Woman claims to be disabled in front of her parents; parents say; 'You're LYING.' AITA?

"AITA for claiming to be disabled in front of my parents?"

I (20F) have a lot of health conditions. I’m diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder my dad also has, autoimmune disorders, etc, and am in tests for other things. My mom always believes I’m crying wolf, despite me being repeatedly proven right.

I’ve worked in disability advocacy for years now, so many of my friends are disabled. A year ago, I confided in one of them that I sometimes feel as though I'm not disabled enough to use the label.

He told me that while he understood my feelings, he'd seen how much my conditions affect my life.

He pointed out that I don’t consider anyone else 'not disabled enough’, and that it's okay if I don't want to call myself that, but I shouldn't think of myself as exaggerating just because I don't yet need a mobility aid (he uses a walker).

That conversation ended up giving me the confidence to start pushing my family to help me get tested, make appointments for myself, and admit to doctors the stuff I'd been downplaying or not telling them.

Fast forward to this summer: while on break, I was at a restaurant with my parents (my siblings were at camp). Near the end of the night, we were discussing something to do with my mom’s current project of increasing ADA compliance at work, and I said something along the lines of "As a disabled person, I think-"

My mom was FURIOUS. She accused me of playing pretend at being disabled, making everything about me, and of exaggerating my ‘minor medical conditions’. My dad wasn't happy about it either, although more from the standpoint of his “you’re not disabled unless you let yourself be” mindset.

The next day, I spoke privately with both of them. I pointed out to my dad that our shared condition is legally a disability, that his mindset around disability is not healthy, and that I get to choose how I describe my body. He did some research, and ended up coming back to me to apologize about it.

My mom felt bad for yelling, but kept insisting that I am not disabled and am essentially appropriating the word. When I tried to explain like with my dad, she told me in a patronizing way that I should do more research before talking to her about things like disability and ADA compliance (which I have studied in detail).

Months later, I feel paralyzed in terms of my own health. I feel awful making appointments, and have generally felt like even bringing up my health is making me a burden on other people. I know intellectually this isn't true, but it’s hard to actually believe it.

Things have mostly been fine with my parents, but now whenever I mention disability around my mother in any context, I can tell she's clearly torn between her guilt at yelling at me and her anger at me for my 'appropriation'.

TL;DR: I am disabled, but not necessarily in the traditional sense. When I mentioned this to my mother offhandedly, she yelled at me. Now I'm worried that I really am exaggerating or labeling myself with a term I don't deserve to use. Am I the asshole here?

Let's ee whst readers thought:

willinghuy writes:

NTA. Chronic illness, weak immune system and disabled here. You are not the AH at all for being truthful about your disability status.

I also have family that make it out like I’m “not disabled”, however, my doctors would disagree with that (only last week my GP referred me to another specialist because - and this is a quote “Knowing you - it’s not going to be simple!”).

People tend to see “disabled” as an undesirable word and tend to have a view in their mind of what disabled is (which I’m sure you know all too well yourself). When it is a family member, a friend?

That clouds their judgement a LOT… They don’t want to see you as “disabled” because it challenges what they view as disabled and I’ll be honest… Generally, their view on what is “actually disabled” when they are like that usually isn’t a nice one.

People have to accept disability comes in many forms and it isn’t an undesirable descriptor.

aghau writes:

I maybe downvoted but ESH. I feel like you're slightly overreacting to be honest. Yes your mom is rude but you kind of sound like the type of person who needs attention.

fkadt writes:

YTA. It seems like you wanted to stir the pot with your parents by claiming a label they don't agree with.

If your mom feels you're appropriating the term 'disabled,' maybe you should consider her perspective instead of pushing your own agenda. Sometimes, being sensitive to how others feel about a topic can go a long way.

jeeanw writes:

NTA. It's important to recognize that disability is not a one-size-fits-all label, and your experience with chronic pain and autoimmune disorders is valid. You’ve done a commendable job advocating for yourself and for others in the disability community, which shows a deep understanding of what disability means beyond traditional perceptions.

Your mom’s reaction seems rooted in her own beliefs about what constitutes a disability. This can often be shaped by societal views, but it doesn’t invalidate your lived experience.

You’re not pretending or exaggerating; you’re simply stating a fact about your life. The fact that your dad was willing to listen and educate himself demonstrates that change is possible, and it highlights the importance of open dialogue.

It’s understandable that you feel paralyzed in addressing your health after that confrontation. When someone close to you dismisses your reality, it can create self-doubt.

However, it’s essential to remember that you have the right to define your own identity, especially regarding your health. Your experiences are real, and how you label them is a personal choice that should not be dictated by others.

In addition, by discussing your identity openly, you're not only standing up for yourself but also helping to educate those around you about the complexities of disability.

This is a crucial part of advocacy and can contribute to broader understanding and acceptance in your family and community. It’s tough to face backlash, especially from loved ones, but don’t let that discourage you from owning your narrative.

Ultimately, you’re navigating a complicated situation with courage, and you deserve support in that journey. Continue seeking validation and understanding from friends and communities who appreciate your experiences. Remember, your health matters, and you are not alone in this.

fragrnw writes:

YTA. You seem to be using your health conditions as a way to gain sympathy or attention from your parents. If they’re not on board with your self-identification, maybe it’s worth reconsidering how you approach the topic with them. It can come off as disrespectful when you know they don’t see it the same way.

hauo writes:

YTA. You might have valid health issues, but using the term 'disabled' in front of your parents when they don’t see it that way seems like a way to provoke them.

If they believe your conditions are minor, perhaps you should respect their viewpoint instead of insisting on your label. It’s about family dynamics, and this seems more about proving a point than finding understanding.