Woman changes family's last name 'secretly,' 'no one OWNS the name.' AITA?

"AITA for changing my family's last name 'secretly' while not informing anyone?"

I (38f) got married 3 years ago to my husband (41m). I changed my last name to his immediately following. My relationship with my in-laws was never super, but it was civil until about 2020 when our differences became obvious and were hard to reconcile.

They have never welcomed me into their family, and never put forth any effort to be apart of our lives. At first my husband just said things like “they are like this with new people” “this is just how they are” Over time though, they have not only managed to alienate me, but my husband as well.

They have implied I was a gold digger, and have called me quite a few unpleasant names. My husband had enough with them during our first year of marriage, and when he went low contact with them, they tried guilt, manipulation, and passive aggressiveness to get him to resume what we call his “previous role” in the family. (Being the one to do ALL the work in the relationship!)

When that didn’t work, they basically cut us out. They never called much before but now they never call and then act like it’s our fault they don’t and play the victim constantly.

I have BPD, and my new last name just didn't feel like me especially considering his family. After my diagnosis a year ago, my therapist explained sometimes people with BPD struggle with this since we struggle with identity as well. So it’s been talked about a lot. My husband had suggested we BOTH change our last names.

I thought it was an interesting idea. I didn’t want my maiden name back because it is hard to spell and pronounce and not at all common in our country. I liked his last name because it was such a common last name. We talked about this for about a year, and settled my grandmother's (deceased) maiden name.

It's common-ish easy to say and spell, and we feel honors my family who we have to thank for our lovely life today. It was surprisingly easy, we set up a court date, filled out the papers, had a hearing all within a few weeks. Then…we changed it on social media.

His family found out and is pissed. Some of my family found out and are pissed. They said we had no reason/right what have you. I told all of them it was a decision me between me and my husband and it was not up for debate. On his side, they cut US off and never even talk to us.

On my side, no one OWNS the name and it left with my grandmother when she died. One of my aunts tried to say I needed their permission. IMO the only permission I would have needed would be my grandma, or my father both who have passed away.

My mother thought it was a great idea and so did my siblings. We are getting bombarded. We are basically grey rocking, but it’s not like it was a rash decision. We are both very happy, with the change. But, the amount of backlash I’ve been getting has me wondering if we effed up by not “announcing” it or telling people in advance.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

wndrgrl555 said:

My partner has BPD and she has been through several name changes, only to wind up back at her maiden name. But it's entirely her call, not mine, and I try to call her by the name she's chosen. You deserve that courtesy too. NTA.

eefr said:

NTA. Your name is no one else's business, and you don't need anyone's permission to change it. Just ignore the complaints, they'll get over it.

MISKINAK2 said:

NTA. Your side is likely more upset at not having input. His are just being arses. This will blow over but probably with minor skirmishes to the end. Not worth losing sleep over.

throwaway-3121345 said:

NTA. They can’t control you or your name.

GirlL1997 said:

NTA. What a beautiful way to honor your grandmother while protecting your peace with your husband.

Pepsilover12 said:

NTA.You and your husband discussed this and decided on one together. No one else gets a say in yours and your hubby's life. Anytime it gets brought up on the phone say it’s not up for discussion and hang up if it’s brought up in person say it’s not up for discussion then walk away. You two have done nothing wrong