Woman devastated when she learns why her fiancé is with her; 'This was a diabolical plan all along.' AITA? UPDATED 3XX
When this woman is devastated to learn that her fiancé had diabolical reasons for marrying her, she asks the internet:
"I (F25) found out my fiance (M27) is with me for money/family business. AITA?"
To preface. My family owns a business that is very well known in our sector and makes loads of profit. Thus I am a trustfund baby.
I try to not be spoiled and have always worked myself. I met my fiance Mark when I was 20 and working as a waitress.
We began dating a few months later and he proposed to me last year. Now Mark is not poor. He is upper middle class. And while he doesn't struggle in life he didn't have to much to spend and lived very frugal.
I thought he was an honest man because he always wanted to pay for his own things, reject expensive family holidays when we were still dating and he would cook for me instead of going with me dining outside.
What I want to say is that I never had the impression that Mark was trying to take advantage of me or my family.
In the beginning my family was a little sketched out and brought up the "gold digger" argument and I stood up for him and fought with my dad. They came to love and accept him. When Mark graduated Dad hired him and now he is in a high earning position.
Sunday I was supossed to work in the evening and I was going to stay with my sister. But I got a fever and was basically just non functioning so I stayed home.
Instead of staying in our bedroom I made my way to the guestroom that is better ventilated, has a mini fridge and it's own bathroom (I didn't want to stand up at all and walk arround so I just bunkered all my stuff there and closed the door).
Mark came home when I was fast asleep and I was woken up by loud voices in our garden. I pushed the curtains a bit to the side and mark Was there with a few friends. Just as I wanted to say hello I noticed that they were talking about me.
His friend kept laughing and calling Mark "the man!". Then they started laughing about me being willing to not sign a prenub.
Then one of the girls that was there said something along the lines of "Jesus you about to make some bank mark!". Mark laughed and said "yeah just 3 more years and I am free".
At this moment I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up. I kept hearing them calling me trustfund Barbie and stupid and so on.
I didn't know what to do so I just lied petrified in my bed and waited till the people left and mark went to bed. I texted my sister and snuck out to her place in the middle of the night and just passed out without telling her anything.
I haven't returned home and just told Mark that I was sick and didn't want to make him sick. My sister has been really worried but I just feel so ashamed about everything. My family was right mark is a gold digger and I fell for it.
Even if I tell my family what happened I have no proof. My father can't fire him just because he is an AH.
As far as I know he is excellent at what he does and he has no legal foot to fire him I think. I just feel so confused ashamed and angry and would appriceate some insight.
Edit: we are non US. Mark wasnt talking about anything else. He has no debt as he partly was under a scholarship and with part of it I helped pay it off. There is no way he wasn't talking about me.
Edit 2: thank you all for your great advice. I opened up to my sister about it and she is right now with me reading all your responses. We have called up dad and I will talk to him tommorow. I will be signing out for the time being thanks again. Edit 3: some questions have come up.
I don't drive that's why my fiance didn't see my car. I mostly uber around. I worked as a waitress for the experience not for the money and I don't any longer.
I don't work for my father I am a company shareholder and I have to go to the general Quartal meetings but I don't work for him.
I am sure that it wasn't a fever dream. It was around 38.5c and while it was enough for my body to hurt it wasn't enough to have a vivid dream. By pass out at my sisters o don'team literall medically passing out.
Last edit : I am really tired that you guys are defending him saying that it could have been a joke. Guess what. It's not fg funny. You don't degrade and disrespect your partner for laughs.
You don't go along calling them stupid, trustfund barbie, stupid b and you definitely don't make remarks yourself.
I don't understand that macho bravado as many of you have called it, but I don't think that's okay so stop with those comments. It was deeply hurtful.
breveemagic writes:
Hey, please don't be so hard on yourself. You have ZERO reason to feel ashamed, the one feeling ashamed should be Mark. He gave you no reason to doubt him but managed to finally slip up his facade.
He slipped up before the wedding though so you have options, you also have the upper hand because he is none the wiser you know. Girl, you have all the power here.
The man who should be marrying you should stand up to his friends when they say disgusting things like that, instead he laughed along with them and AGREED. I know you're feeling embarrassed and confused...
but I highly suggest talking to your father (if you have a good relationship with him) or a lawyer about this because you need to protect yourself first and foremost.
Mark has shown you that he's not protecting you, he's protecting himself and trying to set himself up years down the line.
I know you're worried you may be judged, but girl you've got to throw that out the window right now and go into survival mode, you need support and you need advice from professionals who can help you find the best course of action given the amount of money at stake here.
This money could be your potential child's (if you want them someday) money he is trying to weasel away with.
hahaht writes:
First, I’m sorry you found out like this, but silver lining you found out before you married him. I think you need to do some planning before anything. Assuming you don’t want to stay with the guy (heartbreaking but understanding) you need to talk to your parents and get a lawyer involved.
Berne Brown is an excellent author who is an expert on dealing with shame and owning up to your vulnerabilities. She’s on netflix, ted, audiobooks etc. If you have limited time to read.
Tell your sister first so you have someone in your corner. Let dad decide if he’s going to fire him. He can still work for him, but your dad might not treat him the same.
Without confronting him, act normal and if you don’t want to get physical, just tell him you don’t feel good. Start to untangle your finances - I’m not sure what kind of banking options you have but I would get a list of all your accounts together.
This includes loans you are both on. Contact the bank and let them know you are in a situation and need to remove yourself from these accounts which may include moving a reasonable amount of funds. Only take the money you think is yours. Have them do this on a particular day set aside to confront him.
Is the home you share yours? In this case after he goes to work on D day have movers come in and pack up anything that is his and put it in a moving truck. Get the locks changed.
Not sure of your laws, you can’t technically kick someone out legally in the US. But if he has nothing left of his, he’s less inclined to stay. Check what your local laws are.
When he gets home have a note tapped to the door explaining everything with the truck key. Place your engagement ring in a box on the seat of the truck. Block his number. Go to your families home.
He’s going to be pissed so expect that. He will try to gaslight you. If he was able to scam your whole family then his manipulating powers are strong.
IF you do decided you want to stay with him he absolutely, no matter what, needs to sign a prenup that leaves him nothing under 10 years of marriage if you divorce or if there is a questionable death. Sociopaths have murdered for less.
fuatssss writes:
I’m in a similar position to Mark. My wife and her family are quite wealthy. We’ve been married 8 years and have three children and I work to support us(not for her family, they’re retired) while my wife is a stay at home mom.
We never had a prenuptial agreement, but the way her assets have been structured, I have no claim over any of them save what they accrue in interest(U.S.)
I’m glad that this is the case. I know prenuptial agreements may seem like they rob a relationship of trust and romance, but really, it’s just a clearly communicated expectation.
A good relationship and especially marriage are built on a foundation of good communication. Ignorance can double as mystery and seem like a good thing in some cases. However, when it comes to finances, it is the kiss of death.
Anyone who balks at a prenup is automatically suspicious as fuck in my eyes, because it only applies if you get divorced.
That is to say, refusing one is basically saying, “I deserve part of your money I did nothing to earn because I put up with your shit for two years” or however long it takes in your part of the world. How’s that for romantic?
I plan to be married to my wife until one of us dies. That IS kinda the idea, after all. If I succeed in that, I’ll benefit from whatever money she has while I’m alive. I’ll probably retire early when her parents pass away and more of their money becomes properly hers. If we do divorce?
I’ll have whatever pitiful sum is in my 401k and likely work until I die. I’m okay with that. I was born poor and I can die poor. I did nothing to earn her money, and if I lose it because I’m not worthy of her, so be it.
It seems to me you’ve got two options here. Leave him and have your dad navigate separating him from the business however it makes sense legally in your country.
Or, make him sign a prenup, if he will. It could be that greed got the better of him in the moment and that he can be reasoned with. It’s also possible that he’s just shown you his true colors, in which case even with a prenup...
you may face legal challenges every step of the way if divorce happens. I might have a jaded view of the justice system(being from the U.S.) but it seems as though very few things are legally ironclad anymore.
Only you and your family know what’s best, given your country’s legal particulars and your personal knowledge of the kind of man Mark may be. Judging from the conversation you overheard, it may be best to take the safe road and run screaming.
If you do, ask him for a prenup first, just to see his reaction. That’ll probably tell you all you need to know.
And now, OP's updates:
OP's 1st update:
First of all I want to clarify some questions that came up in the OP: mark couldn't have seen my car and known I was home because I don't have a car. I don't drive I uber arround. Driving makes me anxious and I only do it when necessary.
I don't work as a waitress anymore. I worked for the time I was in uni. Mark wasn't hired as a high exec right away. He didn't take the job from anyone. He started as a normal intern and worked his way up.
they weren't joking. They have never made that kind of remarks in my presence. Also I doubt calling me a "stupid trustfund barbie" qualifies as a joke.
OP's 2nd update:
I was very tempted to play the long game and lead him on. But I decided to just present him with a prenup to look into his reaction.
After telling my dad, we invited Mark for lunch and would serve him the prenup there. However to be sure about things I asked him if he had had anyone over, because our neighbors had complained about lound noises.
He said yes that his buddies were there. He didn't mention the girls that I saw.
We finished lunch and dad served him the papers saying that it was a must for getting married.
You could instantly see that he didn't expect this. He got angry and asked me to speak to him alone. We went into the other room and he began babbling about blindsiding him and that this just really felt like a personal attack.
He was trying so hard to sell me the roll of victim and making me out to be the villain. Then he just said that he needed to think everything trough and left.
I have to admit I kinda broke down and began second guessing me but I could keep it together.
My family happily didn't pull the "I told you so"s. We looked into everything and I have the legal right to evict him.
The lawyer handled everything. Wrote an official eviction notice. And after a lot of talk, dad decided to present Mark with a deal so that he would leave the company.
After that was all sorted out I decided to just simply text(as one of you suggested) "Hey Mark, trustfund barbie here. As you said you would be free in 3 years I'll do you a big favor and set you free now. Kisses. Op"
My phone completely BLEW UP with marks messages after I send that. He texted and called me so many times I had to switch off my phone.
He came to my sister's place as he wanted to explain the situation. He promised that it was just a joke like a million times. I said it wasn't cutting it. They disrespected me in my own house, and I didn't want to be with somone that puts me down In order to appear better.
He pleaded her cried he begged me not to end things. When. I wasn't budging he got mad at me accusing me of spying on him and ruining his life (honestly idk).
Then his manor changed once again to apologetic. He eventually owned up to the comment he made, still insisting that it was just a shitty joke.
And then when I asked him why he didn't tell me about those random girls that appeared to know so much about me, he told me this weird story of them being...
cousins from on of his buddies and that they know of me because of my Instagram (shits private and I have like 30 followers).
I stood strong and I ended things with him. I will never know what exactly his plan was, but it's better to have things this way. We still have to sort out some financial stuff but after that I won't ever see mark again. Sorry for any mistakes I am really sleepy. Just thought it would be good to update you.
OP's 3rd update:
Obviously the lawyer didn't draft a prenup from 0 in half an hour. I do have siblings I do have cousins and some of them are engaged /married thus we have allready established prenups to go.
Also we didn't need a bullet proof prenup for this. I just wanted to see his reaction. Serving him with a boilerplate prenup would have served the same purpose.
Also no I didn't ruin his life. He will not be fired. He will not be badmouthed in any kind of way. He has still all the opportunities in the world to succeed.
I thought I made it clear that I gave him notice for eviction. Meaning he had days to leave the property. That's why I am staying with my sister. It's not a done deal it's still in porgess but the biggest steps have been made. Jesus people.