Woman does nothing to prevent husband from cheating with 20-something 'work wifey.' AITA?
"AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my (F35) husband (M35) from cheating with his 'work-wifey' (F25)?"
So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed:
-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.
-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.
-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.
I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was, but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head.
He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).
I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up.
She is very “youthful” and “quirky," her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up.
I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type, ”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that."
I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe (?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts.
Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid.
Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?
Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations.
I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.
AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
s-nicolexo said:
NTA but I would be having a conversation with your husband about it and telling him how you feel. Whether he’s initiating the conversation or flirting or not doesn’t really matter if he’s entertaining the conversation regardless.
His colleague is bold, that’s for sure, I can’t believe she had the audacity to introduce herself to you as his”work wife” and then turned around to talk badly about you to your husband.
Shot-Detective8957 said:
Who calls themselves a manic pixie dreamgirl? Is she 15?
usa_unknbiologist said:
The "work-wifey" and "work-hubby" crap needs to be shut down now. It's totally inappropriate and your husband needs to put an end to it. Ask him how he would feel if you were engaging in this behavior with another man.
RedSAuthor said:
This is not about nipping in the bud or claiming your territory. This is about you telling your husband that his relationship with his coworker is making you uncomfortable. That's how grown-ups communicate.
His response will tell you if he is willing to pursue this emotional affair or if he will put your feelings and your marriage first. Your husband might be ignorant or enjoying the thrill, but by staying quiet, you are setting a trap to see if he will fall for it. For that ESH.
therealzacchai said:
I think you have a chance to help your husband get off the quicksand and back on solid ground. "Husband, I noticed your coworker calls you her work-hubby. Are you okay with that? Because you need to know I am not okay with it."
Some workplaces have a semi-toxic environment that normalizes this kind of emotional adultery. First time someone called me their "work-wife," I shut that down real quick.
Lieutenant_Horn said:
Strong, trusting, lasting marriages are built on communication. Her interactions with your husband are making you uncomfortable. Communicate that to him in an appropriate way. You’re both adults.
Time to have an adult conversation. That is part of your responsibility as a spouse. Yes, one person can be responsible for a marriage failing but it takes both parties to have a successful one. Quit being lazy.
Ok-Memory-3350 said:
NTA, your husband is, though. If their relationship makes you uncomfortable I’d say something and not in an ultimatum sense, just mentioning you didn’t feel great after meeting her and witnessing their interactions. It all depends on how he responds to you having an open and honest conversation with him.
If he is defensive and insists on continuing the behavior, then you probably should reevaluate your commitment to each other. I know that if my husband had a colleague he referred to as “work wife” it would make me very upset and would be a deal breaker for our relationship if he insisted on maintaining that status.
UPDATE:
So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her.
QUESTION: "What was the text conversation? Does he ever share those with you? Ask him and tell him you are asking because you got vibes from her and are concerned about her mental health?"
ANSWER: "Well she asked why he was ignoring her this weekend and if it was because I made him because “wives are usually jealous of her once they met her”. She asked if I talked about her at all and my husband seemed genuinely surprised said that I didn’t talk about her or the party at all because we left early. She called me boring again and he said that this was the second time she disrespected me and that he didn’t appreciate it but thought she was joking the first time."
"Then she again told him that she didn’t think we were a good fit and was surprised to see how I was because we didn’t seem to have a lot in common and she talked about gaming and music.
"He said it was shallow minded to believe having the same superficial interests equals having a lot in common and laughed. She called me boring again and he said that she was great at her work and all but that she shouldn’t text him privately again. He stopped answering afterwards."
Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though.
We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.