Woman debates attending at friend's wedding; 'There are FOUR BIZARRE requirements for certain female guests.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman is shocked to receive a controversial wedding invite, she asks the internet:

"AITA? Invited to a wedding but there are several catches?"

I was so happy to see a wedding invitation in my mailbox. I pulled it out and a little note fell out on an index card but I looked at the invitation first. It was truly beautiful and I immediately stuck it to my fridge like the work of art it was.

It was addressed to my husband and me and I was beyond stoked. I love weddings. I tend to get teary-eyed and smile until my face hurts at the joy of new beginnings and all the love. I was even a wedding singer ... that's how much I love them.

I picked up the notecard and read that and while my husband was invited .... There were four bizarre requirements. 1. I'd be in another room helping to babysit all the children there with several other female invitees.

2. There's a special room for children at the church and that's where I'd be. For everything. 3. I'd still need to dress for a wedding in case I wind up in any photos, but I'd be taking my reception meal with the children and I'd be with all the kids for the ceremony. Then there was a link for their gift registry.

4. Oh, and the meals for my husband and myself would be $100.00 each and we have a link to pay it when we digitally RSVP.

The first problem here is that I am disabled at 50 years old. Legally. I use oxygen. I use a walker when I need to walk long distances. I sometimes have to give up the walker entirely and use a wheelchair. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

I could happily sit in a room and LOOK at kids but I'd be pretty useless to prevent a fall or stop a child from choking or anything else that would require me to move quickly.

Second, my husband isn't the one who has been friends with these people since childhood. I am. Why would he be invited to watch the ceremony and be part of the reception but not me?

My husband said he'd happily watch the kids and let me attend the wedding and reception but the invitation specified that only other FEMALE invitees would be watching the kids so I doubt they'd let him.

Is this a normal thing at weddings now? Do you pick guests to babysit other guest's children? Should I call them up and explain my health situation even though they already know it and visit me during my multiple hospitalizations a year?

I hate having to pull the health card but honestly ... what were they thinking? I confess that I feel offended and hurt that I'm nothing more than a babysitter to them who is expected to pay for my supper and babysit for free.

Would I be TA to simply tell them we won't be able to attend and to find another sitter? And if we don't go ... do we still send a gift?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

gadga7 writes:

NTA, to me this is an unheard of level of unhinged entitlement. Why in the actual hell would someone think it’s ok to ask a supposed friend to pay $100 per person and pay for a gift in exchange for watching a herd of other people’s kids (that you probably don’t even know)?!?

I can’t even wrap my head around this. I truly hope not a single woman agrees to this nonsense. I don’t even know the people getting married but I know I don’t like them.

chesirhscat writes:

NTA. So this couple are friends of yours, yet invited your husband to attend the ceremony and reception while telling you that your role along with other women have to be babysitters? And then to also have the audacity to say that you have to pay $200 to attend their wedding in order to eat??

This is beyond tacky and entitled. It would be one thing to ask you if you mind helping with other guests' children, but to basically tell you that this is the role you will have? This is beyond ridiculous.

I'd send regrets that you and your husband cannot attend and leave it at that. And since this is how they view you I wouldn't waste money on a gift to them either.

coopersma writes:

NTA!!! Dear Donna, I’m terribly excited about the wedding, but have a dilemma. I think I received the wrong card slipped into my invitation.

As you know, with my oxygen and wheelchair, it would be impossible for me to safely babysit during the wedding ceremony and reception. The index card assigning babysitting perhaps belonged to another guest?

I would be happy to help out another way. I could (whatever works for you) example: hand out confetti or bird seed if being thrown after the ceremony or_____. Me

fagasd writes:

NTA! even though I also love wedding nothing could make me go to this one… I wouldn’t go and wouldn’t send a gift… I can’t imagine much people wanting to pay for an overpriced meal and to babysit a ton of other people’s children oh yes and be away from their partner for the entire event…

why not just make it child free or make parents responsible for their kids? If people have to pay to attend why ask for a gift? It’s also

I would definitely not go, not send a gift and reevaluate my relationship with these people; they don’t value you, it’s misogynistic that only the woman have to spend their whole day looking after the children whilst men can go have fun, unburdened day.

Is this a pay for my wedding, free childcare for the entire event until parents pick up kids and gift grab…. Not classy or caring about the guests they send this to at all. I wouldn’t even have a conversation with them about it I’d just RSVP NO!

They shouldn’t be surprised most that got this special piss take invite wouldn’t attend… I’ll mute their calls for a while because they will only be calling for free babysitting when no one else agrees, $200 wedding contribution and maybe their gift.

I hope you and husband go have a lovely date night at your favourite restaurant, theatre etc and enjoy $200 + gift amount on yourselves having a peaceful romantic night together. I’m sure most would do the same, go out with other friends or save their money instead of going.

And now, OP's 1st update:

I know these folks because my mom (RIP, Mom) and the bride's grandma were besties.

So, I grew up with the bride's mom as an almost sister to me. We went to school together, graduated together, worked at the same place twice, and have been super close since. The bride is like a goddaughter... at least I thought she was. I'm gobsmacked here.

The church where they are getting married is a Southern Baptist church. They aren't members. None of us are overly religious.

They just liked the venue and booked it. I've never been inside but it's lovely on the outside and apparently, it has a childcare room that is big enough for a bunch of women and kids to hole up comfortably for a wedding and reception.

We're all American. The groom's family is related to my family via marriage and the bride and groom met at my house at a cookout a few years ago. I've always been way closer to the bride's family, though.

I knew that there had been a proposal. I got Facetimed about ten minutes after it happened and my husband and I cried and laughed and wished them well and ooohed and ahhhed over their story and the ring. I was expecting an invitation, sure. But not like this.

The last time I had lunch with the bride's mom, she told me they're inviting around 200 people so it'll be a large wedding with, I'm assuming, a ton of children.

No, I don't hate kids. I love kids. I would have loved to have kids of my own but my body just wouldn't do it. It took two miscarriages and a stillbirth to finally make me accept that it wouldn't happen for us.

We are in the process of adult adopting two young adults that we brought into our home when we found out they were kicked out and homeless at 18. They've lived with us for years and we're making it legal. They call us Mom and Pop and we're a family.

I'm still considering my options. I've started and deleted multiple emails to the bride's mom. I'm a raw nerve right now and my tone isn't the kindest. I want to keep it all in writing so there can be no he said/she said.

I plan to ask if they incorrectly sent me the note about babysitting since they know I physically cannot do that. But every inception of the email led with 'WTAF, Donna!?' So, I need to think about it some more.

I never expected this to be my reality at fifty years old. Never. I went from being so healthy and doing all kinds of sports (I rocked Roller Derby! And could swim like a fish! And loved to play tennis!) to this.

And sometimes I feel like it's not even my own body I'm living in anymore. It's just not okay. Therapy is helping me accept it but it's an uphill battle that I feel like I can't win. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Update 2:

I spoke to my friend (the mother of the bride) and I'm pretty upset. I've been bawling for most of the day. She called and said that they were getting a lot of backlash from the wedding guests. No one wants to pay $100 for dinner and only three of the women asked were okay with babysitting.

I told her I understood that the guests were upset because it's just tacky to 1) be asked to pay and 2) be TOLD you are invited but only to babysit. I told her I would not be a babysitter. At all. No. Just no.

She got mad and brought up how we were lifelong friends. She said I'd be helping them more by babysitting than I'd be helping by simply sitting in a pew watching. I reminded her that I couldn't physically help at ALL due to, you know, being legally disabled.

She said they completely understood that and expected me to simply 'supervise' the other sitters since they trusted me most. Again, I told her that I felt it was insulting to be volun-told (thanks, Reddit, for that word) that I'd be babysitting and that I had no desire to do that, especially not dressed in formal wear.

THEN we got to the truth. She said that she didn't know if I'd be in a wheelchair that day or require a walker. That's fair. I don't always know which one I'll need.

She said that they wanted everyone in pews for the wedding video and me sitting in a wheelchair would make me stick out and ruin video/photos. I said, "If I need a wheelchair that day then I can move to a pew and my husband can put the wheelchair in another room or back in our car. I may not even need it that day."

Then she says, "Well, space is limited in the pews. You would take up the space of two people with your purse and oxygen tank."

I said, "No, I would not. I wouldn't bring a purse in and the oxygen tank either sits on my lap or between my feet." (it's like a little backpack.)

Then she said, "Well, having you in oxygen in the photos would be distracting from the other people."

And there you have it. Words were exchanged and she hung up on me. I haven't been removed from any social media YET but I fully expect to be. I already feel awful for being this way at only 50 years old. I didn't choose this.

I didn't want this. If she thinks its awful to having it photographed ... just imagine living with it. Which is what I told her before she hung up on me. I'm devastated. Just devastated.