Woman divorces husband after he refuses to stop talking to coworker who enabled him years ago. AITA?
"AITA for divorcing over my husband talking to someone I asked not to at work?"
I (29F) been married to my husband (29M) for 8 years and we have 2 kids.
We are working at the same place, since it offers flexible hours and its next to our kids school.
Backstory: 6 years ago my husband got into substance abuse, I found out after one night after his work shift he sent me a message saying he needed this (substance), withdrew all our money, turned off his cellphone and went to a house with other coworkers to party and do a LOT of substance to the point he nearly died. After this I found out about other things, like that this coworker would share substances with him and they would do it during work hours.
My husband asked for an opportunity to change and get better, he quit his job, switch to another where he didn't have coworkers, I accepted to help him, for us and our family, It was AWFUL, the symptoms of dry hungover, his mood swings, it was a long exhausting journey.
I always tell my husband I forgave what he put us through but I don't forget and I don't trust him (about substance). He's been clean for 5 1/2 years, we started this job two weeks ago and we realized this guy (the one who enabled him) is working there. When I saw him all of those bad moments came back to my mind, I felt upset and I communicated that to my husband he told me: "just get over it, this was 6 years ago, it won't happen again."
Yesterday I told him, I'm embarrassed to see him at the least, I was the one looking for him that night (since my husband barely made it home). He knows who I am, I asked my husband please to not talk to him, ignore him, and just pretend he doesn't know him. The amount of ptsd I get from seeing him is horrible, I told all of this to my husband and he said he would not talk to him anymore.
Today, I ran into them talking about work and stuff. I told my husband "I asked you to stay away from him," my husband says I'm overreacting and that I should get over it, that he won't stop talking to him just because I say so. I told him again all the reasoning behind my request but he denied...I told him I want a divorce.
I feel this is a breaking point for me, because I was there for him to get clean all the way through and all I asked was respect and that I don't want that person near him. Now he is saying I'm an AH for divorcing over this, and that I'm overreacting. Am I the as$hole for wanting a divorce over this?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
MissMurderpants said:
NTA. I’d put my money in a safe place he couldn’t get his mitts on. Go see a lawyer first.
ONROSREPUS said:
NTA but since they are co worker how can you totally stop them from talking? Maybe ask him to find another job first? I hate when divorce is the first answer. Some cases it needs to be thou.
BeardManMichael said:
NTA. You need to keep your finances safe and your boundaries intact. It seems like your husband does not understand either of those factors. If he is unwilling to prioritize your wishes ahead of this toxic friend, then you should just consider a following through with your divorce threats.
If you don't trust him enough to NOT fall back down that awful rabbit hole, you should again follow through with those divorce threats. If he keeps being dismissive of your feelings, you should just follow through with those divorce threats.
tonkatsu2008 said:
NTA. Fighting addiction is a lifetime battle. It only takes one temporary lapse in judgment to relapse into old habits. By refusing to avoid talking to the person who is most likely to tempt him back to a life of addiction, your husband is putting you and your kids' lives in jeopardy. You need to prepare to separate your finances to protect your future.
HowCanBeLoungeLizard said:
NTA. I even think you're framing it a little generously in his favor. It might be reasonable that he would have to talk to the guy about work stuff, since it's at his job. But his dismissive attitude tells me that he isn't taking you or his risk of relapse very seriously. He should be looking for a new job and walking a very straight line in the meantime. He's acting selfishly and arrogantly, and I think you're right to be worried about his behavior.
No-Mango8923 said:
NTA and you certainly are NOT over-reacting to this! Substance abuse is very serious business and not something I would personally stick around for with someone going through it, so the fact you did and stood by him getting clean makes you a bloody saint in my book.
He is violating your boundaries and downplaying the trauma you went through watching his addiction slowly killing him and dismissing all the support you gave him by helping him get clean. That is some freaking big deal breaker, in my opinion. He doesn't respect you, and never will. He's made that perfectly clear. Believe him.