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Woman divorces husband because of MIL's atrocious behavior; husband comes crawling back year later. AITA? UPDATED 2X

Woman divorces husband because of MIL's atrocious behavior; husband comes crawling back year later. AITA? UPDATED 2X


When this woman divorces her husband because of his mother, and then her husband comes crawling back, she asks the internet:

"I divorced my husband due to an awful MIL, ex husband wants me back in after a year of hell from mother. AITA?"

I will be rambling a little as I am very mad right now. Sorry for my bad English. It is not my first language. My ex and I were married for well over 5 years and together for 10. His mother was a nightmare.

She would spent her time belittling me and tried humiliating me. I could take it as I loved my husband and didn't want to make him choose between her or me.

Of course I would always tell him what she would be doing and he would always brush it off as her being "a loving and over protecting mom".

When she would say something racist (I am Hispanic and they are white) he would laugh it off, when she would make a comment of me being a gold digger (even though I earned more than my ex) he would just say "Oh mom". He would also get mad at me if I ever stood up for myself.

But the straw that broke the camel's back is when we had our daughter. My MIL would always try to parent her and say that I would do something wrong. My daughter has an irritable colon and she cannot ingest any kind of fg oils or artificial things. And guess what that looney of a woman did??

She fed my 3 year old daughter essential oils (she is not anti vaxx, just very stupid) to make her go to sleep. I had had it when my daughter ended up in the ICU because of my MIL. I had it and I confronted my husband who said "She only did what she thought was best".

I lost it. I went to my parents and drafted a divorce agreement. (That's the best course of action. I saw a post earlier describing a situation that is much more dangerous than mine involving allergens and an epi pen).

His face was like that Pikachu meme when I served him. He didn't know why I was doing that because we were "happy". So now a year has passed and my life was hell. My Monster in law tried every dirty trick in the book to take my daughter. To name a few:

She accused my brother of molesting her; She accused me of neglect; She accused me of taking drugs and leaving them in reach of a toddler (I take thyroxin for heaven’s sake!);She accused me of endangering my daughter by leaving a random man in my house.

The list goes on. During this time the excuse of my ex was that I broke his heart and I had to understand his mother. She only wants what’s best for him.

Luckily I got good representation and even got my daughter full time minus some weekends or visitation. I could prove that my daughter was endangered by his mother.

So now to the advice part. I knew that my ex needed to be permanently in my life because of my daughter. And I was learning to live with that. He was very cold with me because again ... I broke his heart.

Now two things have come together: My ex BIL got married to an African American woman, so of course my ex MIL flipped. I started dating again.

My ex BIL is a great guy and he actually stood up for his wife (go figure, it is possible!) I stay in contact with him because we are friends and he was a mediator and fought with his brother quite often.

So my BIL actually stood up for his wife and my ex husband got his panties in a twist. My BIL basically opened his eyes to how shitty he was being. And that their mom treated me the same way she treated his wife. And finally my dense ex started understanding.

The guy I am seeing is great. I have even met his parents and his mother is normal. She treats me like a human being and has invited me already to many family functions and tries to make me and my daughter feel welcomed. My ex got wind from the situation through a mutual friend and guess who is now flipping his shit?

He started bringing flowers and chocolate ( I don't even like chocolate!!!) to pick up our daughter. He sends me cards and sms with hearts and who knows what.

Yesterday was the "best thing". My daughter was at my mother’s place and I was at home with my boyfriend. He appears in front of my door crying and clutching my engagement ring begging me to come back.

I said no and that he should go away. He wouldn't and started demanding that I come out to talk to him. My boyfriend told him that he would call the police, and in his pathetic fashion he threatened to beat my boyfriend up. I closed the door and let him pound sand.

Today he picked up my daughter for a day trip and when they came back my daughter was asking if I loved my boyfriend more than her. Now I am at a loss to what to do. I already told my daughter that it was impossible because my love for her is infinite and there is nothing bigger than infinite.

But now I know that my ex is trying to make my daughter hate me. I am at a loss because I won't use my daughter as ammunition. But also ... what the hell am I supposed to do?? I will never return to that man but I can't take away the father of my daughter. Do you guys have any advice?

I talked to my lawyer who confirmed that we could have a case for domestic violence by proxy. A social worker will be visiting us in the next few days to talk to my daughter about this.

I don't care if he wants me back. I don't love him anymore and will never get back together with him. Staying for the sake of our daughter would not make sense as it has been proven that kids grow up happier in divorced homes than unhappy homes.

I tried talking to my husband when we were still married and he would always brush it off. He would brush off everything his mother did. I complained to him and told him we needed go to therapy which he declined.

He has his daughter on the weekends. The court gave me majority custody because of his mother. Jeezus guys I guess in some of y'all's eyes I should have kept being by my ex's side as a submissive bimbo. AITA?

Before we give you OP's update (from the next day, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

lordica writes:

Your husband has started trying to use parental alienation on your child by poisioning the well with her relationship with you and your relationship with your new boyfriend.

Have her speak to a child services officer or a court moderator/guardian ad lidem to record what happened and how she was informed of this irrelevant information of "mommy loving her boyfriend more than me (daughter).".

I don't think your ex husband is safe for her to be around as he is making irrational choices and it is negatively impacting your role as a parent and your daughter's well-being.

usetnamer101 writes:

I just want to say well done. Good job. You made some excellent choices. You have some great values and I hope you pass it on to your daughter. You love her so much you left you husband for her safety (and emotional abise/neglect) whatever you want to call it.

You showed her to value yourself enough to leave and get out of messy situations. Please do some reflection on why you chose him and the red flags so one day you could warn her from choosing a man like her dad.

I say good riddance to your ex, you have a man who treats you well. Please very important get your daughter's opinion on the new man. She also has a right to choose who is welcome her life.

When she comes home with these questions, you tell her you love her more than your boyfriend. You should show it in your behaviour too. She comes first, you chose to have her, she did not choose to be here.

Don't take him back. Your daughter can still have him in her life. Children are very clever. When my dad talked shit about my mum, I knew who to belive.

meyjey writes:

I used to be the kid in this situation. My father and grandparents always talked badly about my mother (and my stepfather). I was emotionally exhausted and confused after every meeting and was mean to my mom and my stepfather - even though they did nothing bad at all.

My parents (Mom + SF) never talked badly about my biological father or his family and were always absolutely honest with me. As a child this showed me that not everything my father says is or can be true.

My mother then only allowed contact when she or my SF were present so that I would not be exposed to the lies alone. Continue as before, always be absolutely honest with your daughter, even if the truth may not always be pleasant.

She needs you now to be able to determine for herself what is true and honest and what is not. I would nevertheless say a few chosen words to your ex-husband and your MIL and, if necessary, enforce an ultimatum, whatever that looks like for you.

As a little note at the end: my father was always angry at my mother and let me feel it. In the end it was better to live without a biological father than with one who just wanted to use me against my mother. And my stepfather was the best father I could have wished for! Good luck and all the best for you and your little girl!

pepperfinn writes:

Explain to your daughter that: You love her very, very much. More than anyone. (Infinity thing you do)

You and daddy love her very much however were not happy / working as a mummy and daddy together so split up.

You appreciate daddy because he helped make her but won't be getting back together. Because you make each other unhappy.

Daddy misses her and wants all 3 of you together so sometimes he gets sad or angry and does silly things like when (give examples that she has done like yelling at her friends for leaving).

This is a grown up problem so mummy and daddy should talk about this to each other, not to you.

We also need to let daddy calm down, just like when you have a tantrum, so might not see him as much until then.

Be the bigger person and NEVER badmouth him. It just makes her hate the person speaking.

Tell him (via his bro) that he had his chance to prove he was a good husband and partner and he didn't step up. And now he isn't hurting you but is hurting his daughter. Is that what he really wants? And it further proves that he shouldn't be your husband.

draigdwa writes:

I seriously don't understand why this is the law that a parent who has proved to be shitty still has rights to be with the child and mess up that child. It's way calmer if such a person exists very theoretically in form of child support and maybe a birthday card.

All this co-parenting, rushing the kid from one household to another different one every few weeks, they have to interact with very different people who don't have the same values (or where the divorce came from?), new family members who may or may not tolerate the child.

It should be what's better for the child to grow up in calm and loving environment not what strokes the ego of the shitty parent. Oh, I can still have influence! yes, a bad one. Seen too many sickening examples.

You believed that guy once, he fd it up, literally chose his mommy dear over you, he saw it all, he didn't care. Why risk it repeating? Plus if you go back to him and it turns out sour, there is very little chance the present bf will be waiting for you. He also has feelings to be considered.

And now, OP's first update:

I just posted here yesterday but it feels like weeks have happened. So I have just left my daughter with my mother and am going to my lawyer again.I followed some advice you guys gave me and we sat down with my daughter to "chit chat".

We knew we couldn't prompt any kind of responses by asking overly specific questions as per her therapist. So my mother asks my daughter (let’s call her Cat) "Cat what do you and daddy talk about?"

And Cat just listed many toddler things like she talks about kindergarten, games etc. When I was kind of relieved that that comment my ex made yesterday may just be a one off, came the big bomb.

"He also shows me pictures of houses and tells me I can have now 2 rooms with loads of stuff!!" I ask if her dad is buying a new house.

Nope. Turns out that nut wants to take my daughter out of the country. He shows her pictures of beach houses and even bought her a bag so she can put her stuff inside it. Which explains why so many of her clothes have gone missing.

At first I thought that maybe my ex hadn't told me yet because it hadn't come through. But no he told my daughter to keep this as a secret because mommy would get sad if she knew that daddy was going away.

So I am fg livid. And also sad because I will have to tell my daughter no. Once again I feel lost.

Edit /Update : I talked to my lawyer and we have taken measures that I can't discuss here but we are on it. I have my daughter’s passport as we flew last month to visit extended family.

Also I am a US citizen so even if my ex MIL tried to have me deported, that wouldn't be possible.

And now, OP's second and final update:

So I thought of giving you the last update as you helped me through this. I didn't have enough evidence to request an ex parte, aka emergency child custody. So my lawyer and I had to work on steps to prevent child abduction. We got a custody decree that included provisions including passports, travel restrictions etc.

We also had to be very wary of the signs. He in fact quit his job and on a realtor's page, I saw that he was putting his mother's house on sale. That and my daughter's words was all we needed to notify law enforcement for them to keep an eye out.

I couldn't prevent my daughter from seeing her father. We tried to continue business as usual without my daughter feeling something was up.

I got a call from the police department regarding the passport situation. My daughter's passport had expired very recently (five years validity). My ex husband had tried to request a passport for my daughter without my knowledge.

Which was stupid because even without the decree, I had to be present or submit a notarized document of me stating that he could request the passport.

After that things actually went very fast. He was investigated because he violated the decree and it was found out that MIL had bought 3 tickets with no return date to Mexico. I could request an ex parte.

After a sh% ton of documents I submitted it. In most cases the judge will evaluate behind closed doors. We had the hearing yesterday (it takes usually 10 to 20 days) which was very good for me.

ATM I have sole custody for my daughter. This is all temporary. My ex has visitation rights if I was present but he can't take her anywhere. This is once the investigation of him is closed.

I was cursed out by my ex and ex MIL and they said they will try to contest this but they have no leg to stand on. My daughter will continue in therapy. Specially after this. I will not prohibit him from seeing her but he needs help.

This was really scary and a very intense two weeks. I don't think that I will update again but I wanted to thank you all for your tips and support. I am really thankful as I am finally not anxious the whole time! Thank you really much!

Sources: Reddit
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