My friend's girlfriend only wants to talk to me about my race, and I told her it was really creepy. Now my friend's think I'm being weird about race.
I (25f) have a group of friends, all aged 24-26, totaling 8 in our group, which includes a guy I'll refer to as "Nick." Nick has been dating a girl named "Josie" (24) for about 8 to 9 months, and he introduced her to the group approximately 6 months ago.
Both Josie and I are of mixed race, while the rest of the group is white. However, ever since Josie joined our group, she has been making inappropriate comments regarding racial matters towards me. These comments include asking why all my friends are white, inquiring about my mother's African background, and making remarks about my hair, such as advising against straightening it.
I've always tried to divert the conversation away from these topics and brush it off with a laugh, but Josie continues to bring them up frequently. Nick insists that she is merely attempting to find her place within the friend group, but I fail to understand why she cannot get to know me, or any of us, as individuals instead of constantly bringing up this irrelevant shared characteristic.
I also pointed out to Nick that Josie and I may both be of African descent, but we are from different countries in Africa with vastly different cultures. Even if I were raised in an African culture, which I was not, it would still be quite different from hers. Additionally, her comments make me uncomfortable.
This past weekend, during a boat outing, we were discussing school, and I mentioned that one of the schools I attended had a predominantly Asian student body. Josie asked if there were any black students in my year, to which I responded affirmatively but noted that I didn't know them well.
She then asked if I thought they didn't consider me "black enough" to be friends with. Whether it was that specific comment or the numerous previous ones, I suddenly felt an overwhelming anger that she had once again turned a conversation in which everyone was participating into a discussion about race for no apparent reason.
I told her, "No, Josie, that's not the reason we weren't friends. Frankly, the only person I've ever met who seems obsessed with my racial identity is you. And just so you know, it's really creepy." Josie tried to apologize, but I informed her that the only apology I wanted was for the topic of race not to be brought up again. My boyfriend intervened and changed the subject.
Later, Nick took me aside and mentioned that I had deeply upset Josie and that she was just trying to connect with me. He mentioned that she has experienced some form of racial trauma (without providing details) and that by embarrassing her, I had made her uncomfortable.
I expressed to him that it was not my responsibility to be Josie's emotional support or "colored" friend and questioned what it said about how he viewed me if he believed I should be. Now, Nick is upset with me, believing I implied he is racist, and two of our friends have taken his side. I don't believe I was wrong in wanting Josie to treat me with the same respect as everyone else, but it appears that some people consider my response harsh. Do you think I was out of line?
Do you agree with these top comments?
NTA (Not the A%#hole). I don't see what else you could have done. Josie constantly badgers you about your race, and when you call her out on it, it becomes evident that some of your friends' unexamined white racism is surfacing.
They expect you to be the one responsible for managing the feelings of the only other mixed-race person in the group and think you shouldn't disrupt the status quo by pointing out how bizarre it all is. It's a messy situation, but you're not the one who created it.
She keeps subtly implying you’re white washed, I would be beyond annoyed. NTA.
I am also biracial, half black. Why is Josie so obsessed with you not hanging out with more black people, when she herself has joined a mostly white social group and is dating a white person as well? It sounds like she is projecting her insecurities. Date and hang out with whomever you want. NTA.
'What do you think? Should OP have just let Josie ask her questions, or was she right to tell her to stop being "creepy."