Woman with divorced parents 'cancels' Christmas. 'I don't know who I would choose.' AITA?
"AITA for canceling Christmas?"
My sister (F18) and I (F22) are children of divorce. My mom and dad got divorced when I was still in elementary school. My dad cheated on mom and eventually left to marry that woman instead. My mom has been really hurt by this and honestly has never really healed from the trauma.
Me and my dad are still really close. Even in the divorce he still made a point to see us, though admittedly he was not as involved as my mom. I love them both, but they cannot stand one anther (understandably).
This Christmas is the first since my sister graduated high school, and therfore the first where visitation is not set in stone by the courts. My mother assumed that because we're adults now, she doesn't have to "let her life be dictated by the bitch" anymore and wants a set schedule for Christmas which is the same every year.
She wants Christmas eve with her mom, my grandma, and Christmas morning with her. To clarify, she wants to spend every single christmas eve and christmas morning with us.
My dad on the other hand assumed that we would still be going back and forth every year, and since my mom had us the past two years for Christmas (mom, sister, and I got covid together on his year last year), it would be his turn for Christmas morning. So now there is a fight for Christmas morning, except they won't speak to one another, so it's coming down on my sister and I hard.
Here's where it gets tricky. My stepmother is a textbook narcissist and admittedly does everything possible to get under my moms skin. I asked my dad when Christmas was and he answered "whenever I'm invited", so I'm on good authority that my dad doesn't really care when Christmas is, as long as he sees us, but stepmother really wants Christmas morning, so he is fighting for it.
My stepmom has 3 children, and one lives out of state. My stepsister is coming into town the week before Christmas, but is unable to stay more than a couple of days due to her job as a nurse. My mom argues that if they cared about family, and not just getting under her skin, then they would schedule Christmas when her daughter was in town a week early, rather than christmas day.
Also, my stepmother has made several comments throughout my entire life that as soon as all the kids leave the nest she is buying a small house so no one can come back and leech off her and my dad. I've heard these comments since I was about 10 or so. Last year they forfilled that and now live in a 2 bedroom house, but want 4 kids to come back and sleep on air mattress christmas eve.
My mom argues that when they bought their new house, they knew that they no longer had a "Christmas morning" house, and it would make much more since to wake up with her, do Christmas, and go to my dad's at 11 or noon. To clarify, my dad is okay with us going to my mom's side grandma's christmas on christmas eve night, as long as we drive late to his house to wake up christmas morning.
At this point I am leaning towards moms side (mostly because air mattresses are uncomfy), but dads argument that it was his turn made since. I talked to mom and sh$t hit the fan. She argued that this was stepmother trying to control her and her family and she put up with it for 13 years but wont anymore.
She said that she always cried Christmas day, and hates Christmas, and thought that it would be different this year now that we are adults and could choose her. She told me that she was sticking with whatever happened this year and we are making a set schedule no matter what and if we choose dad then she will never do another Christmas morning with us again and he can have us every Christmas morning. I mentioned next year would be her turn, and she said she would rather sleep in. she would not budge.
I was so exasperated at this point. I'm crying in my car on my way to work. I have said from the beginning that I hate being in the middle and just want their to be peace, but they genuinely both believe that the other only wants Christmas morning to have power over the other. Mom said that I'm a child of divorce so I have always been in the middle so its too bad and I should be used to it by now.
At this point, regardless of what I want to do, I hate the way that they have spoken to me and I want neither of them to win. I told them both if they can't figure this out then I won't be at anyone's house on Christmas day.
I don't know who I would choose, or even who's case seems the most logical anymore. But I think that is horrible that they are trying to put me in a place to choose who I love more and that just isn't possible.
Aitah for refusing to go to either of their Christmas celebrations, or is there an obvious solution that I am overlooking?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Intrepid-Duty1642 said:
Something my therapist told me (I'm also a child of divorce), was that YOU didn't get divorced, your parents did. You don't have to keep following the terms set out in the custody arrangement anymore. If you don't want to visit either of them, you don't have to. It took me awhile to realize that I actually did have the power to tell one or both of them "no."
Zugnutz said:
You and your sister should have your own Christmas.
floopdoopsalot said:
Neither side here deserves to be rewarded. Your feeling that neither side should win is right--because this shouldn't be a competition! They care more about winning than they care about you.
So put yourself first. Have Christmas Eve and Day with your sister-- s'mores, pitchers of Mimosas, scary movies, Swedish Smorgasbord, whatever. Just relax and treat yourselves.
mavynn_blacke said:
Oh girl NTA. Grab your sister and run! Go skiing. Or to Disney World. HELL, DM me and I will go with you to Disneyland! Send them pics.
Endora529 said:
NTA. You’re an adult and you spend Christmas how you want. You could try and make it fair and alternate Christmas mornings every other year. But honestly, after the shit show that you’ve been through this year, I wouldn’t go to anyone’s house Christmas morning.
Btw, your dad is a douche bag for leaving your family for that crazy bitch. Both your parents need to take a step back and ask what you want to do. You aren’t little kids anymore. What about when you have your own partners and/or children? Do what’s best for your sanity.