Woman DONE comforting brother after his wife's SECOND AFFAIR; 'Don't come into my HOUSE.' AITA? UPDATED

When this woman is done with her brother, she asks the internet:

"AITAH for not comforting my brother after his wife's second affair?"

About 9 years ago, my brother's wife left him for another man, she was cheating on him all that time. My brother was devastated, they had married very young (I was always against it), I had my brother in my apartment for months.

He had fallen into a severe depression and I was the one who paid for his psychologist since he didn't had money and even lost his job because he didn't even wanted to move from the couch or bath, I EVEN GAVE HIM A BATH.

I wasn't bothered by that, I did everything for my brother. She just left and blocked him from everywhere, She simply confessed to him that she had been cheating on him for a year and that she was in love with that man.

Four years after that, when my brother was finally starting to feel better, she reappeared in everyone's life. The typical thing happened: she and her lover were no longer together, she had begun to receive psychological help and changed completely, she felt regretful, she was really sorry, etc.

I told my brother all the time to cut off contact with her for the sake of his mental health; He didn't. I always had a bad feeling and I could smell the s from afar, he started to justify her past actions all the time by saying that she changed, they were too young, she was having problems, etc and he got angry when I told him that she is still a b.

Shortly after that, they got back together and my brother cut off all contact with me because I 'didn't accept their relationship and he didn't wanted anyone to come between them' I told him to f off and we didn't talked anymore.

NOW My brother has reappeared at my house, after years without him wanting to talk to me, only to tell me that his wife cheated on him again but this time they have children.

In the past I would have let him in, hugged him and everything but he has gone years without even inviting me to meet his children, he has not even spoken to me to congratulate me on my marriage or on my pregnancy, I even invited him to my wedding and he didn't come.

I told him that at this moment I can't let him be in my house (which is actually true because I can't have that kind of stress).

He told me that we are siblings and he needs me but I told him that I needed him too but he was never there and he cut me off for that woman. We had an argument and my husband ended up kicking him out because I was already crying.

He's staying with our parents now and my mother just tells me it's not the time to hold a grudge against him and he needs me but I can't forget how he didn't think twice before cutting off all contact with me for her.

Before we give you OP's update, let's look at some top responses and comments from OP:

Relevant Comments:

Not understanding why people go back to cheaters like that:

OOP: I don't understand it either, but the truth is that he had never gotten over that relationship. My brother went back to her because she basically sweetened his ear with things like that she was getting psychological help, that she was sorry for everything. She even came to tell me that she was really sorry for everything.

Commenter: (downvoted) You were way too involved in your brother’s life. You bathed him because he was depressed???

OOP: "Way too Involved" No, i was giving him the support he needed. Some people are so depressed that they even need help bathing. I'm a nurse, I've taken care of people in the same state or even people who needed help eating or brushing their teeth.

faletty writes:

NTA. I will never understand why people who broke off a relationship will get back together. Does your brother want to get his heart crushed again? It's ALWAYS after the relationship fails that the cheating person comes back because they can't be bothered to go through the effort to date again.

Normally, people who cheat will always cheat and won't usually change. It can happen, but it's honestly not a risk I'd ever want to take. He should've listened to you the first time about completely cutting her off, he didn't, and now he has to deal with that.

He's a grown man, and as much as I can sympathize with him, he's not putting himself first. He never gave you congratulations when you went through the happiest moments in your life. He wasn't there for that or offered his praises. He only wants something when HE needs it, on HIS terms.

I would go LC and not worry too much about him. He chose his cheating spouse who broke his heart over his sister who bathed him when he couldn't even do that and gave him everything he needed to get back on his feet.

IF the relationship ends again, and she leaves him for the AP AND you take him in, what if that cycle all repeats and he ghosts, etc. etc. I would feel so drained, exhausted, and abused that someone just thought I was an ATM, free shelter, and free therapy.

Not to mention, you have a family to worry about now. That will come first before him. If he's not trying to better himself, there's nothing in the world, no amount of money, you can do that would help him.

aaghuy writes:

Nta family is a two way street, otherwise it’s just a form of stockholms syndrome. Plus you have your own family now, which you need to nurture, and your own life that needs care.

“Mom, I understand why you are saying what you are saying and I am glad he has you as a support. However, I am not some kind of robot that he can turn on and off when he needs me.

I was there for him before, including telling him I’m that this day would come. The fact that you don’t seem to understand this has me worried that you somehow don’t see what I have been going through.

I take no pleasure that she’s doing what I thought she would, but it doesn’t change the fact that despite our history and that fact that I was there for him when he needed me most, he threw me away like trash out of loyalty to a woman who had betrayed him in the worst possible way and left him utterly devastated.

I mean, he couldn’t even bathe himself - I did it for him. There have been so many times over the years when I needed my brother, and he chose not to show up. There is just not a lot left there to build a relationship on - he is a stranger now.

If he is really serious about rekindling a relationship with me, there is a way to do it. But it is not instantaneous and it is not guaranteed and it will involve a lot of rebuilding trust. Honestly, I just don’t see it ever being what it was.

However, he doesn’t just get to show up out of the blue expecting immense amounts of time and energy from a person already hurting AND currently using that time and energy to grow a fg person, all to heal his own self inflicted wounds.

This is not how it works, and it is not holding a grudge, it is protecting a heart that has not really healed from further damage. I just don’t understand how you can trivialize my pain and the giant wrenching hole he left behind as some kind of petty vendetta.

Not only is he expecting to walk right back into my life as though he never left, with no regard for what might be happening in my own life or if I am in a place to give him what he needs -

so many years have passed in which he has never even shown up when it was easy, in times of joy, much less in times of strife or to ease the immense pain he caused, which he has never acknowledged or attempted to make amends for.

This is also not holding a grudge, this is speaking from a place of fear that someone who cares so little about me and yet expects so much won’t drain me dry and then leave me all over again. And now it is not just me, but also a family that I am building.

I don’t understand why you want to help him to do this - I thought that we were family.”

If she is the kind to listen when you tell her not to interrupt, then tell her face to face or over the phone. If not, then send it as a text or email.

aghayu2 writes:

NTA. He isn’t homeless - he’s living with your parents. At no point did you mention an apology or how he wants to make amends; he just wants free housing and therapy. Your relationship isn’t at that level.

If he wishes to reconnect, it starts with an apology, and then you can slowly start to rebuild it as he makes amends and you learn to have trust in him. This will take years.

Relationships are RECIPROCAL, and he’s done a lot of damage by not showing up to your wedding, sending birthday greetings, introducing you to your niblings, celebrating and mourning life events, or behaving like he gives a shit about you in general.

If he wants back in to your life after an extended period of No Contact, it’s going to be A LOT of work, and you might not have the energy or bandwidth to deal with it at this time if you are pregnant or have young children.

What HE NEEDS isn’t really all that important. You were wronged, and the relationship needs to be repaired IF you want it repaired. Bluntly, he has a history of bad decision making and personal disloyalty, so your life might be better without his angst and drama.

He’s a big boy, and maybe the two of you should attend some therapy sessions together on his dime. If he can’t afford it do to having other priorities, that tells you the relationship isn’t a priority right now.

In the meantime, remind yourself that it isn’t a GRUDGE - it’s a BOUNDARY. He’s someone who didn’t even come to your wedding or demand that his cheating partner put in the work to show she had actually changed by taking accountability

(because she hadn’t changed / she just didn’t want to be reminded of the fact she cheats instead of communicates) so your safe space needs to stay your safe space while he shows you he’s worth having in your life.

And if he needs to lay on a couch grieving his stupidity, maybe he needs to do an inpatient treatment thing instead. He’s not a child and you aren’t his mommy. He’s got a lot of work to do. Good luck.

aghayu writes:

NTA. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You have a husband and family now, and they are Priority One. That includes engaging in self-care so that you can both be well just for yourself, and you can be who they need you to be.

Why is it that the person who gets treated badly always has to be the one to suck it up and keep the peace? Why can't it be the one who acted badly who ever gets told

"You know, you're creating a lot of problems with your behavior towards your sister. Why don't you let her alone and seek solace elsewhere? At least apologize for blocking her on everything, now that you can see she was right all along about your cheating harridan of a wife?"

I mean, seriously, did the man even apologize for cutting you off, after finally having his eyes opened that you were correct about his wife the entire time? He has a lot of nerve thinking that you'll just drop everything to almost literally baby him, after he has ghosted you, never introduced you to his children, etc.

And you're MARRIED now and expecting. In what universe does he think it's OK to just flounce back into your life like nothing ever happened, and have you as his 24/7 nursemaid, when you have obligations to a spouse and to your own physical and mental health? How exactly does he think that's going to work?

Let him run to the people he's actually been speaking to all these years. You're under no obligation to drop your entire life and cater to him.

And anyone who doesn't like it can flake off. Let THEM baby him. You've done your part.

Update 1:

I have spoken to my mother because she kept trying to persuade me to talk to my brother, she came to see me since I cannot move too much.

She basically told me that my brother is very sorry and I told her that then he should tell me that and not her, but my mother replied that my brother is too embarrassed about his actions, but I told her that I am not going to let her be any kind of mediator and my brother is old enough to speak for himself, I know he was sending her to insist that I talk back to him, my brother is an adult and can speak for himself.

That said, two days ago my brother came to my house to talk about everything. He told me something that I always knew which is that he never got over his ex-wife and he was always totally blind for her, he believed that all of us who were against...

him coming back to her were toxic and he should cut us out of his life because we were an obstacle that didn't believe people can change so that's what he did with me, block me from his life.

He said that he feels ashamed of himself for having been so blind since she cheated on him again. I never told him 'I told you so' nor am I going to, 'Cause he already knows that.

There were many people worried about whether their children were his, but I can assure everyone that they are, they look identical to him and luckily she was maybe faithful at that time.

Anyway, after talking he apologized to me and told me that he needs me but I told him the same thing as that day; I needed him too and he was never there, I forgive him for everything but that doesn't mean that I want to go back to everything

being like before because I don't want to put myself in that situation again, he didn't even tell me what he's going to do with his wife and I don't want the situation to repeat.

I never did anything expecting something in return but it did hurt me a lot that he turned his back on me without thinking twice and only came back when things got bad for him.

I had invited him to my wedding maybe foolishly believing that he would come but he didn't even do that, I even kept a seat for him thinking he was maybe coming late and I feel really dumb for doing that.

I told him I'm sorry but I want things to continue as before since I got used to not having him in my life and I don't trust that he won't use me as a nurse and therapist anymore. At first he didn't understand it and said that we are silbings and we should be united but when I told him that he forgot that for years, he shut up.

So that's it, I simply told him that I prefer to continue without contact with him as before and I have made it clear to my mother that I want to spend these months peacefully. Maybe some will call me cruel and say I should think about my family but I'm not going to let him treat me like she treated him.

Relevant Comment:

To a heavily downvoted commenter in a back and forth exchange with a lot of assumptions on the commenter's part (only included because I liked OOP's response)

OOP: I'm going to tell you just one thing because I'm not interested in reading your comment: adult people talk about things face to face and don't hide behind their mother.