Woman defends neurodivergent BF when friends 'bully' him during SALSA incident. AITA?

When this woman feels like she shouldn't have defended her autistic boyfriend, she asks the internet:

"AITA for trying to see both sides of the situation?"

I know my boyfriend Mike can be alot. He has some hangups about food because he is autistic. One is he won’t eat previously hot food of it goes cold. He has been like that and it’s harmless.

We went to a friend’s house for dinner and she cooked us all tacos with homemade salsas and I told her I could never get my salsa right and she told me the tomatoes and things in salsa are traditionally roasted or boiled first. She is Mexican decent but grew up here.

Mike started to tell her it wasn’t right and salsa is made fresh in Mexico. She explained pico de gallo Is fresh and salsa is roasted and Mike argued until it was shown to him on google, TikTok and YouTube on how to prepare.

I know Mike can be stubborn and I never argue with him when he’s in a mood and said it was stupid to heat up salsa and serve it cold. I don’t know what triggered it but Mike was asked to leave after that comments and it became a whole screaming match at him and everyone yelled at him.

I felt bad and tried to defend him. But we had to leave. I was told as long as I’m dating Mike I can’t hangout with my friends anymore because they call him racist.

He’s not. I tried explaining he’s autistic and has food aversions and it just probably bothered him that a hot dish was served cold. I was told how it doesn’t matter that he shouldn’t argue with some how a cultural dish is prepared especially when it is prepared by someone of that culture and to call cooking method stupid.

My friends told me to do better and not date someone like Mike. No one will discuss it with me and Mike called them all bully a$$ b!tches. I tried explaining it to him why it might be considered r ace ist but he told me to shut it and has been really distant to me saying I put him in that position. I see both sides of the issue and I hate that everyone is mad at me?

Let's see what readers thought:

midwestrinc writes:

NTA. Autism is a condition, not an excuse - he was rude, implied someone of the culture didn't know how the food was prepared and decided to lash out at everyone (including you) due to his food aversion.

My partner can't eat foods with certain textures, no matter how good the food is they get upset and feel sick in their stomach if I force them to try. That said, they wouldn't argue with me about how a dish in my culture should be prepared due to their aversion.

There are therapists Mike can see who can help him deal with his aversions in the real world. He's perfectly capable of politely refusing something he doesn't like and having civil conversation.

Is he forever for you? Is he worth the wedge in your friend group? Is it worth the mistreatment you face for trying to help him navigate the world? He's not racist, he's just an asshole for his behavior, autistic or not.

zerodyme writes:

Oh boy... so the mental state of your BF and aversion to food caused him to act out in front of a lot of people who may or may not fully understand his condition.

ESH on all parties involved, you, him and the host On the BF because it doesn't matter if he is autistic or not,he should still respect what is offered to him and kindly decline of it doesn't match his preference and make do with a substitute

You because you did nothing to stop either side from ripping each other apart The host because they need to understand his mental situation more better and to not immediately be on the defensive about their culture when they are dealing with a person who may not fully understand why they are upset at him .

solma writes:

Autism isn't a get-out-of-being-an-asshole card. People with autism process the universe differently than neurotypical folks (to varying degrees), but they can be funny, nice, mean, indifferent, interesting, boring and they can be assholes. Mike, whatever his various qualities are, he sounds like an asshole, that is for sure.

I don't quite get how, in your narrative, Mike is necessarily a racist, which means either your friend is throwing that word around pretty easily, or you are leaving some stuff out of your story. Given how much of an apologist for Mike you are... kinda leaning on the idea that you cleaned up this story.

Feels like you're going to be apologizing for Mike a lot, and that you apologize for Mike a lot. At what point in all this apologizing do you get that Mike is plainly, simply, the one at fault?

The universe is not going to reshape itself to fit him anymore than it reshapes itself to fit anyone. At what point do you understand that sometimes... there aren't 2 sides?

Or perhaps better stated, at one point does one understand that when there are 2 sides, one of those sides can be wrong? If I hold a rock and say "this is very hard", and Mike says "no its not, its very soft".

While technically, I suppose there are 2 "sides" to that argument, one of those sides is wrong. You whining (and that is what you are doing here) about "seeing both sides" is really you trying to blind yourself to the fact that one of the sides is just straight up wrong.

Mike is an Asshole. And in this situation, yeah so are you. Grow a spine, stand up to Mike, or get used to being his walking, talking apology machine. YTA.

eeft writes:

YTA, but only very slightly. Mike is a huge AH. He can have whatever food preferences he wants, but he doesn't get to mansplain someone's own culture to them.

He was arrogant and obnoxious, and yes, racist. He refused to back down or acknowledge other people's expertise in their own culture, and he was insulting and argumentative. He could have let it go, but instead he was not only wrong, but an asshole to everyone.

You're very slightly TA for trying to justify his appalling behaviour. I know you were in a difficult position and just trying desperately to mediate, but the way he behaved was not okay, and trying to gloss over his racism and rudeness is a bad look.

Look, I've been there. I once dated someone who was kind of arrogant and would behave badly with others and embarrass me.

You're going to be a lot happier if you stop trying to smooth over his bad behaviour and instead just dump him. You're TA to yourself if you continue to be with someone who is an asshole to others and leaves you to clean up the mess.

He's not very nice to you either. You say you "never argue with him when he's in a mood." Why are you with someone who you can't discuss things with and resolve conflict? It sounds like you're walking on eggshells and that's no way to live.

And now he's having a sulk about everything that happened and is refusing to admit his behaviour was a problem. He's not open to hearing other people's points of view and he literally told you to shut up. That's no way to speak to a person you claim to love.

This isn't an autism thing. This is an asshole thing.

Your friends had every right to be angry, and it was reasonable for them to put up a boundary of not spending time with someone who's racist, arrogant, and argumentative. I recommend that you follow their example.

sonicg writes:

You are NTA for trying to see both sides of the situation, but I think that if you side with Mike YTA.

I don't think Mike's behavior was appropriate at all and his being autistic shouldn't be used as an excuse for what he did. It sounds like things got really heated and devolved into a screaming match, so I have wonder what exactly Mike was saying throughout that argument to get that strong of a reaction from your friends.

I mean you were talking about salsa, and that somehow led to racist remarks being made?

I feel like something there is not adding up, and that level of behavior just can't be excused by saying that Mike is autistic. He still needs to be held accountable for how he reacts and responds to other people, so he can learn what is and is not appropriate in different social settings.

mycouch writes:

Like his preferred food, sounds like your man has never learned how to cool down [cue intro music]

I'm kinda going with ESH (except maybe your friends). Your bf for his behaviour and you for enabling him.

I'm going to preface this by saying that I lived in an apartment with 2 full grown autistic men for 5 years.

i was also an enabler because I learned way too late that :::clears throat::: A***utistic spectrum disorders do not absolve someone from being an accountable adult. ***No, really. *Read that again and say it back to yourself. Tuck it in your back pocket for a rainy day.

Firstly, Mike's behavior at your friend's dinner was not okay. It's understandable that he has food aversions due to his autism, but insisting that salsa should be served a certain way and arguing about it to the point of causing a scene was inappropriate.

The fact that it escalated to a shouting match and he was asked to leave indicates that his behavior crossed a line nomatter which way you slice it.

It's natural to want to defend your boyfriend, especially given his autism and food aversions. However, it's also important to recognize when his actions have hurt others and contributed to a negative situation.

Ignoring or downplaying the impact of his behavior won't help resolve the underlying issue. BF needs to learn how to put a pin in it and google it when he gets home. Not every moment needs to be throwdown until he's proven right.

Your friends calling him a racist...idk if racist was the right word but (assuming you're from USA) I dislike when people Ameri-splain my own culture to me. They were right to be upset that he ruined the meal and to ask you to leave.

I hope your bf is working with a professional towards coping techniques he can use in public because if you are the only person who ever curbs his behaviour, prepare to be a lion-tamer every time the two of you go out in public or are invited to an event...until the invites dry up.