Woman doesn't support MIL's declaration that 'your baby doesn't look like you', ruining dinner.
AITA for not supporting my MIL's argument that my baby doesn't look like me?
Ok_Ice_4230 says:
I'm not sure what crawled up my MIL's a%#, but she and I got along so well before I got pregnant. She called me her daughter, came over to see me all the time, called me randomly to just talk, told me she loves me all the time, etc.
But after I got pregnant, something switched in her. She stopped calling. She never said "I love you" back when I said it. She only came over to see my husband, and 9 times out of 10, it was trying to get him out of the house to go with her. Barely gives me a hello/goodbye in passing.
She even tried staying in the labor and delivery room after she was already told no because "her baby needs support" and clung to my husband's arm—several times trying to get him to go sit on the couch with her instead of standing by me where he was (she was kicked out by nurses).
Since I had my daughter 3 months ago, she has come over a good 10-15 times and has literally only held my kid twice. She just follows my husband around everywhere and still tries to get him to leave with her to go do chores/tasks for her (changing tires, changing oil, fixing her computer, moving around her house, etc etc etc).
Honestly, none of that bothers me nearly as much as her comments about how my daughter looks nothing like me and looks exactly like HER and my husband. For a bit of context, my husband looks nothing like his mom. He is a spitting image of his father. His mom is short, blonde, brown eyes. He is super tall, black hair, green eyes.
You can't tell they are related at all. But she insists my daughter looks just like her and my husband and nothing like me. She's made these comments more times than I can count, and I just give a "yeah okay Becky" and leave it.
But yesterday I hosted a dinner for the family and obviously invited her. She shows up with a scrapbook album with a bunch of photos of her and my husband from birth to present. She was showing/telling everyone who would listen that my daughter was "basically not even mine if you go off of looks."
My husband spoke up a few times with a clipped "she actually looks just like my wife," but his mom didn't acknowledge him. But then she got to my mom, and my mom, being a "no bullsh%t" woman, said, "Are you blind, or are you just being ignorant? That girl looks just like my daughter and nothing like you.
Kinda weird to me that you are desperately pushing the narrative that the baby looks like your son AND you, considering your son looks nothing like you either." No one in the house said anything, but a few of them were chuckling. My husband also didn't say anything, but he looked more like a deer in headlights than anything.
My MIL then left. She group-texted my husband and me later on, saying she will never forgive us for not defending her against my mom "making a scene and embarrassing her in front of everyone." I don't feel bad. My husband does. AITA?
OP added some extra context:
She has 4 kids. My husband is the youngest (he's 27). Her two daughters have 1 child each, both 12-year-old girls. Her other son has 5 kids. She takes her daughters' kids once a month. She has never made a conscious effort with any of her other son's kids, outside of his oldest (9F).
She doesn't act like this with her other kids at all. She acts uninterested altogether. Ages: (not sure if it's relevant) MIL is 61. My mom is 44. My husband and I are both 27.
Here are some of the top comments:
Alternative_Cash_736 says:
This is the second " My MIL is doing weird, emotional-incest stuff to her youngest child/ my husband right after I get pregnant" story I've seen in 2 days.
IamIrene says:
Here's your answer. She is feeling pushed out and this situation spoke loud and clear where she stands with your family. It seems to me she has been trying to reassert herself as part of the family, she's doing it all the wrong ways but this is what it sounds like to me.
Your MIL's generation has a terrible time communicating in general and she seems to be falling directly into the path of passive aggression. NTA (Not the A%^hole).
throwawaynemoomen says:
NTA. Your mom called a spade a spade. If you would have done anything, she would have gaslit the hell out of you. However, having your mother, basically her peer, call her out in front of everything, holding back none of the niceties, either you or your husband would have had, put your MIL in her place.
Just look, she can't even call your mother out, because she knows she would not hold back and has no reason to continue to have a good relationship with her, however, you and your husband do. So, she blames the both of you, probably really you for not defending her craziness.
In her defense, a really small defense, it must have been hard having a son that looked nothing like her. So, in a way, this was a do over, where she could have a piece of her in your child.
However, it really made no sense, because she tried to loop her son into it, where he looks nothing like her. But I guess she can't handle the fact that now her son has a full family, so she won't have such a close relationship anymore. Did I mention NTA OP?
Disastrous-Nail-640 says:
NTA. “My mother simply ended the scene you started. Funny that you think your son should have defended you from my mother when my mother was doing exactly the same thing by defending me from your negative comments.”
And then don’t welcome her back into your home until she can respect you. And if your husband can’t understand this, then he needs help.
IllTemperedOldWoman says:
NTA. You took her baby away for real now. She also wanted to continue being central to her baby's world. This particular actual baby you guys just had put an end to that. The transition from center of the family to literally being alone on the periphery is a hard one.
But it's not on you how she is coping/not coping with it. Be kind though. There isn't a mother who raised good kids that launched into the world, that won't feel that pain one day.
What do you think? Should OP have defended her MIL?