Woman discards old photos of husband with his late wife; 'How do I fix this?!' STEPDAUGHTER says; 'I know what you did.' UPDATED 2X OVER 6 YEARS

When this woman feels she may have messed up, she asks the internet:

"I (F35) threw away old photos of my husband (M44) with his late wife years ago. Any advice?"

This is a throwaway, as I do not want this connected to my main reddit account for reasons that will become apparent, if they aren’t already are.

I met my husband 4 years ago, and it was love at first sight. He was a widow and had a daughter (now 17). It was tough to deal with, I won’t lie, but I wanted to be with him so badly that it didn’t matter. We got married two years ago and we’ve had our struggles, I won’t deny, but overall, it has been a very happy, love filled marriage.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was really jealous of his late wife. He had pictures of her around his home, his family loved her and talked about her, his daughter he same thing, his friends the same. It was tough.I was comparing myself to her - she was beautiful, intelligent, successful.

She was a great mother, friend, wife, whatever you can think of. I know that people don’t like to speak ill of the dead, but I believe them when they say these things. I did speak to my then-boyfriend about these feelings, and he even took down some of the pictures later in our relationship. Still, his house never felt like my home as it felt like it was still hers.

When we got engaged, we decided we would buy our own home and we moved in right before we got married. Side note: this was very stressful with the wedding so soon after, would not recommend.

During the moving process, I found box after box of old photos and other materials. Photos of his ex, family photos, photos of them together, baby photos, everything. Some of these were polaroids they were so old. They had been together for many, many years and had so much history together.

I don’t know why at that moment I snapped, but I did. I threw the ones with her away. When we were putting photos up in the new house, I didn’t put any of her except one with my stepdaughter.

There was a box of her things and I donated some of the items and threw the rest away. I even went onto the computer and deleted photos he had stored on there. At the time, I felt like I won maybe? I don’t even know what I was thinking this would accomplish, but I did it.

For the past 2 years, my husband hasn’t noticed. My stepdaughter turns 18 soon. She’s a very intelligent girl. She graduated early, goes to a top-tier school, and is very well-adjusted for someone who lost her mother so young.

We have never been that close. I care for her, I do, but she never opened up to me and has never viewed me as a mom to her. I understand, but it hurts.

Anyway, my husband’s mom wanted photos of her as she was putting something together for her. He went to look for them and as you can imagine, they weren’t there. He asked me about them, and I admitted everything to him, as I wasn’t going to lie to him.

He is very angry at me, and can barely look at me. I’ve asked him to go to marriage counseling, but he refuses. I’m 13 weeks pregnant and am trying to manage the stress. He’s devastated, not just for his daughter, but for himself. I know he loved his late wife very much, and if she was still here, he’d probably still be with her.

He’s been in tears half the time when he’s speaking to me and won’t sleep in the same room as me. I have tried to explain that I have felt guilty ever since and why I did it, but he doesn’t care. He asked me what he’s supposed to tell his daughter? Some of the materials I donated/threw away were really important.

I know that I screwed up. I know that I need to make this up to my husband AND his daughter, but I don’t know how to. This was such a monumental screw up on my part. I have always been jealous of her and I did not handle my emotions correctly.

I have tried to track down photos of her by other people, and while I did find some from his parents and her friends, her parents died when she was young and she was raised by her grandparents who are now dead. There aren’t many out there.

Reddit, I love my husband and I want to fix this more than anything. I know that I am hormonal right now and my mind is wandering around to every outcome that could happen, but what if this is the end of my marriage? I can’t let that happen and I need to fix this.

TLDR: Around 2 years ago I threw away photos of my husband’s late wife. He found out and now can’t stand to be around me and is so sad. How can I fix this? What can I do? I screwed up. I need help.

And now, OP's update (with comments an responses from OP):

OOP: I will not try to justify it to him at all. I know it is indefensible. He's never done anything to make me feel like he didn't love me. My mom asked me years ago if I was okay with this as she didn't think I was. She was right, but I loved my husband so much already that it didn't matter to me.

I have struggled with being impulsive before, but it's never been this bad.

saythereshope: "At the time, I felt like I won maybe?" SHE'S DEAD. Of course you won.

What you did was so beyond wrong, it was inexcusable. It was evil. Not just to him, but you threw away photos of your step-daughter's mother. Because you felt you were somehow in competition with her?

This is unfixable. If your marriage ends because of this, it will be because you made a horrible choice. All you can do is pray your husband forgives you.

Get into counseling immediately. What you did was so ugly you need to figure out what the hell is wrong with you that you would do something like that to somebody you claim to love.

OOP: I know that she's dead. I have always been jealous of her and it was all in my own head. I was very insecure because I know that if she was here, we wouldn't be together and it drove me crazy. It wasn't right and I should speak to someone alone about it.

Update 6 years later (from stepdaughter of OP):

My (23F) late mom died over 10 years ago and over 9 years ago, my dad (49M) remarried my step-mother.

My step-mother and I never were close. I missed my mom like crazy and would try to talk to step-mother about her but she didn’t seem interested. Every time my mother was mentioned, she’d stop engaging in conversation and just go on her phone or walk away.

When I was 17, my grandmother had told me that she was creating something special for my 18th birthday. I asked for a hint and she said it had to do with someone I missed a lot. That night I cried a lot. I knew she was going to create something to do with my mother.

A while after that, my dad called me. He said he had bad news, while sniffling. He said that my step-mother threw away all my mom’s possessions. Not one thing was left. Not even sentimental items. I started crying and my dad comforted me over the call and then started crying with me.

I know you aren’t supposed to make major decisions when you are emotional because it can lead to reckless behavior. But, I was so mad and sad that I decided to drive to my dad's house.

My grandmother opened the door but I just walked past her. I went straight to my step-mother. I started yelling at her, calling her something along the lines of jealous, vindictive. B&ch.

I said a lot of vile words. I told her I never wanted to talk to her again. She tried to apologize but I just blocked out everything she was saying. I ignored what everyone was saying and just left.

Since then, my half-brother was born. I have nothing against him but I barely visit him. My dad didn’t immediately forgive my step-mom. He stayed for half-brother and after 3 years of the couple's counseling and therapy, he forgave her although their relationship was never the same.

Some family members have told me I’m being dramatic. They told me to get over it. It’s been five years. It doesn’t matter how many years it will be since she did that. Five since I knew and seven since she did that but I will never forgive her. No amount of apologies will bring back those stuff. Those memories.