Woman considers divorce when finds out her husband lied SO MUCH about his ex-girlfriend. AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman cannot believe what she finds out about her husband's past, she asks Reddit:
"I just found out so may lies about my husband. In shock. AITA?"
I (F37) have been with my husband (M40) for 13 years and married for 9 years. We have two sons (6 & 8) and have been happily married, with the usual ups and downs you would expect with a relationship. But we have been happy. Very happy.
My MIL has a terminal disease and is expected to pass very very soon, so we have flown over to spend time with everyone (they are Australian, we live in the US). They used to fly over and stay with us all the time before MIL got sick. I love my MIL and FIL, they have been amazing grandparents and very lovely to me.
Yesterday, my husband and FIL looked after the kids, while my MIL and I had a spa day. When we were driving home she started getting very upset and she ended up getting me to pull over. Then she dropped the news.
When I met my husband, he was still in a relationship with his ex. I came to Australia on a working holiday at a snow resort and my husband was working at the same place. We quickly fell in love, he came to the US for the next season. We did that for a few years around the world before settling down.
MIL has just revealed that he had a long term (4 years) girlfriend at the time. He was driving back every few weeks to see her, and she apparently visited once. According to MIL, she wasn't a huge fan of GF but has felt terrible keeping this secret for so long, and wanted to get it off her chest before she passed.
Basically my husband up and left Australia and ditched everything he had and knew, ghosted all his old childhood friends, girlfriend etc. His parents moved states not long after so there were next to no ties to his old life.
There were so many lies. He said he used to visit his parents on those trips the year we first met, no he was fg his girlfriend for 4 months. Going on dates. Hanging out with her family. She VISITED FOR DAYS!!!
I don't really know how to feel right now. I feel so betrayed and lost. I can't trust him again, but I don't think I could be a single mom. I feel so lost right now.
Just so people know, we were exclusive and after the Australian snow season ended (which is from june to october) we both came back to the US for our snow season.
We did that, switching between the hemispheres, together for a few years. I haven't spoken with my husband yet, but I am going to approach the situation gently. I mgiht have to leave. WIBTA?
Let's take a look at some of the top responses:
bobla writes:
He gave up his entire life, all family and friends, all acquaintances, knowing he could not go back, to the place he grew up, FOR YOU.
I know it seems fresh now, but it was before you two were exclusively together it sounds like. I bet you had relationships before him also. They didn't work out for good reasons I bet. Same with him. They didn't work out for good reasons.
You don't know how she treated him. And my guess is he went all in for you after going back with her for just a little while. I think he has been in love with you ever since and broke it off with her that first year, 13, count them , 13 years ago.
I guarantee you, she has been a distant memory for a long time. You are his love and his life. Time for you to talk with him and ask why he chose you over her. Do not insult or malign his integrity.
You need to have him help you find a way to get over being jealous of a woman from 13 years ago that he literally cut all ties with and cut all ties to anyone that knows her do he could be with you.
Make the best of what you have now, because there are a LOT of us that would damn near kill for a 13 year, happily married, loving, relationship with 2 kids. Half of that would be great. Good luck.
iocatek writes:
So thirteen years ago, a relationship he was ending, over-lapped with the one you were beginning for four months. Sounds like they were drifting apart already, what with it being a long-distance relationship for them. That's a fairly common way many men will leave a gf, just slowly start seeing them less and less, then fade away.
On the other hand, his feelings for you grew and you say that you fell in love. A love that he has nutured and honored for thirteen years.
I can sympathize with the initial shock of this news, but in the US; the first four months of dating don't usually mean it's a committed, exclusive relationship. In fact, many would say that even using the 'L' word before six months, is moving too fast. Frankly, I find it odd that the MIL would want to tell you about this behind her son's back; after all this time.
The important thing is: how does he treat you now? Would he respect you by being open about it now?
lazyobjective writes:
Your husband cheated on you, he was cheating on both of you. While I’m sure it was more severe and hurtful for her I think you should keep that in mind. He was in a relationship with you, lying to you, sneaking around with another woman while he was with you, convincing his family to lie to you.
And doing the same to her. I don’t care how long ago it was that would be too much for me to handle. I think the length of time he kept lying would actually make it worse for me. I would never be able to trust him again, I would never be able to trust he wouldn’t cheat on me again if he hasn’t already.
freckreddishbrown writes:
You’ve been happily married for 9 years. You have two children. He moved to the other side of the planet for you.
Now you find out he was in a relationship - committed yes, but not married - when you met him. And it took him four months - neither 4 months 100% with you or her - to end things with her and commit fully to you.
Now, 13 years later, for some reason, MIL feels she needs to tip a perfectly good boat because she harbours some ancient guilt over what? It was his secret to tell, not hers. What could she hope to accomplish? She’s easing her own guilt but at what cost to you?
If it were one year and no kids, I could see you being upset. But come on. You’ve built a life together. If anything, because of how much he threw away to be with you, I’d think you could trust him.
Stop making something out of nothing. She didn’t matter then. She doesn’t matter now. So he never told you. Probably figured you’d overreact. Which is what you seem to be doing. Tell MIL thanks but it’s none of her business.
funguarantee writes:
I ABSOLUTELY agree. I’m sure you feel awful right now and your feelings are valid. But in your position I would not let your feelings sweep away ten years of working together on a successful, happy, fruitful marriage.
Get counselling, work more together, I promise you’ll get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Long term relationships are not all roses - they’re about overcoming obstacles together and this is one of them.
My husband did a similar thing in first months of our relationship but I found out, gave him an ultimatum and he stopped… but I think he’d have stopped even if I didn’t find out.
We’ve been together 17 years, married for 14 and we have three children. We love each other, delight in each other’s company and have regular sex.
My dad had an affair when I was a kid, it rocked everyone’s world but my parents worked through it and have now been married for 54 years? Enjoying grand parenthood together. IMO going long term is a big effort which I’m willing to make to get wonderful benefits.
Your husband has shown for a decade that he’s a good man and father who made a poor choice ten years ago. It wasn’t the right choice for her or you, but ending a four year relationship is difficult and lots of people are very bad at endings.
It doesn’t make them bad, dishonest people. That was going on for my husband - he was trying to be kind to his ex who he’d been with for a loooong time.
People change and grow up, and reprioritise what matters. I don’t know your husband, but mine prioritises me and our children. When he was young my husband slept with maybe 50-100 women and in his own words “treated them badly”.
But he’s all grown up now and married to me and I’m happy to trust he’s not in a relationship with anyone else (with three small kids he doesn’t have the time).
And honestly, I think infidelity isn’t the end of the world anyway. It happens. People get through it. Often it’s a source of growth. Read Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity and listen to Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast pod for an alternative perspective not full of moral absolutists like Redditors.
shanloves3read writes:
My first reaction would be sadness then rage and then I would have MIL not to say anything to anyone and especially not to her son and husband. I know myself and I would write down our time line and status and what he told me he was doing and then take a red pen and write what mom said next to it….
I would get my ducks in a row and find out what my rights were and see if I could set up online therapy talk while there and then confront husband.
I am not there and don’t know what is going on and what you can and can’t do … what you can do is go into health provider website and see if you can schedule an online appt with a therapis.
I do know there are counseling companies that do a flat rate that can give some little help or maybe a local one has that type one where you can do that with a local flat rate.
Talk to someone and heal your heart so you can ask your husband the right questions… and find out what is going on. I would then maybe talk to MIL and husband and do some chats.
ngd writes:
This feels like a nothing big. So he had a girlfriend when you first met. He wasn't married. Early on he probably thought you'd be headed back to the US and he'd never see you again.
He likely would have broken up with her anyway after seeing there were better options. He married you. He traveled around the world to spend time with you. He made a family with you.
If he was still having a relationship with her I'd say otherwise, but you need to let this go. I feel like part of the problem was the delivery by you MIL.
I'll give her a pass on the unnecessary drama because of her diagnosis, I'm sure it's related. Certainly have a conversation with him to find out what he was thinking, but then let it go if he's been a good husband and father since.