Woman discovers all the dirty details of dad's affair with 'Stacey;' 'She's ready to destroy us all.' AITA? MAJOR SHOCKING UPDATES.
When this woman discovers that her dad is having an affair and doesn't know how to move forward, she asks Reddit:
"My dad is having an affair. This story is insane. I don't know what to do. AITA?"
I never post on Reddit and I’m also on mobile so sorry if formatting is ugly. Today I experienced the definition of f around and find out. Some back story:
Almost a year ago my family experienced the loss of my grandpa, my dad’s father. It was sudden and it struck my father really hard. He started having more emotional outbursts, being more reclusive, etc.. and we tried our best to be understanding and help him in anyway he needed.
He found himself a therapist and seemed to be working through a lot of his feelings and thoughts. He still wasn’t acting entirely like the him we once knew but death affects everyone differently and this made his behaviour easy to excuse.
My dad and I don’t live in the same city and so we often meet up at half way points for lunch. We have always been close so it’s common place for us to talk about our feelings, emotions and recent life events with each other.
Now the story: During our first lunch since my grandpas passing I noticed my dad talking a LOT about this new girl at his work. We will call her Stacy. He said that Stacy was helping him a lot of his trauma and being there for him.
Stacy’s husband had been through some similar traumas that my dad had experienced and that was being brought up in therapy so he said she offered him support. He really felt he could be himself around her.
He made it abundantly clear that he did not feel he could be himself around his wife of 20 years (my mom) but that he could with Stacy.
I thought this was an odd comment to make and I think This is where my suspicions of their real intentions began but I knew he was struggling it made me feel relieved that he had someone he trusted.
It struck me a little weird that she was 29 but again, sometimes workplaces can create weird and unexpected friendships and with me being 26 I wondered if maybe he saw her as another daughter since I wasn’t able to be around much due to distance.
He assured me that Stacy was married to a man named Andrew. They were strictly friends. But in his own words, people from his work had started to think something was “going on” between them so they had stopped talking at work and had moved to texting.
He even went so far as to later in the conversation say that he thinks “a strong marriage should be able to survive someone cheating.” I assured him that that wasn’t healthy and that I’m not sure what kind of relationship he wanted with his wife but I did not want a relationship founded on infidelity.
Obviously my alarm bells were going off. With what little information I had on Stacy I went and found her online. I stalked her and just like my dad said, she was seemingly in a young happy marriage with Andrew.
She kept her social media pretty private but from what I could see she looked like your average 29 year old woman. I couldn’t possibly imagine what she would want with my dad and if anything I thought maybe my dad had a work crush that he was reading too much into. No one wants to think that their dad could be capable of a full blown affair.
Over the next few visits with my dad I would hear him continually talk about Stacy when telling stories about work or talking about his friends. She ALWAYS seemed to come up.
I couldn’t help but notice that he would avoid calling her by name She would just be “she” or “her” or “girl from work”. It’s as if he completely forgot the things he had told me about her.
Or as if he was afraid to say her name around me. Infidelity is never mentioned again but he is always talking about how he’s fighting with my mom (Lily). How as he goes through therapy “she might not like the man he’s becoming”.
He tells me how he’s “standing his ground” and getting into verbal arguments with her. I imagine this is self sabotage due to his guilt because of the cheating. It was bordering on obsession.
Fast forward to today, about a year since I first heard about Stacy. I went on my laptop (which I do not use often). I opened Instagram and I realized I still had my dad’s log in credentials saved on my computer from a one off back in 2016.
My dad is and always has been sketchy with his passwords so I assumed that likely it wouldn’t work but I tried the log in anyways. To my surprise, I was in. I won’t even pretend like I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for or like I’m above looking through his DM’s. This is also where I fucked around and found out.
I opened their DMs which were pretty bleak at first. I thought that I could rest my suspicions (more like hoped) until I couldn’t. It started out with sending corny photos to each other.
Things about “you can kiss me whenever you want, I’m yours” and “your arms feel like home and I’m homesick”. Really juvenile weird shit. Things I wouldn’t send to a coworker if you paid me.
Still in denial I kept scrolling and that when I saw it. Nudes (from her only THANK GOD), full blown sexting conversations, conversations about their existing partners and the potential of leaving them for each other, I love yous, conversations with their plans to sleep together for the first time, etc etc etc, you get the picture.
All of my suspicions laid out in front of me. He was willing to risk it all for a married woman three years older than his daughter. He was willing to hurt the woman he had supposedly loved for 20 years, destroy his family, destroy Stacy’s family for WHAT? Absolute fg selfishness.
The worst part for me was that they actively talk about their existing partners in this chat. Stacy is always making fun of my mom, “does Lily wear lacy bras for you?” “Does Lily let you go down on her with her BUSH, lol”.
As if Stacey couldn’t become more a disgusting human, as if she’s not already sleeping with a married 53 year old father of two, she has to degrade his wife. An innocent victim in this situation.
They assure each other that they love their current partners so much that “it hurts” and they don’t understand how they can have the capacity to love two people at the same time. Is disgusting and childish.
I don’t know how this ends. They still work together and closely together. I cannot bring myself to tell my mom. I don’t want my dad to know I know. I don’t want him to feel backed into a corner like he has to tell my mom. I want him to tell my mom because he knows it’s the right thing to do.
I have looked up to my dad my whole life and I feel like the whole view I have had of him as this selfless, loving, caring family man has been shattered. I’m so disappointed in his actions. And I don’t know what to do. It’s eating away at me.
TLDR; my dad is having an affair with a 29 year old married woman from work and i found their DMs outlining their sex-capades. I can’t bring myself to tell my mom/his wife of 20 years. But things are about to blow up. I don't know what to do.
I was told it would be beneficial to add that my parents do have a kid who is a minor who lives with them.
I have not known about this affair the entire time. I found out about it on Thursday so please stop saying that I’m intentionally holding this secret for my father. My parents share an email account and I will not see my mom in person until probably Christmas.
Before we give you OP's update, where she TELLS HER MOM, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
peterlemur writes:
It’s a no-win situation for you. I had a similar experience but it was my wife who had been cheating. I trusted her and him (we were all grad students so they frequently studied together) but I shouldn’t have.
Anyhow after it blew up in an unexpected way, I was left picking up the pieces. Close friends all knew what I was blind to, and when I asked them why they didn’t tell me each one said they didn’t want to hurt me and have me blame them. That was a surprise to me but it made sense.
If you tell your mother, you may open yourself up to irrational blame. If you tell your father, he will simply deny it and blame you. Better to let your mother “uncover” the affair herself somehow without anything pointing back to you. It’s a terribly painful experience and I wish you all the best.
mercedesgalwife writes:
You are in a very awful position. You need to let your mom know somehow. Do you know they’ve had sex already? Not that it’s not cheating already. It is by exchanging nudes and such. My recommendation is to maybe tell your dad that you know and that he needs to come clean to your mom.
I’ve been thru this. I was the selfish asshole husband who cheated with a much younger woman. It’s fairly similar to what happened witb your dad. My AP was not married though.
She was 25 at the time and I was early 40s so very similar overall. It took years to repair my marriage and to repair the relationships with my daughters. But the truth was what saved our marriage and our family. He should have absolutely not bad mouthed your mother or allowed her to do that. That is awful too.
As a father, I was devastated the hurt I caused my daughters and of course my wife. One just about hated me for many years. It is possible to repair things. It’s up to your father to see if he will do the right thing and whether your mother can forgive him. Some women cannot forgive this. I’d suggest taking screenshots to keep as proof.
If you have a good relationship with your dad I’d suggest talking to him privately. Hear him out. That way maybe he won’t feel backed in a corner. Then discuss what needs to happen next. Your mother needs to know. And it shouldn’t fall onto you to do that.
For me, I was fully honest with my wife. I confessed on my own. I gave her all the texts with my AP. She say everything. I then spoke to my daughters and answered any questions they had. Of course there are boundaries there but I was honest with them and provided details as appropriate.
If things work out, it’ll be a multi year process. We were in therapy for years. Our marriage is extremely good now. We are close. It’s been about 7-10 years since my affair. It is possible to recover from infidelity but it’s a long long long painful process. For the whole family.
My relationship with my daughters was and is so important to me. I needed their forgiveness as much as I needed my wife’s forgiveness. I’m sorry you’re going thru this. It’s a very painful road ahead no matter what.
cicadasecret writes:
Nah, maybe your mom just doesn’t make him feel the way Stacy does. Maybe after 20 years of settling and doing what’s right it feels good to be cared for in ways he lacks.
People forget how to love each other because they get use to routines, then someone comes along and breaks that routine and it’s new and exciting and sometimes it comes with all the love and affection that has lacked at home.
Your dad may just be a man enjoying the love he has not gotten, sex he possibly hasn’t gotten, affection and so on. So yea he may have been married for 20 years but does that mean he’s been fulfilled and loved appropriately for his satisfaction.
As the child of the parents involved you’ll never know everything but don’t assume your mom is innocent and don’t assume your dad is just being a jerk. When shit like this happens it’s always more to the story regardless if anyone likes the story.
affectionatewheel writes:
If my daughter knew that, my husband was having an affair with a very young woman, and did not tell me, I would consider the betrayal. It would probably result in me cutting off contact with her at least for a time. I wouldn’t understand the thinking and it would seem she was standing up for her father.
My point you should never ever protect a cheater. Unless your parents are very wealthy, and their wealth spread out the truth of the matter is if they divorce or he leaves your mother for the other woman which actually could happen.
It is your mother that’s going to be suffering. At least if she had some notice or things were more and her control, she might be able to get a handle on it. If that doesn’t apply to you, then good for her, but I would still considered a egregious betrayal.
smashingcrashing writes:
I’ve lived through something similar, maybe my story can help you figure out your next step. My dad cheated on my mom a couple times when I was a teenager, it was bad but they worked through it.
Fast forward to my early 30s, my mom was suspicious that he was lying about a trip he was taking. I hacked his FB and found out he had a girlfriend 2 states away and that’s where he was going, not camping like he said.
This girlfriend knew all about my mom too. To make it worse, my dad lived off my mom for years because he was ‘disabled’ and was using her income to fund his road trip.
My parents divorced after 34 years. My mom married a friend of hers and is happy. She said she wishes they had divorced after the first affair. My dad still lives off his girlfriends and continues to cheat.
Your dad doesn’t respect your mom enough to work out whatever issues they may have, leave her, or simply not cheat. Even worse, he has the audacity to make fun of her with his affair partner. That’s low.
Your mom deserves to know the truth; she deserves the opportunity to make a decision for herself and her future. Not to mention for her health, there’s always the possibility of him giving her an STD.
I won’t lie, blowing up my dad’s life was hard and affected our relationship a bit but I would do it again. My only regret is that I didn’t tell my mom that I suspected his infidelity the whole time.
Before you do anything, make sure you have screenshots. You can approach him with an ultimatum to tell her or you will; or go straight to her depending on your family dynamics. I really really encourage you to find a way.
And now, OP's first MAJOR UPDATE (after she tells her mom):
So, I finally called my mom. Her and my dad had spent the day together at their cottage so I waited until they were home and then asked if she could go somewhere alone so we could talk on the phone.
Her reaction was nothing like I imagined. She sounded like she already knew. Her reaction also made me feel like this wasn’t the first time this has happened. She laughed and asked me what I “thought I saw”.
She blamed herself and said that she “doesn’t meet my dad’s needs.” I explained to her that that’s not fair and that she doesn’t deserve to be lied to and cheated on and put at risk for STDs.
I said the way they spoke about my mom in the chat was disgusting and that this was wrong. She asked to see the screenshots so I sent them to her. She kept reassuring me that her and my dad were in it for the long haul and wouldn’t divorce. I told her I didn’t care about that. I said no matter her decision I supported her either way.
Even though it wasn’t what I was anticipating I felt relieved. I felt like a weight had been lifted. She thanked me for telling her and said that I would always be her sweet girl. Everything seemed to be going well until she spoke to/confronted my dad and called me back.
I don’t know what happened with the conversation between her and my dad but it’s clear that he is a master manipulator and not at all the person I thought he was prior to all this. My mom’s tone had completely shifted on the phone. She was scolding me?
He confirmed the affair, he confirmed everything I had said and brought forward to her. Somehow they’re blaming me. They’re telling me I’m wrong. My mom told me that she’s read all the screenshots I sent but had nothing to say about them.
They’re staying together and in her words this is just “a bump in the road. They’ve had highs and lows and they’ll have lows again.” I said I would support her either way so I can’t be mad but I can’t help at be sad at how low she thinks of herself to accept this behaviour. “I love your dad and he loves me.” What a horrible message to send to your child.
She told me that guilt does bad things to people and that she thinks I got myself worked up over “nothing”. She told me if was wrong of me to look at his Instagram messages and that it was a breach of trust.
Ironic considering my dad committed the biggest breach of trust there is in a marriage. I also never would have looked at his messages had he not planted this seed of infidelity in my brain.
She explained my dad is VERY angry with me and she doesn’t know if our relationship is repairable. I assumed my dad would be mad at me of course but for my mom to seemingly side with him and turn her back on me too is almost too much to take.
I know she’s being manipulated but this is where it ends I guess. I can’t stand to look at either of them. I feel like I was just orphaned. I can’t fight a fight someone doesn’t want me to on their behalf.
Deep down I know I’m not to blame for this, don’t get me wrong. But it’s really hard to not feel awful when your parents, whom you’ve trusted, turn their back on you. I do feel like I did right by myself in telling my mom the truth but I can’t help but think that everything would have been easier if I never said anything.
My dad still follows Stacey, he has blocked me and my fiancée on all social media platforms. He’s quite literally showing that he chooses his AP over his daughter. I know he’s reacting out of embarrassment and anger but I’ve blocked him in return. He doesn’t get to choose when he comes back into my life. All of this hurts a lot.
TLDR; I told my mom, she sounded like she expected this. She confronted my dad. My dad confirmed the affairs. They’re staying together and blaming me somehow.
Then OP follows up with another lengthy update:
Hey! I actually do have a small update if anyone is interested. Sorry, I don’t check this Reddit account often.
My fiancee and I are still engaged and don’t have a set wedding date. When we do get married it’ll be either a small court house or an elopement with my family not involved at all.
In regard to my dad. Short answer? Nope, still an absolute idiot. Long version goes as such:
I’ve been working with a therapist to figure out what I really want to come of all this and how I can proceed with or without my family. I initially settled on NC with my dad and LC with my mom.
After some thinking I decided that I wanted to have my dad in my life and rebuild at least an amicable relationship with him. I understand that that may not be what everyone would choose but I really couldn’t imagine my big life events and my future without my dad.
I reached out to my mom via text and asked her if she believed my dad was still too angry with me to talk. She urged me to not reach out and asked me to continue leaving the “door” open and told me that she was encouraging my dad to do the same for me.
At that point I decided that if he had to be encouraged to leave the door open for his only daughter then maybe it actually wasn’t worth reaching out to him. He ended up texting me the next day that he unblocked my number but he wasn’t ready to talk.
I waited three weeks for him to text me but received nothing more. I reached out just asking for a timeline on when I can expect that he will be ready to talk and he replied saying he has been waiting for me to contact him. (?) the conversation started fine. He said he loved me and he missed me.
He said that we were just going to have to “agree to disagree” on the whole situation. I explained that wouldn’t be happening and that I didn’t care about the cheating. That’s not my problem.
My problem is how he has hurt me and how his silent treatment affected me. This is obviously not what he wanted to hear.
I’ll save y’all the nitty gritty. The conversation ended with him saying he was mad at me because I didn’t come to him first and give him “a chance to come clean” but in the same message said that if I had kept my nose out of his business he would have taken this secret to the grave and that it was ME who hurt my mom because I told her.
He repeatedly demanded that I apologize to my mom for hurting her (??!!???) and apologize to him for betraying his trust.
There was a lot more to the conversation of course but to wrap this all up I double down that I did nothing wrong, he is the one who betrayed his wife, and if my mom would like an apology she is more than welcome to reach out to me directly.
Other than that, we’re done here. His number is blocked, I don’t plan on unblocking him. I feel confident in my decision this time. I don’t feel like him and I are existing in the same reality. I don’t feel like he’s the dad I once knew.
Sorry this is so long … and not a happy ending at all but it does feel nice to get this all out here. Thanks for following along with my story and I’ll do my best to share here if there’s any more major updates but I truthfully feel like this might be the end of it all. God please let it be the end.
OP's 3rd update:
When it comes to my mom, I told her I would support her either way. As much as I don’t agree with her choice I’m not in her position andni don’t know what kind of factors are coming into play for her to stay. Who knows, they could be waiting for my younger brother to move out before they call it quits.
For now I am NC with my father and I am willing to be LC with my mom but no one has spoken to me since so I think it might be NC with all. As it stands currently I don’t anticipate inviting my father to my wedding which is really hard to stomach.
We never planned for a big wedding so his presence was definitely going to be a big one on our day. Unless something is massively repaired during that time, I don’t need the added stress.
OP's fourth update:
In Stacy and my dad’s DM’s they both outlined the fallout they believe would occur if their respective partners found out about their affair. I don’t believe even if my mom and dad have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy like another Redditor suggested that it is a two way street.
But you’re absolutely correct, I don’t know their agreements within their marriage nor do I want to, lol. Seeing the things that my dad said in his DM’s was WAY MORE than I ever needed to know.
I do find my dad’s reaction of anger very telling though. Honestly the relationship I have with my dad he probably would have just told me of their agreement had there been one.
This is a thought that crossed my mind but why would my dad react the way he did if that was the case? Also in the DM’s between my dad and Stacy they specifically outline 1.
They do not feel guilty about sleeping with each other behind their partners back 2. They outline the fallout they believe will happen if their respective partners find out about the affair.
I think my mom was trying to deflect because she is embarrassed and this has happened before. Since this has all came out I have had a lot of “a-ha” moments of times in my childhood when I think my dad was also having affairs and it was just sheltered from me because I was young.
I wish it were as simple as them being swingers or polyamorous or in an open relationship. I wouldn’t want to know the details of course but that arrangement really wouldn’t bother me ofnit worked for them. I just don’t believe that to be the case sadly.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's dilemma:
jancuzza writes:
My mom is the same way. She knew, everybody told her when and where they saw my dad with his mistress, but she was too scared to leave him and live her life on her own, always hiding behind “forgiveness”.
I saw him with her and I told my mom. It was sad to wittness a defeat in her eyes. We (I+sister) were young adults in college. So she could have left easily. They could have sold our house and split.
After a while I realized that you can’t decide what her “journey” should be. But from that moment whenever she started to complain about him I told her that it was her decision to stay with him and I am not there to hear her out and go through the emotional stress again and again.
I don’t want to hear anything about their relationship - they are allowed to be grandparents to my and sisters children. If she chose to play dumb and pretend to be happy middleclass wife, it’s up to her.
But I don’t want to hear about her not being happy anymore until she wants my help or support in case of separating or divorce. Maybe I was harsh but believe me, when your parents are against each other and choose to stay in toxic relationship, then it’s their business and the boundaries is the only thing to keep your mental health intact.
Fortunately, neither of them turned their backs on me or my sister and my father apologized. From then on he and his mistress were hiding better and /or probably broke it off.