord and caught my sister down in his office going through a backpack he had hung up. It took him by surprise because it’s an area of my house that you wouldn’t expect to see someone. It’s the basement.

She quickly made an excuse that she was looking for a backpack for her husband and was checking it out. Okay sure. The biggest issue with this is my husband puts all his medication in that backpack when we have guests over.

He is prescribed medication that is notorious for being abused and since I have a family member who does have a history of drug addiction that was where my husband felt his medications would be safe. He let it go but from that time on I made it known that my husbands office is off limits and our basement door is locked.

Our next gathering a few weeks later the same situation, everyone is outside hanging out by the pool while the kids swim except my sister, when I go to check what she’s doing I walk in and she is going through a drawer in my kitchen and quickly closed it when she saw me. she said she was looking for scissors which I pointed to the butcher block on the counter.

She proceeded to take the scissors and go outside. When I look at the drawer she was in I saw our bank statements open and right on top. I told my husband and this really upset him, he felt like my sister was over stepping and although we love hosting having someone actively going through all your personal things did feel unnerving.

The next time we hosted my husband decided to put a camera in our kitchen. This was a one time thing because I am not a fan of cameras in the home but my husband really wanted to make sure she was truly snooping before he said anything to her.

Once again she was the only person inside and the amount of drawers and papers she immediately starting going through the moment she was alone was alarming. I hated seeing the footage because I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I love my sister and although she doesn’t take anything I can completely understand why my husband would be uncomfortable.

After seeing the footage I asked my mom how to go about talking to my sister, showed her the video and she was also disgusted and disappointed of her actions. My sister is also someone that no one ever stands up to in my family.

She has a history of overreacting when met with any criticism and has no issues with becoming confrontational. I know this and really didn’t want to mention anything so instead decided to babysit her whenever we had gatherings.

Over the winter, things quiet down and the few gatherings we had everyone was inside and no incidents occurred. I thought maybe she had gotten it out of her system and we can all move on. Until the summer, when we started moving our gatherings outside, her always hanging inside while everyone is outside began.

At this point my husband is fixated on making sure she is never alone in the house and it became apparent that it was becoming a huge issue. We decided the next time we saw her going through our things we would take her aside and tell her that we know she snoops and although we have nothing particular we are hiding it feels violating and we need it to stop.

That next time was this past Saturday, we hosted a birthday party for my dad, it was a beautiful day and we had extended family over who have never been over before. Everything was going great until the inevitable happened, my sister again in the house alone was caught going through our kitchen except this time when my husband walked in my sister quickly scurried to the bathroom.

She left her phone open on the counter that had a Google search of the same medication my husband takes. Maybe it is a coincidence but this was the last straw for my husband and he took her aside and told her that he wants her to still be able to come over but he knows she has been going through our stuff and for now he would like her to stay with the party and not be hanging inside alone.

He said my sister got extremely defensive saying she doesn’t do shit, you can’t prove anything and that’s when my husband told her he knows she does because he saw her on camera.

She then admitted to my husband that she has a problem and does this to everyone and she doesn’t know why but she never takes anything and she apologized and quickly left. I had no idea this was happening until after everyone had left. My husband told me he finally said something and he thinks it went well.

It didn’t. I got a phone call shortly after from my sister saying that my husband is an ahole and it’s not true, he told her she was never allowed over again. How betrayed she feels by him and we are disgusting for recording her after how she has done so much for us.

I had to hang up and collect myself. I then wrote her through text that I agree with my husband and feel like she overstepped her boundaries and we still want her to come over but the snooping has to stop. Her response was over the top.

She then suggests we must have multiple hidden cameras in our home and now she is worried for her children’s safety because she doesn’t know if we have cameras in our bathrooms, proceeded to tell me to loose her number and she didn’t do anything and she will never come over our house again because we made unreasonable stipulations on just her.

My husband spewed venmon and was overly aggressive and she felt attacked by him. Although I’m sure she did feel attacked, I feel confident that my husband was not aggressive at all and handled it the best he could. She then continued to say whatever she thought would hurt me the most, I told her bye and blocked her.

Now my mom gets involved and starts a group text with the both of us. I simply wrote that I tried to defuse the situation as best I could but the message is simple, we get uncomfortable when she goes through our drawers and we are asking her to stop.

Which has now turned into you think we are sickos and would secretly record her anyone while in the bathroom, that my husband is an awful unhinged person ect. And I am done with it. Her response went from anger to pity and said how she has been having a bad year and started explaining why she acted the way she did.

She said she uses angry as a defense mechanism and started listing all the issues she is having in life. she still says she has never gone through our stuff although I saw her and my husband is adamant that she admitted it.

She did say she shouldn’t have made all the comments she did especially the bathroom camera part and she was only doing it to hurt me and she was sorry. My mom is all about it thinking everything is all good now because she explained why she acted the way she did and said Sorry and I should just accept it and move on.

The problem is the whole point of this entire argument is still not resolved. I feel like she deflected the entire thing into a pity fest for herself. I feel gaslit by her and she might be okay with moving on but I’m not. I was so taken back on her reaction and how quick she was able to turn on me, and to the extent she did.

She was out for blood and now I’m supposed to feel bad that she is going through a hard time. I too have been struggling with my mental and physical health but it doesn’t give me permission to say the most hateful things I can think of to someone and it be okay because I’m struggling. I just want her to take accountability and I’m beginning to think that’s not going to happen.

My mom now thinks I need to apologize and reassure my sister that she is always welcome in my home and everything is fine. Because she said she was sorry for all the comments she made about me. I refuse to apologize, I don’t believe I did anything.

I think my family is expecting me to just fold because that’s how it’s always been especially dealing with my sister. I’m sick of always having to be the bigger person because my sister is going through a lot and I need to be understanding. I don’t know where to go from here, so am I the ahole for supporting my husband for calling out my sister for snooping and asking her to stop?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

WanderingGnostic said:

NTA. Family member or not, she'd be banned from my house. That's complete BS.

Seyenn said:

NTA. Family group chat, drop the video of her snooping through your kitchen, and let them know she's admitted to doing this in every house she visits. End of story.

stray-werepuppy89 said:

NTA. Permabanned from the home.

JstMyThoughts said:

NTA, and tell your mother that to keep the peace in the family, all future family events will be at your mother’s home, not at yours. If her place is too small, she can be the bigger person and put up with a little inconvenience for your sister’s sake. Do NOT let your sister into your home again.

bamababenv said:

NTA. She would be permanently banned from my home and no more gatherings would occur there as long as other family members are defending her behavior.

RDUppercut said:

NTA. You do not owe her an apology. What you owe her is a lifetime ban from your house.

Tasty_Doughnut_9226 said:

NTA she wouldn't set foot in my home again.