Woman concerned that she 'RUINED her husband and their marriage'; 'I know I crossed a line.'

↵

When this woman is convinced she ruined her marriage, she tells the internet:

"I think I’ve ruined my husband and our marriage"

I (30F) have been with my husband (33M) for a little more than 8 years and married for 6. We have two daughters.

My husband and I went to a bar last weekend with some of my friends. We bumped into his ex, who used to be a friend of a friend. For background, they dated at a time when he was insanely busy (full time corporate job, school part time, and competitively training for a sport all at once).

His ex left him after she gave him an ultimatum to spend more time with her or to break up and he chose to break up. She later tried apologizing and asking for them to get back together but he refused. I met my husband at a party two months later and things between us started there.

His ex hates me and believes they are still meant to be together. She was making a scene at the bar and we tried to avoid her until she said that they would still be together if my husband had taken her seriously back then.

I got frustrated and broke it down to her that during that time, my husband had at maximum 10-15 hours of free time a week and he would give her all of that time and she didn’t appreciate it.

When I got to spend that time with him, we made the most of it and I supported him through that phase of his life and now that he has a lot more time for family and friends, our relationship has blossomed into a beautiful marriage and two daughters.

His ex got mad at that and said to watch out and his father’s qualities will show up one day and walked away.

In our seven years together, my husband has never mentioned his father apart from telling me that he died two years before we met and that he was extremely physically absive.

I drank a little more than I should have and on the drive home, I couldn’t stop thinking about what his ex said, his father, and why she knew about his father from a six month relationship and I didn’t.

When we got home, I asked my husband about it and he told me that we could talk about this the next day when the alcohol wore off. I woke up the next day still wondering about everything and when he went to the gym, I took his journal and read part of it and it was way worse than I could have ever thought.

That evening, when we eventually had a conversation about what his ex said, I admitted that I looked in his diary for answers and read almost everything that he had written about his father and I made sure to apologize as well as compliment and tell him that he is infinitely a better husband, father, and man than his father.

He showed almost no reaction to what I said and in the following couple of days, he grew distant and cold. He left early in the morning, came home late and just in time to play with our daughters and read to them before they went to bed.

On the second day, I apologized again and asked him to please talk to me and I tried to cuddle with him on the couch. I started a small argument and he again responded minimally and I yelled that he was acting just like how his father would have.

I immediately realized what I said and tried to apologize for everything but he told me to stop. That was the last time we had a conversation. It’s been another four days and he’s keeping appearances in front of the girls but we’re barely talking. I hurt him in a terrible way and I can’t imagine how he’s feeling right now.

I can’t even look him in the eye and I’m ashamed of what I did and said. I’ve done some reflection and I think I have some hard feelings about the fact that his ex knew about his father when they were together for less than a year but I don’t know anything despite being married for five years.

Despite that, I still crossed a hard line with what I said. I think I might have ruined my husband and my marriage.

Let's see what readers thought:

gahtye writes:

I stopped trying to keep a journal or diary a long time ago, because my mother and my grandmother would both snoop through anything I wrote and read it, then use what they read against me. I tried again in my mid-30s but my husband kept trying to get into the app to read it- I found out because the app would take a picture if somebody tries to get into it with the wrong passcode.

Since then (I'm in my 40s now) I haven't bothered trying to write down my feelings or express myself in any way while writing, unless it's something that will disappear like Snapchat.

I know some people say "well if you weren't doing anything wrong, why do you have to have it secret? Couples should share everything" but I believe that's BS. Everybody needs privacy and their own space.

agahsht writes:

You don’t seem to understand how much you messed up. The guy has gone already. You were drunk. Pushy. Untrustworthy. Malicious. And given the nature of trauma, it’s like you did it all to the kid he was.

You just shoved him back in to a terrible time, threw a deep fear in his face, and it’s only dawning on you now, after sorry didn’t seem to fix it, that there could be consequences.

You fears are correct. What ever you do next will be figuring out how to move forward and maybe the structure of marriage will remain. He’s clearly put the work in to be a good parent. You might want to reflect on what kind of person are, and who you want to be. What behavior to model for your kids. And how to act with more grace to someone you damaged so very successfully.

aghlwer writes:

The good thing is, he probably won’t divorce you because he knows he would get his ass handed to him in a divorce. No way is he going to look at you the same, and why should he?

It sounds like you handled the ex very well and with maturity. And then you got more drunk and shocker, you made bad choices.

My father was an alcoholic a-hole and my wife knows this. And she has said that same junk as you a few times. And guess what? I fell a little out of love with her those days and it has not came back and never will.

Some of us dudes go real hard out of our ways to NEVER act like our F’d up fathers, because we know the pain it causes. And then the one we trust the most, throws that in our face because your feelings were a little hurt. There really isn’t a way back from that, you said what you said after what, 1 day of knowing what his father was like. Yikes.

I mean best of luck, maybe lay off the booze because you make some bad choices evidently. And guess what else? That door back to his ex just got a little wider. The best thing you can do is keep trying, maybe he does the math and realizes “it is cheaper to keep her.”

aghyuwre writes:

I’d be just as angry at you as he is. He TOLD YOU IT COULD BE DISCUSSED LATER, and you were too nosey and too impatient to respect that. Reading a private journal? DISGUSTING in my opinion.

Let me tell you something— I was married 30 years, and my now EX-HUSBAND read my journal after about ten years of marriage and guess what? I could NEVER use a journal as an outlet again!

I could never ever trust that the words I wrote in something so sacred would never be read by my nosey intrusive partner. I was furious! YOU HAVE RUINED the trust he once had for you. YOU DESTROYED THAT BY INVADING HIS PRIVACY.

Even married people have a right to private thoughts, private journals, and even friends separate from the partner. Now think of it like this, OP. MAYBE, when your husband was seeing this ex-girlfriend he was in a different state of mind, maybe his memories of his father were on the forefront of his mind— maybe he needed to share those details with her.

Now fast forward to you— maybe YOU filled some void in him where he didn’t need to tell you. Maybe being with you was better than being with her, and he wasn’t feeling the trauma of his father as heavily with you and therefore did not need to discuss his father with you.

OR maybe it’s the opposite! MAYBE HE KNEW BETTER THAN TO SHARE THOSE DETAILS WITH YOU—MAYBE HE KNEW YOU WERE A TOTAL B AND WOULD USE IT AGAINST HIM—- LIKE YOU HAVE.

And so let me understand…. You’re upset over NOT KNOWING about his father because his ex-girlfriend knows about his father, you REFUSE TO RESPECT that he wants to discuss it when sober with a clear head, YOU VIOLATE HIS SACRED TRUST and privacy and read his journal because you’re too impatient to wait for him to get home from work...

THEN YOU ACCUSE HIM OF BEING LIKE HIS FATHER—- using the ammunition you gained by reading his most private thoughts—violating him, to now throw it in his face and make baseless hurtful comments.

All because some ex-girlfriend knows something you didn’t. BIG WHOOP! Oh boy, the more I type the more angry I become. OP you have some serious issues and they have nothing to do with the ex-girlfriend, your soon to be EX-HUSBAND (praying he leaves you!), or his father. Go get some help.

adghyu writes:

He deserves time right now. You need to tell him that you know you are wrong for what you did and he should take all the time he needs, and you will be there if and when he is ready to talk/ work through things.

After that I would encourage giving him space. I would write letters to him during this time, but don’t give it to him until he’s ready to talk. And when you are struggling because he is distancing himself, write the letter to express your emotions/heartache for what you’ve done.

That way you can stop trying to feel better by controlling when he will open up to you and can find some sort of release as you wait.

It seems like your husband has a hard time with being vulnerable with you. Stop taking this as something personal about you, that’s what got you into this mess in the first place, that insecurity.

This is something that may be hard for him generally as a person because of what’s he’s gone through and now it is going to be even harder for him. So actually respect him enough to show him you can be someone that’s patient, compassionate, and safe.

You’re arguably one of the most important people in his life. He should have opened up to you about his father more initially and this wouldn’t have had such a toll on the relationship.

You lacked self control when you were trying to get a reaction out of him when he was being cold towards you, the very words you spoke were also from the mouth of his ex, meaning you wanted him in that moment to see the pain you felt about her knowing about his father and not you.

And you wanted him to hurt like how you did because she (the ex) knew and you didn’t. That doesn’t excuse what you said about him being like his father, but it gives perspective to the fact you may be acting out of insecurity.

You need to understand he chose you and you are who he married and this part of him may be something he’s not yet learned HOW to share with you because he possibly hasn’t completely managed to handle on his own mentally.

It may be something he is trying to suppress because it was extremely painful for him. He has to be willing to heal that on his own (and seems like he’s been trying with journaling) and he has to see the trauma in a different light for himself before he’s able to do so with anyone else.

This also doesnt excuse that he should have been able to open up to you, but it gives light to why he possibly hasn’t. And should be why you give more grace regardless of the time together.

Trauma is extremely hard to deal with and talking about it only makes it worse if you haven’t learned coping mechanisms, ways to communicate It, or learned better perspectives to hold despite it all.

Just based on his reaction, while people do need time and deserve it, before you even made the mistake with the diary or words said, It appears that your husband was struggling to be vulnerable with you emotionally.

If your husband’s reaction when mad is not to express his feelings, withdraw, or be cold emotionally, this is something that could be the root to your frustrations with him.

And it is very well a possibility that he is struggling to share his emotions or be vulnerable because he didn’t have the stability or love needed during his upbringing to have someone other than himself to keep his feelings safe with or protected.

That goes deeper than just the wanting to know about his father and more about wanting him to have the ability to be comfortable to express his emotions with you.

So try to understand that he may not be perfect at the expressing emotions, but he chose you to marry and build with. Whether he learned how to express his past or not, this is something that had a huge effect on him. And you need to again be what he needs right now and you can ask him what that looks like. But for certain it’s space.

He has to think about the content of your character and if who you have been for all these years to him in love are enough to drive him to making small steps through these flaws and shortcomings you’ve expressed recently. He has a choice to make and it’s his to make.

Something I would say is super important is, stop pressing to talk about his father. Stop trying to excuse what you’ve done because he didn’t tell you yet.

Instead, when he’s ready, tell him how you feel about not being someone he has been able to be emotionally available with (outside of his father) if that is true. Explain to him how it makes you feel if he closes up or doesn’t show emotions.

And no I don’t mean say this as something to get him to hurry and forgive you. Rather, if this is something you are expressing from the little things over time or something that has have shown up over and over again in the past.

I would encourage you to tell your husband when he’s ready to talk, how you truly feel about who he has been as a husband and father. Express the quality and traits that you see are amazing about him beyond and despite of his father.

While he may already know, show him you see it, and that you respect that even more now.

Encourage your husband that you want to be someone he’s comfortable to talk to about his father, but you do want this to be on his time and not your own. Tell him that you see what happens when you try to control the situation and make him and how it’s led to these awful choices.

Encourage him to work the feelings for his father/upbringing out on his own and tell him you trust that he can share this when he’s ready. And actually give him time to do this. Even if that means another five years. He deserves his OWN healing journey as an individual.

However before telling him to take that time needed to talk about his father, try telling him why you want to know. Show him that it’s because you actually want to support him and not use this information in a harmful way, again.

Tell him that you want to learn how to be what he needs to help, to be able to love on the aching part of him if he ever needs you to. So he doesn’t have to be alone through those emotions. Try telling him that you want it to bring you closer, not something that tears you apart. And only tell him these things if you really mean it.

Be kind. Patient. Loving in the small ways he may allow over time. But ultimately just keep hoping that you can work through this. Think positive. I truly believe you can get through this. Patience. Tears. Forgive yourself.

You made mistakes. We all say things we regret. And while we can’t get those words back, you can make every effort to say what you really mean and not what your emotions lead you to say. So tell him what you really feel when he allows you the space to. And never speak to him like that again.