Woman destroys relationship with mother after she uncovers heinous 40 year old secret. AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman is disgusted by her mother and feels the need to go NC out of nowhere, she asks Reddit:
"I am about to destroy my relationship with my mom, which was built off of a heinous lie she kept for my dad for over 40 years?"
I(f30) recently discovered some interesting information about my mother that has forever changed how i view her.
small story time: my dad(81) met my mom(68) when my dad was 39 and my mom was 26. My dad had 2 children from a previous marriage that were just turning 19 and 17. so the age difference was already really...weird.
My mom has a sister 10 years younger than her and we will call her Dean. dean was 16 when she needed to leave her childhood home due to a pretty nasty home situation.
she came to live with my mom and my dad, whom at the time were only dating. at some point during Dean's stay with my parents which was several years), an affair occurred between Dean and my dad.
this resulted in my older sister who we can call Jay. apparently my mom had no idea Jay was my dads until Jay was almost 7 years old.
heartbroken my mom took some time to think but ultimately stayed with my dad and had me about a year later after difficult fertility issues. To this day, Dean has never seen the wrong in what she did and has tried to break my parents apart any chance that she gets.
present day: the story that is above is the story my parents have fed me and anyone else that will listen, for nearly 40 years. But i just discovered that they have been lying to me and it just keeps getting worse.
This all unfolded because i was helping my parents move and i came across an old journal. it was in a box that was going to be thrown out and i can't explain why but i just reached out and took it and started reading... why did i do that...
my mom knew my dad was having an affair long before he confessed. because Dean came and told my mom in the beginning that my dad was hitting on her and she did not like it. she felt he was too old. my mom never confronted my dad about it though. instead she called Dean Jealous.
for answers i went to a trusted aunt who was pretty present for the entire situation at that time. she said she had been waiting years for me to ask about this. the things she told me were horrible. my dad is a predator and my mom has covered it for 40 years. and she's done it by playing the victim and vilifying her baby sister.
i dont have a relationship with Dean or Jay because of what my parents told me over the years. they kept me isolated and made me feel like my sister did not want me. so much time.. if i confront my parents its over.
i know they would never speak to me again for even thinking they lied to me and for listening to my aunt. my mom and i have also gotten in a better place these past 2 years and is incredibly helpful when it comes to my daughter.
truth is, i dont know if i trust her around my daughter anymore. especially with my dad.
im disgusted by her actions in all of this. her ability to lie for so long and gaslight me anytime i got close to the truth.
I've even covered up my dads OTHER affairs over the years. claiming articles of clothing that my mom found as mine so that the peace could remain in our family.
i feel wrong for doing that but i was 13 at the time. i thought it was the right thing to do and i've felt guilt about it ever since. but now that i know my mom is actually knowledgeable about who he is and is in denial i could never look at either of them the same. sheesh.
Before we provide you with OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
doctomobvious writes: (trigger warning)
You weren’t alive in 1981(?), when your parents met. I was a junior in high school. Sexual assault wasn't talked about ever.
It happened, but the societal norm was to pretend it didn’t. If it didn’t happen directly, to you, or someone you know, it didn’t exist. There was no one to report it to, police generally refused to believe, or investigate it.
And, there was no one to help deal with it. There is so much more awareness, and intolerance for it, than back then. Victims were shamed and shunned.
Your dad is a predator, as you said. I’d bet your mom, and Dean, weren’t his first much younger targets. Especially, if your mom was a naive/inexperienced 26 year old.
He selected her, because he knew he could manipulate her. And, that she is the type to not have the strength to leave. I’m sure he groomed her for the emotional trauma, he would subject her to, later.
All this isn’t to say your mom is guiltless, in this lifetime of lies. She should have left him, as she got older. But, as we know, a lot of women in abusive relationships never leave. For whatever reason, they are emotional prisoners.
For a little perspective on the 70’s/80’s, when I was in high school (~1980), a girl who I was friends with, did the school exchange thing for a spring semester. Came back the following fall.
There were whispers that she had gotten pregnant, and parents sent her away to have the baby. But, those were just rumors and gossip, at the time.
By the next year, it was kind of unspoken knowledge that she actually had gotten pregnant, and given the baby up for adoption. But, no one ever talked about it, anymore.
She came back, partied hard, slept with a lot of guys. Basic party girl. But, it did seem kind of out of control, to me. She was different. Nearly any guy that looked her way, and wanted to, she slept with. Several of my close friends. It didn't seem like she was doing it, to have fun.
A decade later, two of her best friends explained to me that she was actually raped. Not by a stranger, but by her absolute best friend’s boyfriend. The forceable rape, type. Imagine that, getting pregnant from a rape as a sophomore in high school.
Her parents knew who did it. Her friend's parents knew. And, I think, his parents knew, too. I knew the guy, we lived near each other. He was a cocky asshole, but didn't give off the violent vibe. Then again, it's not like I would have been able to tell who's a potential rapist, back then.
No charges were ever filed. No forced counseling. Nothing. Life just went on. The girl ended up an alcoholic. Got sober several years later. But, she is still, 40 years later, an emotional mess.
That aside, I strongly recommend you find a therapist to sort out your own feelings. And, for help processing this shitstorm of betrayal and eeriness.
Then, maybe approach your mom(alone) from a position of (somewhat) understanding that she may be a victim of decades of emotional abuse. There are probably more skeletons in that closet. Maybe, have that talk with your aunt, Dean, first. To get her POV. Then, your mom.
moxipox writes:
This is such a hard situation to be in, and my heart goes out to you, OP... and to your aunt.
My suggestion is this - take the diary. Keep it. Talk to a therapist or someone similar to get a really good idea of your own thoughts and feelings (let's be honest, reddit really isn't that good a sounding board for something as big as this).
Depending what the therapist says, I would probably try to reach out to aunt first. Tell her you know about the situation, and if she's willing to talk about it, that you'd like to hear her out.
It may be that she, after all these years, just doesn't want to bring up old hurts and she may just tell you to keep it to yourself...
Depending on her response, I'd throw your thoughts and feelings on that against the therapist again, and then, only when you have a really good idea of how you actually feel, go and talk to your mother.
It could be after all this time, that she's still in denial. Grooming, sadly, has some very long lasting effects, and just because your an adult, it doesn't make you immune.
economywarthog writes:
See you and I are different, as soon as I found out I was being purposefully isolated from my extended family, that would have been a fight.
As soon as I found out about being invited to events with my family and lied to about it, that would have been a fight. As soon as I found out about the wedding debacle, that would have been a fight.
BUT as soon as I found out they hit my child and lied to my face about it, that would have been a murder. You should have started breaking legs.
Every single person From aunt to sister to parents to etc have failed you. Idc who the victim is, you have met them before and they were “waiting” for you to figure it out. No I’m backhanding her for not telling me.
You are a better person than me because I’m not reasonable and I’m not patient so I applaud you for being able to handle this like an adult and I hope you get help and support that you need. Sorry I had to let loose about that.
And now, OP's minor update:
I honestly don't know what I am feeling right now. I was never close with my dad and he was pretty abusive towards me. So my views of him being a predator are new but not surprising.
I gray rock him bc I realistically cannot cut him out completely while he's with my mom. But that was before discovering this. I put up with him bc I felt like my mom deserved someone who gave a f about her in her life.
She's been the "victim" of his "affair" for the past 40 years. And he STILL treats her like ass. Like she's been some kind of martyr my entire life by staying with him.
I'm worried in the sense that I'm confused about how life will look without my mom in my life or my daughters life. I'm scared ill regret saying that I know too. I honestly wish it was just as simply as "you fd up, see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya"
And now, OP's final, MAJOR UPDATE:
This update is for the individuals who messaged me and wanted to know how things turned out if i spoke to my mom.
unfortunately, its has gotten far worse than i could have ever imagined.
Dean confirmed that my mom knew about what my dad was doing. She came to her several times about the abuse. What I didn't know is how my dad stalked her and attempted to get her fired from EVERY job she got after she moved out so she would have to move back in.
She begged him to use protection when he would do what he did and she suspected he was tampering with them. I confirmed that he in fact was because when he gave me "the talk" he admitted to me that poking holes in condoms was something he did so they would break on purpose.
Dean also confirmed that there were countless times Jay would come home and beg her mom to adopt me because she couldn't stand leaving me with them. It broke her heart.
Dean also told me how I would have had a sibling but my dad somehow forced a miscarriage on my mom. Something my mom also confirmed last weekend. Jay told me that my mom would complain to our extended family about how misbehaved I was at home and was running away constantly.
I ran away one time from my dad choking me to the point blood vessels popped in my eyes. They never knew he choked me. My aunt Dean also said they moved me to the middle of nowhere because it was easier to control me when I had nowhere to go and I would have to build friendships over again, which they knew was hard for me. It made things easy for them though.
That's just the bare minimum. So much more has come out over the past 2 weeks alone. I've had to reevaluate everything.
Speaking with my aunt Dean was intense. I had never had a conversation with her before and i did not know what she even sounded like for 30 years. when i spoke with her we cried and she told me everything I wanted to know.
she was so thankful that i finally broke out of my parents delusion and decided to reach out. I am SO happy that I have my Aunt Dean and my sister Jay in my life now, and though 30 years were wasted, we are working on getting together next year and we text and call nearly weekly since this all happened.
the far worse part? nearly EVERYTHING my parents told me in childhood about my family was a lie to keep my isolated.
my extended family knew my parents were isolating me because they never brought me around anywhere with family, for fear that i would overhear gossip about my mom and dad. apparently i was constantly invited to my cousins birthday parties and family trips.
but what i was told growing up was that my cousins were older and didnt want their baby cousin there. with one set of cousins, i was told they never invited me to their birthday parties at all because my uncle was white passing and i was not.
he had an image to uphold with his neighbors and i was too dark... MY PARENTS TOLD ME THIS AND ALLOWED ME TO BELIEVE THIS AS A SMALL CHILD... i have since confirmed with this uncle that this was far from the truth.
he would practically beg for my mom to allow me to go to their parties because my cousins loved me and really missed me. the reason i couldn't go? because Dean and Jay were there.
I also thought for over a decade that my sister uninvited me to her wedding because she was embarrassed to share how we were related to one another.
turns out, my mom told them i did not want to go because i was mad i couldn't be in the wedding party... me and my sister were at odds for over a decade over this until just 2 nights ago.
the really hurtful part though... when i confronted my mom last weekend, we got on the topic of discipline and she admitted to hitting my developmentally delayed daughter along with my dad after i told them if they ever put their hands on her that i would put my hands on them... when i made that promise...
they both said they never had and never would. and it was convenient to lie because my daughter is for the most part non verbal. she says some phrases and is getting much better but still, we cannot rely on her to tell us what happened to her...
i lost it on her. i started dumping my childhood at her, and telling her i knew about the lies she told, how i dont know who the f they are and they are never allowed around my daughter again. Im mortified i allowed my daughter to be with them.
i know they were lying but i wasn't trusting my gut and i'm very dissapointed in myself as a mom right now. shame on her and shame on him.
after all i had to say, her only response was that her siblings had "done a number on me and want me to hate my own father." i asked her "are you not ashamed of who the f you are?" she said "im only ashamed i didn't hide it better..."
yall... i found out last weekend, i never had parents. i lived with abusive strangers my entire childhood (and yes abusive, its too much to put into this post, but when i share my childhood it has brought even my therapist to tears).
i wanted to trust that they would never do that to my daughter, but i was so so so so so so wrong and i have to live with that... not the update i was hoping to give, but the silver lining is i now have a family who has brought me and my daughter in with open arms and warmth.
I will forever be grateful for learning this really difficult truth. stay safe out there, you never really know anyone...
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's story:
ferrousfellow writes:
there is SO MUCH GRIEF that comes with being on this side of the delusion veil. I'm so sorry you're going through all this but I'm beyond glad you have extended family who has wanted to see you with open arms to greet you here.
please continue to be kind to yourself as it's easy to replay so much violence and abuse you've endured in trying to understand the whys and whats that will never make any real sense. it never will. because if it did, they wouldn't have done that to you.
foundationvic writes:
You have been a victim, you have nothing to blame yourself about! As soon as you realised you took action, this internet stranger is so happy you now have a proper family. It’s a lovely thing that they are there for you. Bless you and your daughter and your (real) family.
nyanvi writes:
I'm so sorry, OP. Cutting of shitty parents isn't easy. I have been NC with my shitty parent for years.
And I just found out some painful truths about the parent I thought was the good one. So might be going down that road as well...
But the peace you get from cutting of tocic people is sooo worth it. You have a lot of willpower OP to not attack your parents for abusing your daughter. But then that would have risked you getting into legal trouble and them having access to her.
Copy the diary, keep physical and electronic copies. You will probably need it for legal reasons, abusers don't let their victims go easily, and your daughter is how they will likely strike.