Woman devastated that 'best friend' didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid; 'Is this because I'm autistic?' AITA?

"AITA for being upset that my "best friend" didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid?"

My "best friend" got engaged and I was the first person she told and the person she shares all her secrets, news etc with no matter what it is.

Months later she was hosting a BBQ, the night before she text me to say she was "announcing" her bridesmaids at the BBQ and she wanted me to know (at this point I believed her bridesmaids were her cousins like she always said would be the case).

She also still wanted me to go wedding dress shopping, help her plan the wedding etc. I of course told her I was happy for her and would love to. At the BBQ then appears personalised boxes for 3 of her friends and 2 cousins asking them to be bridesmaids.

I had several people at the BBQ ask me "shouldnt you be over there?" Or "aren't you one of the bridesmaids?" Including people id never met before. I wondered if maybe she thought we'd drifted since I had my kids and I hadn't been seeing her as much so I didn't say anything.

A few months later she finally fell pregnant and I was the very first person she told. Not her mum, her partner, her maid of honour, none of them.

Another couple of months pass and I ask her the reason as I just can't wrap my head around it. The only reason I can think is because I stand out (blue hair, piercings, tattoos) and her and her other friends are "girly girls". She was not happy. Am I the asshole for asking for an explanation?

Edit - I asked her via message as I tried in person and got scared as she can get aggressive and im bad with confrontation. I also have Autism Spectrum Disorder which she always said she appreciated in our friendship as she liked that I would "tell it to her straight. But TBH now i'm feeling like she doesn't want me because I'm autistic.

Let's see what readers thought:

falseres writes:

NTA for wanting to know why you weren’t asked to be a bridesmaid. It makes sense to feel hurt and confused, particularly since you’ve been close friends through big moments like her getting engaged and pregnant.

Asking for an explanation was just about wanting clarity in your friendship, and it’s normal to feel that way. Even if she didn’t take it well, your feelings are valid.

OP responds:

Thank you. She literally told me my feelings were invalid and I was being childish. Our friendship hasn't been the same since and I still can't stop thinking about it which is mental. We're definitely not "best friends" anymore and I don't think i want to be

hollyty writes:

Ok I'm going against the grain here but YTA. It's her wedding so you need to get over yourself. It's hard to hear but ultimately this is her day. That said, she probably doesn't want you to stand out, and again, that is her valid choice. Sorry!

OP responds:

She didnt really give me an answer. Just got angry and had no right to ask her and she didn't have to explain anything because it was her decision. I didn't want to ask her but it had also been months and I couldn't wrap my head round it so felt I needed to try and get an answer

nationaluer writes:

NTA, would be a perfectly reasonable thing to ask if you’re as close as you’re saying. How’d you ask though? Maybe that was what upset her?

OP responds:

She always referred to me as her "person" and relied on me for any and every kind of support. I asked via message which isn't ideal but I had tried in person and kept chickening out. She can be quite aggressive and I'm not very good with confrontation.

tahaefou writes:

ESH. She's TA for being fake with you. YTA for trying to step on her wedding plans. If you get married you'll understand. You can't please everyone.

walruslane writes:

NTA she’s not your friend. You’re her friend only for when she wants or needs something and if you really think about it, how much is she actually there for you when you need the same?.

I don’t see my old best friend anymore. She was my bridesmaid, we saw her multiple times a week for a decade and when she got proposed to, she sat with me talked about the dress I’d wear & the planning, her wants, style etc but in the end she chose her adult sisters in law, who she’d never really liked.

She ended up organising her own Hen weekend because they didn’t have time. I never asked why she changed her mind. It was her wedding her choice. Didn’t stop her moaning at me about it though.

Our friendship limped by for another 5/6 years or so but my blinkers were well and truly off about our friendship that in the end (plus lots of other life events that added complications to both our lives) I just backed off.

She put me in contact with some groups that were helpful when I had an extremely complicated pregnancy but I realised in these groups that she was really active, totally preventing her from healing from her own experiences.

It all became her identity & I realised then that she just wasn’t the person for me anymore and stopped contact. I’m not sure she even noticed, but I’m genuinely far happier x