'I just found out I was the other women to my cheating husband.'
"I just found out I was the other women to my cheating husband."
I (F37) have been with my husband (M40) for 13 years and married for 9 years. We have two sons (6 & 8) and have been happily married, with the usual ups and downs you would expect with a relationship. But we have been happy. Very happy.
My MIL has a terminal disease and is expected to pass very very soon, so we have flown over to spend time with everyone (they are Australian, we live in the US). They used to fly over and stay with us all the time before MIL got sick. I love my MIL and FIL, they have been amazing grandparents and very lovely to me.
Yesterday, my husband and FIL looked after the kids, while my MIL and I had a spa day. When we were driving home she started getting very upset and she ended up getting me to pull over. Then she dropped the news.
When I met my husband, he was still in a relationship with his ex. I came to Australia on a working holiday at a snow resort and my husband was working at the same place. We quickly fell in love, he came to the US for the next season. We did that for a few years around the world before settling down.
MIL has just revealed that he had a long term (4 years) girlfriend at the time. He was driving back every few weeks to see her, and she apparently visited once. According to MIL, she wasn't a huge fan of GF but has felt terrible keeping this secret for so long, and wanted to get it off her chest before she passed.
Basically my husband up and left Australia and ditched everything he had and knew, ghosted all his old childhood friends, girlfriend etc. His parents moved states not long after so there were next to no ties to his old life.
There were so many lies. He said he used to visit his parents on those trips the year we first met, no he was with his girlfriend for 4 months. Going on dates. Hanging out with her family. She VISITED FOR DAYS!!!
I don't really know how to feel right now. I feel so betrayed and lost. I can't trust him again, but I don't think I could be a single mom. I feel so lost right now.
Edit: Just so people know, we were exclusive and after the Australian snow season ended (which is from june to october) we both came back to the US for our snow season.
We did that, switching between the hemispheres, together for a few years. I haven't spoken with my husband yet, but I am going to approach the situation gently. I might have to leave.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
iocatek writes:
So thirteen years ago, a relationship he was ending, over-lapped with the one you were beginning for four months. Sounds like they were drifting apart already, what with it being a long-distance relationship for them. That's a fairly common way many men will leave a gf, just slowly start seeing them less and less, then fade away.
On the other hand, his feelings for you grew and you say that you fell in love. A love that he has nurtured and honored for thirteen years.
I can sympathize with the initial shock of this news, but in the US; the first four months of dating don't usually mean it's a committed, exclusive relationship. In fact, many would say that even using the 'L' word before six months, is moving too fast. Frankly, I find it odd that the MIL would want to tell you about this behind her son's back; after all this time.
The important thing is: how does he treat you now? Would he respect you by being open about it now?
lazyobjective writes:
Your husband cheated on you, he was cheating on both of you. While I’m sure it was more severe and hurtful for her I think you should keep that in mind. He was in a relationship with you, lying to you, sneaking around with another woman while he was with you, convincing his family to lie to you.
And doing the same to her. I don’t care how long ago it was that would be too much for me to handle. I think the length of time he kept lying would actually make it worse for me. I would never be able to trust him again, I would never be able to trust he wouldn’t cheat on me again if he hasn’t already.
I'm sorry about everything but ffs his mother is something else dropping that information knowing she isn't going to be around for the fallout. If you don't want to break up then you need therapy both together and alon
ngd writes:
This feels like a nothing big. So he had a girlfriend when you first met. He wasn't married. Early on he probably thought you'd be headed back to the US and he'd never see you again.
He likely would have broken up with her anyway after seeing there were better options. He married you. He traveled around the world to spend time with you. He made a family with you.
If he was still having a relationship with her I'd say otherwise, but you need to let this go. I feel like part of the problem was the delivery by you MIL.
I'll give her a pass on the unnecessary drama because of her diagnosis, I'm sure it's related. Certainly have a conversation with him to find out what he was thinking, but then let it go if he's been a good husband and father since.
I’d rather be a single mom than stay with someone who could lie to me for so many years. My trust would be irrevocably broken.