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Woman cuts off parents at 18 when they prefer her 'beautiful' twin sister ; 'Now they want me BACK in their life?! NO!' AITA? UPDATED

Woman cuts off parents at 18 when they prefer her 'beautiful' twin sister ; 'Now they want me BACK in their life?! NO!' AITA? UPDATED


When this woman is annoyed with her parents, she asks the internet:

"Parents [40s] treated me [21F] very badly and I cut them off. Now they want a new beginning but I'm done. AITA?"

I have a non-identical twin sister. The two of us couldn't be any more different. She is lucky enough to be very beautiful and tall and very good looking. She has always ticked every box on her looks.

I wasn't so lucky. I wasn't on the beautiful side and was shorter (right now I'm 5-1, she's 5-8). She was also better at making friends and being sociable while I was always her awkward sister (now I know I'm on the autism spectrum but was only diagnosed two years ago, parents never bothered with that).

Now none of these make my parents horrible. What makes them horrible is the way the treated me and my sister. They always treated her like she is an angel and treated me like I'm a loser.

This goes back as early as we were 3-4 years old. For each 20 picture that they have of her childhood, they have maybe 2-3 of mine. Literally they have over 10 times as many pictures of her, and most of mine are of both of us. She would always get a lot of attention from everyone and I got none.

Parent spent much more money on her too. Say if they wanted to spend $100 on clothes, $80 goes to her and $20 to me. Their reasoning has always been that she's more beautiful and it's worth spending more on her as she's gets a lot more attention while nobody looks...

at me anyway so why bother with better clothes, they have literally told me that many times. I was in a sports team, they never once came to see me playing while they go see my sister cheerleading every week. Extend this to everything and you know the story of my life.

I hated every second of my childhood. I hated my sister (yes I know none of this was actually her fault, I worked on myself with a therapist so I no longer feel any hate/blame towards her).

Since I was 15 I was counting the days until I become 18 and can leave and never come back and that's what I did (that's the age which you can leave home without parent consent where we live). I left home the day after my 18th birthday. The night before parents threw a birthday party for us (well, for her).

Their gift for her was a $1000 gift card from a luxury designer brand, for me a $100 gift card for a bookstore, arguing that this $100 gives me the same level of ability to buy the things I like (books) as that $1000 would to her (expensive clothes).

OK. Their logic. They knew I was thinking of leaving but had no idea I wanted out ASAP. I left that day. They asked me to stay and allow them to help out but I was like "I've had enough of you, leave me alone".

I never made any contact with them after that. As soon as I was able to I moved to another city (to get even as further away as I hated that city too). They called/texted me for a while for a while but I never answered or replied and changed my number eventually. I had also removed them from all my social media.

I set so that if they sent me any emails it would automatically get deleted and a reply "automatically deleted, do not waste your time" to be sent. That's the current status of things on my side.

Two days ago my dad sent me a message on Facebook. My initial instinct was to delete it but I opened it and started reading.

This was the first message in months from them. He explained that he understands that they were not good parents and they did a lot of wrong but maybe we can start over. He asked if I can come over for dinner at some point so all of us can get to know "the new" each other better. I haven't responded.

I don't know if I should give them another chance or just delete this message and don't look back.

tl;dr: Parents treated me much worse than my twin sister because she was/is more beautiful. I left right after my 18th birthday and ceased all contacts. Now they want a new beginning after 3 years.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

dafhady writes:

What do you want? Do you long for a repaired relationship with them, or are you happier with them out of your life? You might explore your options with a therapist. Remember, if you aren't ready now, you can always respond with a "Maybe later. I'll be in touch."

OP responded:

I wanted a good relationship with them for many many years. When I was growing up every night I prayed for them to become nicer to me and like me for who I am but that was three years ago and my world is much bigger now. I'm thinking of talking to my therapist about this.

tevicbon writes:

My first thought is maybe your sister needs a kidney?

OP responded:

To be honest that came to my mind at first when I was reading the message.

ratechen writes:

Did you not have grandparents or aunts and uncles who tried to tell they they were unfair? I have 3 daughters, and while I have probably done birthdays where I didn't spend the same of them, they at least got what they asked for. Parents are not perfect people, but my gosh, your parents need a kick in the pants

OP responded:

They were all in on it. Grandparents, aunt, uncles, everyone adored her and were at best indifferent to me. I remember my grandfather telling me to learn from my sister to be a nice and popular girl that everybody loves. I was maybe 12.

zeropp writes:

This may not be popular but I have a different perspective than a lot of these commenters. I too was raised by pretty crappy parents. I don't want to get into details since this isn't a throwaway but my...

parents were negligent, cold, cruel, and at times abusive. And I was the target of this, particularly when diagnosed with a serious illness, while my sister went unscathed.

Recently, 5+ years after I moved out, my parents reached out to me wanting to make up for how they treated me. At first I was hurt and vengeful and felt they didn't deserve to get to enjoy parenting me now when they failed at it so badly when I needed them. But eventually I listened to them, slowly and in small bits at a time, and it has been one of the best decisions I've made.

I know how immensely happy it has made them to feel forgiven and to feel like they are getting to have a parental role in my life. And for as much as I do resent them, it feels really good to give them that sense of contentment.

Walking away is always an option, it won't go anywhere. This opportunity might. I say be careful (you said you're in therapy and that's a great leg up) and figure out your boundaries ahead of time but then give them a chance.

They might hurt you again in which case OK, you're learning the tools to handle that. But they also might be sincere and I think you'd ultimately be sad not to allow for this opportunity with them.

My dad actually had it much worse than either of us. His mom abused him, poisoned him, locked him outside in the winter, and was horrible to him while lavishing his 5 siblings.

When she was on her death bed, he sat with her and talked to her about forgiveness. He has been a kinder man since and it was clearly good for him. If you have the opportunity before they're on the deathbed, maybe even the opportunity to make some new happier memories with them, I say give it a (careful) shot.

hahawr4 writes:

It is not possible to "start over" or have a "new beginning." You bore the brunt of obvious disfavor for your entire childhood and you're an adult now. You cannot go back and have another childhood, you only get one, and it was full of jealousy and pain because of the way your parents treated you.

You could have grown up with a sister that you loved, a companion for life, but because of the way your parents treated the both of you, you're estranged from her as well.

What they can do is to apologize to you properly. I think it would probably feel good for you to hear that. But I think it's too risky going over for dinner, not knowing if they're going to apologize or how completely.

This message came from your dad, maybe he is recognizing they did some things wrong, but has your mom recognized that? You don't know. You could show up and they could spend two thirds of the time bragging about your sister, and you could find out yet another example of her being favored over you.

So I would say no, say that you are willing to hear an apology, but that you aren't willing to just come over for dinner and pretend you don't have problems.

487frotna writes:

OP, send this note to your parents. There will be zero chance of reconciliation until you and mom both explain to me why you treated my sister better than me for my entire childhood.

Explain to me why for every 1 picture you took of me you took 10 of her. Explain to me why you thought it was ok to treat me like I was dirt simply because I was not born as attractive as her.

Explain to me how you can justify ignoring me for 18 years. Justify to me why you never came to see me play Explain to me HOW you could love her more than you loved me.

Do you have any idea what its like growing up knowing that your parents love your sister more than they love you? No. You don't. Because your parents weren't superficial assholes.

You can't just say you were bad parents and expect me to forgive you. You weren't just shitty parents, you were shitty human beings.

You had 2 children, and you decided that one was better than the other. WHO DOES THAT? Seriously. Who can look at their own flesh and blood and decide that because one was prettier, they would get more of your love?

If you ever want me in your life again, you will explain to me why you did what you did. You will acknowledge that you were horrible parents and even worse human beings.

You can not hide what you did and pretend that it never happened and then expect me to forgive you. No...if you ever hope to have me in your lives again you are going to have to somehow figure out a way to make up for 18 years of being awful awful people.

I hated my childhood. I hated my sister, and I hated the two of you. That is 100% your fault and no one elses. Until you are willing to acknowledge all the truly disgusting ways you mistreated me, there is no chance of reconciliation. Its all on you. If you truly want me in your lives, you are going to have to prove it.

There is no justifications for how you treated you me. NONE. So don't even try. You were not good parents and more importantly, you were not good people. I want you to acknowledge that and accept it. If and when that ever happens, I will be open to seeing you.

I used to pray every night that my parents would love me as much as they loved my sister. That was my childhood. Those are the memories I have to carry around with me every day of my life.

There was no joy, there was no love. I spent 18 years wishing my own parents didn't hate me. And I am not willing to put myself through that again because you are tired of people asking where I am and why I disappeared from your lives.

It's up to you whether or not you are a part of my life, my future family's life, and my future children's lives.

But just know, that you will only get one chance. If you pretend to be remorseful, if you revert back to your old ways, or if you can't admit to completely failing me as parents and revert back to the awful people you used to be...then I will tell everyone my parents are dead and you will never see or hear from me again.

OP...this is your chance. This is your chance to tell your parents everything you have ever wanted to say to them. Don't hold back. They need to see what they did to you, they need to know how much they hurt you.

Only then will you know if they truly want to reconcile, or if as I suspect, they are tired of explaining to their friends why one of their daughters fell off the face of the earth. Good luck...

And now, OP's first update:

Thanks for your comments and suggestions there. They were super helpful and helped me see things a lot more clearly. Love you all.

This is a big big update and something quite shocking. I've got to go back to my therapist.

Before I get to it, a lot of you asked about my relationship with my sister. Well. There's no relationship really. I spent all of my childhood hating her and never really had a nice relationship with her.

She was not like my parents but they had spoiled the hell out of her and she sort of always saw herself as the better one of the two of us. Not surprised there and right now I don't even blame her for that.

On the day that I was leaving I gave her a hug and told her that maybe if we had different parents we could have really been sisters but it's not how it turned out in this life but maybe we can make up for it later ourselves. I told her that if she wants to talk to me about this she can call me and we can meet up. She never called me.

As it appeared from the last post, I went to talk to my therapist about this and she suggested that I can initiate some conversation and see how it goes. Based on her assessment she was happy if I wanted to go and see them I just need to understand that there's no obligation to go or stay. Good.

I replied to my father's message with this: Hi dad; For us to ever have a chance of seriously starting over, you owe me an answer. Why?

I expect an honest answer. No "why what?", no "come and let's talk in person" or anything of that sort, just give it to me straight, believe me I can handle reading it if you could handle doing it. If you're not willing to give me that then I'm not willing to start over.

He came back to me the next day with a long message, explaining "why". Let's get right to it:

He told me that him and my mom wanted a child, and only one child as they didn't have the resources and energy of having more than one. They realized that we're twins, that screwed up everything and actually made them sad rather than happy.

They decided to give one of us up for adoption. They looked around and even found a couple. In case you wondered, I was the one they decided to give away because I was smaller and my eyes weren't blue (yeah, that's how you decide which one of your kids to keep).

They arranged everything, even took me to the them but that couple bailed out before signing the papers, when they saw me and my sister. Their conscience couldn't handle separating twin sisters like this.

After this they looked for some couples and nobody seemed willing to adopt one of twin sisters. They entertained the idea of putting me into foster care but they couldn't live with themselves if they did.

I think that says a lot. Stranger couples, who so badly wanted to adopt a child, couldn't be heartless enough to separate twin sisters but their fucking parents wanted to do it. It's beyond me.

So they had to raise me themselves and they didn't enjoy it at all. In their minds the fact that they didn't put me into foster care was a favor in itself, more than what I apparently deserved and that's why they never cared to do more for me.

Their full time and resources belonged to my sister and the small part of it that got to me, they saw it as me taking what's my sister's away. That's how they saw me. No wonder my childhood turned out the way it did.

He said that deep inside they always knew what they were doing was wrong but they could never step up and do the right thing during this 18 years. Why not?

They thought that changing the dynamic would negatively affect my sister as she's now used to being offered more time and resources and I'm used to not getting it, so making it more equal would be a luxury for me and a pain for her. They thought that's not fair for my sister to be in pain for the sake of my luxury. Again, their logic. I don't even know what to say to that.

Ever since I left, mom and dad are having trouble. My sister is off to college and they're alone now with all the time in the world to think about what they did. They've been to marriage counselling and according to him that has helped them see everything clearly now and see how cruel they were to me.

He says they want to start over and make up for all of it if I'm prepared to allow them. This is quite shocking for me. This explains a lot about why my childhood turned out the way it did. I'm going to be honest.

I wished they had given me away for adoption. I really really do. I could have been with adoptive parents who really wanted me rather than with biological parents who never did.

I still don't believe that they have changed though, this can be the result of my sister (their golden child) being away and not spending as much time with them and them trying to replace her with me. I don't want to do that at all but I don't know. I've got to talk to my therapist.

Please give me your opinions again. You guys were so useful to me last time. Your help means a lot.

Dad opened up about how they wanted to put me for adoption and they couldn't find a couple to agree to separate twin sisters. That turned out to how they decided to treat me during my childhood. They say they're getting counselling and see the wrong in them and want to make up for it now.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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