Woman discovers fiancé's horrifying emails to his ex; 'I cannot believe I'm about to marry him.' AITA? UPDATED 4X
When this woman is furious with her fiancé after discovering his emails to his ex, she asks the internet:
"I discovered my fiancé has been belittling me over email to his ex, whom he still loves. I am so upset. AITA?"
My fiancé, "Dale", and I have been together for 5 years. We are as solid as I guess anyone thinks they are before something like this blindsides them. I am in total and complete shock, I'm just sitting here shaking I can't even cry yet.
Dale is at work right now, I haven't texted him or called him or anything at this point. When we got together he had just broken up with his college sweetheart. She was his first love. I was afraid I was rebound, he said that wasn't true I believed him, rest is history. Sorry is this is rushed and all over the place, nothing makes sense in my head right now.
I used his laptop about 2 hours ago to open his contacts list he has saved on there so I could get addresses for our wedding invites. Been telling him to get those to me for over a week so I decided to do it.
He keeps his contacts info on his email. When I opened his email, I saw an email on the very top of his inbox with the the subject line "Re: Jen (not real name), how can I when..."
The subject line got cut off after that so I couldn't see more without clicking. "Jen" is the name of his ex from college. I sat there for at least 10 minutes trying to decide if I should open it or not. I decided he should have nothing to hide so I did it.
Rest of the subject line was "Re: Jen, how can I when you still exist?"
The email was her replying to a string of emails between the two of them that has gone on for over a week. Long story short, Dale is still in love with Jen. He thinks about her constantly, he'll never find another woman like her.
Even worse is that he makes fun of me and she laughs about it. One email she asks him why I don't make him happy and isn't he satisfied with me? I can't remember word for word, and I don't feel like reading it again, but he said something like "she tries.
She's just not good though, way too vanilla. I love her but I think about you all the time.
And then she answered with a bunch of "lol"s and said she felt sorry for the "poor girl". Another thing he said was that he made fun of me for having a large scar. He said it looked like something out of Edward Scissorhands.
That is almost too much to bear, he might as well have punched me in the gut. I was in an awful car accident when I was a teenager. I had a big piece of dashboard shatter and basically fly into my chest. I almost died.
I've never been ashamed of the scar. It's like a constant reminder that I survived something a lot of people don't and I should be grateful to be alive. The slight disfigurement I've always had the attitude of "if someone doesn't want me because of this, f them."
But to hear him make fun of something he knows is a result of something so major in my life (my friend was thrown from the backseat and lost her life) is just... I have no words.
The emails go on. Some are explicit. The first email in the thread was Dale talking about how he doesn't think he can marry me and that he thinks about leaving me almost constantly.
He said if she lived in this state he'd already have left me. It didn't sound like the first time they'd reconnected so I'm guessing if I snooped I'd find texts too. I don't need to snoop further. I've seen all I need to.
Obviously I'm not going to stay. Despite what he said about me, I'm pretty great and I know this. So he lied. Just to cast me in bad light.
I'm so mad I just want to throw his stuff into a pile and light it on fire. But I won't. Because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me.
I'm not sure why I posted here. It's too fresh to talk to my friends and family. Should I just pack my stuff and leave with no explanation? Just ghost? I've got too much dignity to scream and cry in front of him.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want comfort or advice or what, I just needed someone to know what happened so I don't feel so alone right now.
fiancé made fun of me and sent explicit emails to his ex. Just found them. Heartbroken, angry, hurt, every emotion ever going on. Don't know if I should just ghost him and never see him again or confront him? I need nice words from Internet strangers or something right now.
Before we give you OP's 4 updates (after she confronts Dale), let's take a look at some of the top responses:
cedarbee writes:
OP, I am burning with rage for you. After all you've been through, never lose sight of the fact that you are important, and you deserve the best. You are one of a kind. There will never be another you. Life is too god damn short.
Be brave, pack a bag of things (valuables, keepsakes, anything you can carry), get in your car and go to friends or family. To clear your head if anything else. Surround yourself with love and support. I truly hope the community of Reddit will share my feelings on this and extend our love and support to you, too.
papery writes:
I'm so sorry, OP. What a spineless asshole. So spineless that I have no doubt he would have gone through with the wedding, so thank god you found out before it happened. While cancelling a wedding sucks, it sure beats divorce.
Pack and get out of there. Forward yourself a copy of the email just in case. I know you say it's too fresh, but at least go to your parents or best friend and just tell them that it's over - that your fiancé horribly betrayed you but you're not ready to talk about it yet.
Send him a text telling him it's over, and then block his number until(if) you need to figure out wedding cancelling details. I'd be tempted to include a snarky line about how you're sure his ex can help him out if he needs to go over the reasons why you're through.
Of course, that is just what I would do. Sort of - I probably would tell and scream, but I get why you don't want to. You're clearly a much better person than he could ever hope to be, and I'm so sorry he turned out to be such a jackass.
kongmaul writes:
You are taking this and handling this exceptionally well, holy shit. If you want to hurt him (if it even hurts him that much), I would blindside him by ghosting.
That's just me, personally; I'm a vengeful person. If you want to break his shit before you leave, I wouldn't say I blame you, I'd probably do the same.
But more importantly: I would never let him back in. I know that sounds impossible, but I would try my very hardest to ghost myself out of his life, fall off the face of the earth, so there is no trace left of me.
He might not care? He might really care? Either way, I think it might confuse him a little as to why you don't care enough to get mad at him, which he deserves.
For what he's done to you, I say he deserves a lifetime of unanswered questions, what-ifs, regret, shame, confusion, and absolutely no closure. I wonder how he would feel with this hanging over his head for the rest of his life? That sounds like the worst punishment, and he deserves all of it.
skitten writes:
I don't typically reply to thinks like this because I know so many others will and it will get buried but good for you. You know you are awesome and aren't going to stay in this relationship.
You KNOW someone out there will love you for you and will forget about anyone in their past after meeting you. I'm so angry for you, I feel sick even thinking about having to go through that.
What an awful person, and she's no better. Honestly, they deserve each other and you deserve a million times better. I don't think I've ever seen such an upvoted post on this sub.
Everyone here is proud of your reaction and want better for you, and we have no idea who you are. If you want to rant to a stranger, message me. I'm so sorry, but I have a feeling you are strong enough to get through this no problem. Good luck!!
faaghwr writes:
Wow I actually shed tears for you. That is just horrible. Your fiance, clearly isn't 100% invested in your soon to be marriage. He said horrible things about you that no man would say if he loved his woman unconditionally.
I'm just so sorry you are going through this. If you need someone to lend an ear, feel free to pm me. Stay strong and lean on friends and family if you need to.
You're beautiful and clearly SO strong, you can absolutely deal with this horrible thing and come out even stronger than you already are on the other side. We're here for you girl!!!
bouncingferret writes:
I am here if you need anyone day or night. I went through the exact same thing with my exfiancee. I found emails, texts. Nearly. Killed. Me. I cried and screamed in agony because I could not understand why he would plan a life with me then run to his ex that he constantly said horrible, nasty things about.
He called me all kinds of things and anytime I even considered him again those images raced through my mind. Whatever you do, do not offer him a chance to justify.
You know now exactly what he thinks of you. I understand the thoughts and feelings that come with this kind of betrayal. Please. Reach out if you want or need someone.
And now, OP's update:
Hey everyone. First off, thank you for caring so much about my situation. You all have great advice, encouragement, and you helped me hold on to the strength I need to make it through this.
I still have a lot to get through and I'm hurting so much right now. It comes in waves; sometimes I feel so empowered and strong, then 10 minutes later I'm crying in a ball and feel like I can't move or do anything.
Last night I texted Dale and told him that my best friend, "Jake", had gotten into a fight with his boyfriend and I was going to go stay with him so he could vent and have somebody with him.
I told Jake what happened and showed him the emails (I took pictures of them on my phone in case I needed them for whatever reason). Jake and his boyfriend "Mike" (who he had obviously not gotten into a fight with and was there) were infuriated and we all just sort of cried together for a while.
They stayed up with me almost all night helping me figure out my next moves. We all agreed that taking the high road was the best route. We made a list of all the things that were necessary to get out of the apartment.
Mike is a property manager for a different apartment complex so this morning he called my property manager and gave her a very condensed, detail-free version of what was happening.
I have always thought it important to get to know your property manager in case you ever have a situation where they can help you out, so she always really liked me.
Dale and I have been paying rent on a month to month basis for about 3 months because we were starting to look for houses to purchase after we settled down after the wedding
.
My property manager told Mike that working out getting my name off of the rental agreement wouldn't be a problem and to not worry about the 30 day notice that she typically requires for a tenant moving out.
As far as finances go, I make about 70% of our combined income and Dale only covers about 30%. When Jake, Mike, and I were discussing the logistics of me moving out, Mike brought up the point that Dale does not make enough to cover the required 3x rent in income each month.
Meaning he will most likely be given notice to move out if he cannot find a roommate fast. We lived in a one bedroom so I doubt he'll be able to find someone quickly who is willing to sleep on a couch versus having their own bedroom.
Especially since I purchased the couch, so... there isn't even one there anymore. The thought of this brings me great pleasure, as I'm sure you can imagine.
Jake and I each called out of work today and we rented one of those mover pick up trucks. We were pretty organized after making our list and it only took us a couple of trips to get my stuff out and into Jake and Mike's garage for the time being.
Dale texted me a couple of times asking how Jake is and if I'm coming home after work tonight. I told him I'm already home (not exactly a lie, I was there at the time) and then I said Jake was going to be okay and that I just couldn't believe how awful people can be to the people they love.
Dale agreed and said that he was glad he had such a "good girl" like me. It was tempting to say something about how yeah, I'm just so vanilla that way. I didn't, I just told him to always remember that, how great I am to him.
He said of course he would. That felt pretty satisfying and I hope he does remember that everyday for the rest of his life.
Whoever it was that posted about the vanilla ice cream idea, Jake, Mike, and I laughed about that hysterically last night. It was the first thing that made me laugh like that and may be the only thing for a while, so thank you for that.
I didn't end up ruining any of Dale's stuff, I didn't print out the emails and send them to his family/friends, I didn't do anything destructive or spiteful. However, after all my stuff was out, Jake and I made a trip to the grocery store.
I took that poster's advice and I bought one of those big plastic tubs of vanilla ice cream. I left it on the counter with a note and my engagement ring. I wrote "I know vanilla isn't your favorite flavor, but this is the only vanilla you'll be eating from now on. XOXO". I mean... I am human. I had to leave him with a little bit of a bang.
So here I am. Staying with Mike and Jake for a while. Finding an apartment will be no issue for me, I am comfortable financially on my own with a stable job. I have to deal with the deposits I put down for the venues for both the wedding and the reception. I can't right now, I'm too much of a mess emotionally.
I will by the week's end though as I know I can't put it off any longer if there's any hope at all of getting refunded. I had already booked our honeymoon but I did pay the extra for insurance if the trip needed to be cancelled.
I honestly don't really know what exactly the insurance covers, I'll have to look into it. Wether or not I can get a refund for Dale's ticket, I will be going on my first trip out of the country on my own and I am happy about this. It's one bright thing to look forward to through this whole mess.
I will sell my wedding dress- which was a low cut dress by the way and showed my scar off as much as a wedding dress can. I guess Dale would have found that gross. Or maybe I'll burn it.
Burning it sounds kind of fun because I've been holding back so much on not being destructive in a time where I would have found great (albeit temporary) pleasure in burning everything Dale has ever owned.
Burning my dress is something I can do privately that will still be satisfying. I can scream and cry and throw rocks at it, pour lighter fluid all over it, watch it burn, and then cook a s'more over it. Because I love s'mores so why not?
I am walking away from Dale with my head held high. The best revenge is to walk away as dignified as possible and to not sink to his level. I was close with his family but I'm not going to worry about what he tells them.
I am positive it won't be the truth- there is no way he's got the balls and decency to tell them what he did. But I know what he did, he knows what he did, and all the people who truly love me and who I am close with will know what he did. That's all that really matters.
Though it's nice to have those emails just in case Dale tries to take things too far or something. I'm going to be okay. I'm having one of my empowered moments. Though I just spent the last hour in the bathtub sobbing. Like I said, waves. Jake told me that Dale isn't worthy of my "quirky" nipple and I agree.
When I got in my accident, I was lucky that the shrapnel didn't pierce my heart. I did however suffer from a pretty significant heart contusion (basically a bruised heart) among other injuries.
It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. So yeah, this situation makes my heart hurt, but my heart has been through much worse and kept on ticking along.
Sorry if I rambled a lot, posting this to you all is like a form of therapy and the more thoughts that pop up in my mind, I just write them down for you all to read. I haven't told my family and other friends yet, I'll be tackling that soon.
I'm glad the invites hadn't already been sent, at least I don't have to send out a cancellation notice. I deleted Dale off all social media and blocked his email address.
I didn't block him off my phone yet because, honestly, I'm curious to his reaction. I can promise you all that I will not respond AT ALL. Not to a single text or call. But I can't help but be interested to see how he reacts.
I will block him tomorrow though. Mike told me that the second his messages turn ugly or hateful because I'm not responding, block him. He doesn't want Dale to hurt me anymore than he already has. He's right and I really do plan to block him regardless by tomorrow after seeing his initial reaction.
I guess that's all I have to update. Thank you all for caring about me. I will continue moving forward and I will never stop wearing clothes that show my scar. I've never hidden it before and I'm not going to let some asshole make me feel like I should. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your love.
You gave amazing comments and messages. I will never forget the nice things you all have said to me. Seriously, thank you!
OP's second update, where she confronts Dale:
PS: I think I will dress up as Edward Scissorhands for Halloween. got my stuff out of the apartment, left fiancé with basically no explanation. Besides a tub of vanilla ice cream and a little note. I'm feeling okay at this moment but it's been up and down all day and will continue to for a long time.
So last night got pretty crazy. It started with Dale playing dumb and asking what was going on and what did he do? Like I promised all of you, I didn't respond. The dick knew exactly what he'd done.
He just kept texting and kept texting. One text that I found particularly infuriating was "I can't think of anything I have done to deserve this. Whatever you think I've done isn't true I'm sure you just misunderstood and I can explain. I mean damn you didn't have to be so dramatic and just leave me like this".
I love how he was already saying that I just misunderstood what I "think" he's done and that he can explain. He's such a shit person that he wouldn't even just come out and admit to the emails and say he's sorry. And then to call me dramatic.
The texts progressed into angry ones. Here is a string of texts from him, word for word (except that I corrected some grammar because his grammar is ridiculous). Each text was probably sent about 2 minutes apart, sometimes less.
Just so you understand the level of crazy here. I will refer to myself as "Elle" in these because he uses my name a lot and my real name starts with an "L" so seems appropriate. I blocked him after this, by the way.
"Baby you know how much I love you, I'm at a loss right now. I don't understand, why won't you answer me??" "I just tried calling. ELLE PLEASE PICK UP!" "We are getting married, I thought you cared about me. I guess I was wrong." "I guess you are cold hearted."
"Elle??????" "Baby??" "Are you ok? At least answer me so I know you are ok and not hurt or something." "Seriously?????" "ELLE!!!!" "Seriously you're a b&h." "I didn't mean that, I'm just getting really worried and upset."
He took about a 20 minute break between that one and this monstrosity: "You know what, I did mean that. You're a fg B for doing this. If you were unhappy you should have told me. I can't believe you would do this to me, I love you.
You are just like your father but even worse because at least your mom is terrible and so are you so who can blame him. Don't ever contact me again or come crawling back and good luck finding a guy who will love you. Lol lol lol.
So that's when I blocked him. I know nothing he said was true but still... this wasn't just an email to his ex, this was something he sent to me directly. I cried a lot after that one, it hit me pretty hard.
This is someone I was planning a future with just a couple of days ago. He was so sweet, as far as I knew obviously. He used to kiss my hand almost every morning. It's just such a shock it's hard to wrap my mind around it.
Last night was a really tough night to get through for me. I keep reading back what I wrote in this update last night and it helps to keep me feeling strong. I keep reading all of your lovely comments and messages from the original post and it helps to keep me feeling loved and strong.
Jake and Mike are wonderful and I'm lucky to have them to hold my hand and help me through this.
Though his texts hurt me, they also reaffirmed that he's a spineless weasel and that I 10000% did the right think by leaving. He's making it really easy to get over him.
Sorry this got so long, I wanted to really include you all in what's happening. Thanks for checking in on me and caring about what happens to me, love to you all!
OP's 3rd update:
I had a lot of people pm me asking if there were any signs that Dale was an asshole so they know what kind of red flags to look out for. Honestly... no.
I wish I could say yes to that so I could potentially prevent others from going through what I did or something similar.
He was very attentive and loving, he never once made fun of my appearance (to my face), he seemed to appreciate my ambition and independence. I never felt controlled or criticized for being a financially stable, educated woman.
I had a therapist after I lost my friend in the accident. My father had also walked out earlier that year so we were discussing this and how I hadn't seen it coming. My therapist told me that people can make you see whatever they want you to see but that they can't keep up the facade forever.
Things almost always come to a head eventually. The only thing you can do is be secure enough with yourself to understand that the faults of others has nothing to do with you. Just make sure you surround yourself with enough good people that you can afford to lose one or two along the way.
I suppose that would be my advice on the matter. Love people openly and let yourself be loved but always keep hold of yourself and make sure you have yourself covered should someone let you down along the way.
As far as the dress goes, I believe I will take the advice of many of you and donate it to flood victims in Louisiana. It is a beautiful gown. I think what I will burn instead is my reception dress. I've got to burn something. ;)
Thanks Reddit, I sincerely love all of you and wish you the best in all of your life endeavors! I might pop back up in a few weeks to update you all on how I'm doing.
Final update:
I'll also give you a little update. I am doing great! I haven't spoken to Dale since our split, though he did show up at Jake and Mike's place twice and they had to basically shoo him away and he would send flowers and cards to Jake and Mike's place for me for close to 3 months before giving up.
I have no idea what is happening in his life these days, which is a wonderful thing! I ended up going on my honeymoon alone and it was fabulous! I went to Spain and had such incredible experiences. And the food! You all, it was wonderful!
About 5 months ago I bought a home. My very first home! Just a small little starter home but it's mine and I love it. I've also done a far share of traveling. Mostly by myself because there is something just empowering and magical about traveling by yourself.
Quiet moments alone just taking in amazing sights and experiences. Though I've also traveled with Jake to Canada, which was a very fun trip, and had a Vegas trip with 5 other friends.
As far as my romantic life... I'm having fun. I am staying single and I would like to stay single for a while. Unless I meet someone who just sweeps me off my feet. I have met some men during my travels and around the city that seem to have no problem with my scar though.
I am forever grateful to how much you all rallied around me and lifted me up during a very low time. It meant and still means so much!
You are all wonderful, kind people. Even when I logged on to this account today for the first time in months I still had people messaging me words of encouragement as little as 2 weeks ago. That is, not to sound corny, sort of magical. That complete strangers show such compassion.