"AITA for divorcing my husband over a puzzle?"
I (34F) and my husband (35F) have been married for 6 years now. We met when we were kids and grew up together in a small town. Everybody always knew that we were going to end up together.
I have a hobby of doing puzzles and I would often encourage my husband to join me, expressing that it would make me happy if he took an interest in what I enjoy doing. However, when I told my husband this he just laughed and said he has better things to do than “care home activities.”
The comment always rubbed me the wrong way, but I know my husband can be insensitive to these things, so I never commented further on it. My husband and I are very different.
While he prefers to go out hiking or to meet up with friends in his spare time, I would rather stay at home and read a book or cook or doing puzzles at home. While I wouldn’t call myself introverted, my husband often told me I should make greater effort to socialise more and get out.
Recently, this topic has been appearing more and more in our arguments so last week I asked him so much why it bothered him so much that I don’t like to go out as much as him and he told me it’s “a waste of a pretty face.”
I told him I didn’t appreciate that comment and that he shouldn’t have married me if what I did in spare time was such a problem to him. He scoffed and told me that thought he shouldn’t have married me either. He then left the house and came back until night, when I was already in bed.
I have a rather extensive collection of puzzles that I collect and then display in my office room. When we got married, I agreed I would leave them in my office when they were finished and that he would never find the pieces lying another He often told me I was filling the house with “eyesores” and that he wanted to live in a home not a children’s playhouse.
That night after he left, I redid one of my favourite puzzles to seek comfort from its familiarity. It was a gift from a friend that has moved away a few years ago. It was a beautiful custom made puzzle, and it meant the world to me. The picture that puzzle creates is one of me and my friend at our graduation.
It’s a big puzzle comprising about 200+ pieces, so I didn’t finish it that day and I went to bed, leaving the pieces scattered over our dining table.
When I woke the next morning to finish the puzzle, it was no longer on the table where I had left it. It wasn’t in our bedroom; it wasn’t in my office, none of my collection was. I finally went to the kitchen to ask my husband if he’d seen my puzzle collection.
He looked at me and with a smug little smirk and told me he had to put them all “where they belong.” I immediately knew that he had thrown them into the trash. It was Friday morning, and that’s when the trash was taken away. So I knew I had lost them forever.
I didn’t waste time shouting at him. I just went to my room and packed my essentials before taking a taxi to my mom’s place. He didn’t stop me from leaving. He didn’t ask where I was going. I told my mom what had happened, and she told me I could stay at her place however long I need until I figured out what my next steps were going to be.
I consulted my friends about the matter and they told me that my husband had been asking everyone where I was and had been telling them to keep their silences about his inquiries. They advised to look into divorce with my husband and if that wasn’t an option I will take then we should try couples counselling.
My husband realized I was serious and so he started spamming my phone calls and messages, telling me I was being “rash and unreasonable” and that no normal human should care that much about a “glorified piece of plastic.”
I had not yet replied to any of his messages. Some of my friends also could not understand why the puzzles hold such value to me. But for me, that has just given me more of an incentive to remove him from my life permanently.
2 days ago, I told him I was going to mourn those puzzles more than I would ever mourn our relationship. Many people are telling me I’m making a mistake in seeking divorce so quickly and that I’ll regret my decision. But this whole experience has taught me I hate my husband, and that I was right to cheat on him on him with my friend that moved away. So, am I the ahole?
Here's what people had to say:
NTA. That was cold, cruel and calculated. The only reason he's saying all that is to try and save face. If you forgive him then he's right that it's "just a piece of plastic" and he'll keep treating you this way. Go through with this divorce. I suspect you'll be much happier.
This. I have chills reading OP’s story because this man is beyond calculating in his cruelty, hypocrisy and trying to control her.
NTA. This man doesn’t respect you more than does he believe in your autonomy or worth. Trust your gut, divorce is not rash and a fair response
Drunkendonkeytail says:
You’re not leaving him over a puzzle, this is a basic incompatibility. He doesn’t accept you as are. He doesn’t respect your differences
Update 1 from OP:
I cheated at the very beginning of our relationship when I was about 22. We were on break so I took this to mean we could see other people but he made sure to bring it up every time we argued.
That final state should’ve been more like “I’ve finally realised I wasn’t in the wrong” Because even he [had relations] with other women while in this break and he made that abundantly clear to me. However, he said that it wasn’t okay for me to do it because it tarnishes my worth
Update 2 from OP:
I’m so thankful for all the support I’ve received in this post, you guys really helped me make a decision on what my next actions should be. Despite how my post portrays him, I don’t believe my husband to be an abusive man.
The post is not an overview of our marriage, just one specific day that happened to be a breaking point for me. A lot of people have said that me and my husband don’t seem to be compatible and I have also come to realise this. I think we worked better as friends than as a married couple and I wish him all the best in life.
Secondly, many people have said I stopped posting and replying once “the truth came out”. My husband throughout our marriage has never once downloaded Reddit telling me that it’s for “chronically online nerds” so I think the chances of him downloading Reddit and seeing this post is very slim.
It has come to my attention that someone has been messaging people telling them that I was unfaithful throughout our entire marriage which is very untrue because both me and my husband to my knowledge have been loyal to each other full the 6 years we have been married.
The person posting in the comments claiming to be my husband is an internet troll and probably found our names by looking at my previous comments and posts which have now been set to private. Once again thank you for all the support and advice. I don’t know how to express my gratitude.
Later the post got reposted, OP found it, and got into arguements with commenters. Here are some highlights:
You say all this s%$# yet have yet to prove you put any effort in at all. How come you constantly turned down his requests to go out? Maybe he wanted to do something with you. Maybe that’s why he got mad at your hobby. Cause you didn’t want to partake in his so why would he partake in yours. Also there’s no such thing as a “break” in a marriage.
You can’t just decide that the marriage is over before a divorce. That’s not how any of that works. You either get a divorce or stay together. No “well maybe let’s see” no. You’re not as righteous as you think you are and YOU come out of this story looking like a piece of shit. You’re saying you’re happy you cheated on him regardless of anything that’s never okay.
The only time that would be okay is abuse which you’ve stated he wasn’t abusive. And you’re so quick to dismiss the person claiming to be your ex husband in the comments but do you know it’s not them or are you just assuming it’s not like you constantly make assumptions.
Mother_Negotiation42 OP responded:
1. Where in that post did I say that I refused to go out with him? I simply stated that those kind of meetings do not interest me as they did him and therefore I didn’t participate in them as often as he liked. You’ve somehow created and spun a narrative that was never there
2. Secondly, you’ve been feeding around and investigating my posts but have somehow missed vitally how me and my husband were not married while on break. As stated before, this was at the beginning of our relationship when I was around 22 and we were fresh out of university. Neither of us were sure on what we wanted and we decided that we’d take a break for a few months and then reconnect.
And also, while this was not the case with me and my husband at the time of the break, many married couples do separate without legally divorcing. Please do your research before you come whining on a subreddit with untrue and guilt-driven questions. You’re so so clearly affected by this. Please search deep within for why the post upsets you so much and then get back to me
3. The person in the comments is NOT my husband. You guys want to claim my post is unrealistic but what is even more unrealistic is my husband who has never taken an interest in Reddit before, somehow finding the post I’ve made on an anonymous account within hours of it being posted and then commenting lies.
My post is not an overview of our entire marriage, this was just a breaking point for me. My husband is not a malicious man just what he did here was quite cruel and calculated. This particular person is EMOTIONALLY invested. Please go outside. The way you’re almost angry on his behalf tells me you either a very bad partner yourself or suffering from sort of guilt conscience.
No. You’re just wrong on all accounts. I never looked at any other posts you’ve made. Only this one. And okay then. I can flip that first point on you. What if he wasn’t interested in doing puzzles with you?
And yes you did refuse to do anything with him like his hobbies. Otherwise you would’ve bonded with him with his hobbies. You didn’t want to bond with him so he didn’t want to bond with you. It’s a two way street
Really Bri?????? James just sent me this. You really brought this to a petty group instead of talking to me?
Mother_Negotiation42 OP responded:
Who is this? Where are you receiving this information?
You can read more in the source links, but things go a bit cold after this. Wild!