Woman comes to tragic realization; 'My husband will never change and I have wasted my life.'

"I have come to the realisation, he is never going to change and I have wasted my life."

I (f34) have been with my partner (m43) for 16 years. We were 18 and 27 when we started dating.

We met when I was 16, I was obsessed with him but he wasn't interested in me. We fell out of contact and then met again.

When we started our relationship, we were actually in a very equal place. I know the age gap is off putting, but it was never an issue. We were both working similar retail jobs, we earned similar money, we have the same education level - we enjoyed the same things, we hated the same things, we were just incredibly compatible.

We didn't argue for the first 2-3 years of our relationship - he supported everything I chose to do, he cheered me on, he was amazing and vibrant and unconditionally loving.

During out 16 year relationship, I have continued to push my career, I now own my own business, fairly successful, to the point where it essentially runs itself and I just work there. I have learned languages. My tastes in music and film has changed, I am not the same person we were when we met. But he is.

3 years ago, he had a traumatic incident in his work place. He has not been able to go back to work. Which is fine, financially we are fine - could always be better but we survive better than some. But he doesn't do anything around the house - he thinks he does, but he really doesn't. He tells me he does, but there's no evidence of it.

For sake of argument, lets look at last night - I had a really long day in work, nightmare customer and nothing just seemed to go right no matter what I did, so at one point in the day I send him a message saying I could really use a big old cuddle when I get in.

His response "Don't worry about a thing, dogs will be walked, house will be tidy and tea will be ready when you walk through the door" - do you want to take a guess what I was met with when I walked in....? Dogs needed to be walked.

House was a mess (which I don't understand, it was tidy when I left, we don't have kids and the dogs haven't used the 6 dishes that are in the sink), and not even a thought of what tea was supposed to be let alone it being ready.

I didn't say anything, I just gave him a kiss and started doing the washing up. I was really upset that nothing he said would be done, was done, but I didn't want to argue, I just wanted it done.

As soon as I start washing up he says 'Oh babe, don't worry about that, I'll do it now', now I didn't mean this any other way than what I said but I replied with 'It's fine, I'm here now, I'll have it done in a minute' which I did.

But in that minute, he had gone upstairs and started to hoover... fine, great, wonderful. A minute after that he is banging the head of the hoover on the floor and literally having a tantrum because he has managed to block the hoover. Which he then throws to the ground and storms off.

So now I have to fix the hoover, which I do, because surprisingly slamming the head of the hoover on the floor won't clear the blockage (in fact it just jams the head of the hoover onto the pipe creating a vacuum, don't do it) but reaching in and just pulling the blockage out will. So after I fix the hoover, and proceed to clean the carpets I go back downstairs.

He is now sat on the chair in the kitchen, claiming that he has had a terrible day and that he is so incredibly under appreciated... Aghast, but still not wanting an argument I tell him I am sorry I have made him feel that way, harness the dogs and take them out.

Bare in mind, I got out of work at 5pm, got home, tidied up etc. Its now 6:10pm and I have about 40/50mins of light left to walk the dogs in. They are high energy breeds and need a good run, so by the time I get back its 7:20pm, pitch black out and hes 'worried' about me. And because he was worried, he hasn't put tea on yet. So I do that. I left for work at 6.30am, and I am still going.

He goes through ups and downs, of doing everything and doing nothing. But this pattern of promising me things and then never following though is happening a lot more recently.

And ever increasingly, I am being blamed for his shortcomings. If something goes bad in the day, its because I didn't do xyz, although often times he hasn't told me xyz needed doing or he has told me not to do it. I have had the conversation with him many times about the fact I am not a mind reader, and sometimes we have to talk to actually achieve an outcome.

In the 16 years we have been together, I have become an "adult" - I run the house and a business. I have duties. I have people who rely on me. He doesn't want that, and thats fine, but he's doing nothing to help his partner either.

He says he feels under appreciated, but I KNOW I am under appreciated.

Is this the whole sunk cost fallacy thing? We have been together so long. Our lives are completely entangled. I never wanted to get married, I wanted kids at one point - but I feel like I have delayed that because I think deep down I don't know if I want them with him.

He feels like the same person I met 18 years ago, and I feel like somebody completely different. I thought we would grow together. But he is never going to change is he? And I am just and idiot and a dick for thinking he would grow with me.

I don't want to end my relationship - who would get the dogs, there is too bigger fear of the unknown, its too difficult and painful to have a clean break, and despite all of this, I can't imagine my life without him. But this isn't the life I imagined.

I feel like I am being awful. I feel like I need to do more, but I don't have anything left, but I can't say that because then he will say that I am purposefully trying to make him feel bad. I am just exhausted.

Edit: I know I haven't responded to any comments, but I have read every single one of them. Thank you for the nice comments, thank you for the harsh ones. I hear you Reddit. I am not being kind to myself.

When I get in tonight, we will be having a discussion and trying to get to the bottom of this. If it doesn't go the way it needs to, its time to think about spending some time apart - maybe it will give us both a new perspective.

Just to offer some more information - the traumatic incident - He was the manager of a Nightclub, he and his employees were held up at gun point - during the incident he ended up getting pushed down the stairs to the cellar and broke his collar bone - he has had some therapy, but gave up after about 3 months when the therapist allegedly said "you're all better" (which is BS, but hey ho I can't force him).

The reason for not working was his collar bone/shoulder - but I think/know its more to do with PTSD, because his shoulder doesn't affect him that much day to day. We both have ADHD, I am the one with the (diagnosed) mental health issues - I have BDP and anxiety issues and I know I am a people pleaser, but I promise I am working on it.

Let's see what readers had to say:

paloma writes:

This is the tragedy of OP’s character, unfortunately. Clearly OP is driven and a go getter and this fundamental character trait backfired majorly when her 16 yo brain decided this guy was IT for her.

She convinced herself he was The One and she did everything she could to make that happen when given the opportunity. Only obviously he wasn’t really the one; she was just 16 and hadn’t seen enough of the world to know any better. Honestly HE should have known better.

And then when OP “got him” like she wanted her go getter character backfired yet again: the combination of her being so competent that she can easily carry two people on her back, plus his own weak character means he eventually “learned” to be helpless because why not? OP was successful enough for both of them.

Things would eventually get done because OP would just do them, and probably do them better than he can! I would almost bet that deep down he may even hold some resentment to OP for being so successful—maybe he thinks it was at the expense of his own personal or professional achievements, since until now he’s been supporting her.

I saw this dynamic play out with my own parents (minus the getting together too young part) and honestly? If the guy isn’t strong enough to course correct after being confronted with this during couples counseling then it’s a lost cause.

And I’m only saying that because maybe he’s in denial about how bad the status quo has become for her… a person with a good, strong character would simply not let things get to the point where OP is now.

frocear5 writes:

The way you described him, I don't see a 43 year old man. I see a 10 year old boy. You've, in essence, been raising a "child" this whole time, one who will never become an adult. He might have some issues, possibly autism or ADHD, or both. He should probably be assessed by a medical professional for it.

In the meantime, you really, really need to reconsider your future with this person. Sunk cost fallacy is exactly right. You've been with him since you were 18 years old and became an adult woman in that time, but his emotional growth has remained stunted. Now, instead of having equal partnership, you now have a parent-child relationship.

But if you're staying because leaving is too scary for you (your fear stemming from the fact that you've never actually been on your own for your entire adult life so far), you must look at your life now and accept that you will always be underappreciated, all of your hard work undercut by him, and you will be catering to him for as long as the two of you are together.

He likes the relationship the way it is because he doesn't have to lift a finger. If he doesn't do anything, "mommy" will do it all for him. You are contributing to his extended childhood. You could try couple's counseling but I doubt he'd go or get anything out of it because he doesn't see it as a problem.

Everything is good on his end so why are you complaining? His lack of empathy is also rather sad. For once in your life, put yourself first, and start making some tough decisions about the direction your life may/may not take. Only you can make the leap if you choose to. Good luck.

cagw3r writes:

I want you to know that everything you told here feels absolutely justified. I don't understand his viewpoint cause what the hell, but I also don't know you guys. From what you told, this sounds very frustrating.

This is the problem with age gap relationships - if you're at the same life stage despite it, and no controlling or abusive behaviour is happening (even though the way he makes you responsible for his own feelings and mistakes is very much not okay, no matter how he was before, and sometimes we only see the toxic behaviour from a distance),

one will still grow and change a lot more than the other. Almost no one is the same at 30 than they were at 20, but from 30 onwards, you're usually pretty much settled in who you are.

Sure, change is possible, but he doesn't seem to strive for that. He knew who he was at 27 and that was fine for him, but you were still growing - now you've grown out of who he is. There is probably a reason for why he was at the same life stage at 27 like an 18 year old.

This posts a question for you. To put it bluntly, you have three options - settle for who he is right now and don't expect change, leave and find someone who fits more to who you are now (and you are still pretty young - 35 is nowhere too late for anything!), or have the difficult talks, go to couples counseling, the whole nine yards to induce the change you need.

Cause you DO need something to change, and you need to make a decision. It's hard, I know it is, and I'm so sorry. But this is about you, and your happiness is just as important as his and anyone elses, you're responsible for caring for yourself. Not for him, not for anyone else - for you.

If you want to try fixing it, you NEED him to work with you. He needs to be aware that either it's this, or thats it with the relationship, because you're just not happy. If he can't or won't do that, you only have the other two options left - stay with who he is right now forever, or free yourself of a person that is dragging you down.

There's no right or wrong. There's only what is best for you, and that's not necessarily always what you want. It's difficult, but try your options, because your happiness is important. your are important. Don't look back in ten years and see so much struggling for a man who wouldn't have done the same for you. Good luck!

gahay writes:

This is one of the problems with an age gap like yours. Sure, you said it was never an issue, but you were growing into an adult and he had already done that. He had already become the person he was going to be and you were too young to realize what that meant. So while you were growing and pushing yourself, he had already achieved his potential.

The accident probably makes things worse because it highlights how successful you are AND how unsuccessful he is. I think he probably self-sabotages out of a place of insecurity. Or he promises things just so he can later gaslight you with his lies and manipulations about how it's all your fault.

I don't see how this will get better if you stay with him. Maybe if you get him into therapy and he realizes that he's just messy dead weight and actually WANTS to change, but that so rarely happens.

So yes, it's the sunken cost fallacy. You've put in so much time and effort that you're just beating a dead horse at this point because you don't want to just walk away from all those years. But like others have said, it was not a waste. You've accomplished remarkable things during the past 16 years.

The really shitty part is going to be the divorce. Because you built your company while you were married, he may be entitled to a portion. And since he's not working, you may have to pay alimony. But you know what makes it worth it? Your house still being clean when you get home at night without dirty dishes in the sink.