Woman is done with husband's 'help' around the house, 'his helping is a NIGHTMARE.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband I’m done with his 'help' around the house?"
My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been together for eight years and married for five. We both work full-time, so we’ve always split household chores. But here’s the thing: his version of “helping” is a nightmare.
For example, I’ll ask him to “help” with laundry. He’ll agree, but instead of sorting things like delicates or checking pockets, he just throws everything into the washer on one setting.
This has ruined clothes and stained things beyond repair. Same thing happens in the kitchen. He “helps” by making a mess while cooking, but he leaves everything piled up in the sink, and somehow manages to dirty every dish and pan.
I’ve tried teaching him, suggesting easier ways, even leaving little checklists, but he always says he “knows what he’s doing” and dismisses my advice. I end up spending double the time either fixing what he did or doing things over from scratch. And whenever I bring it up, he says he’s “trying his best” or accuses me of being too picky and controlling.
This came to a head recently when he “helped” me by cleaning up our living room right before my friends came over. I thought he’d done a great job—until one of my friend's found my birth control pills in the junk drawer because he decided to “tidy” by throwing everything into random places. I was embarrassed, but when I told him, he laughed it off.
So, last night I told him I’m done with his “help” and would rather just do everything myself if he’s not willing to do things properly. He got upset, saying he’s just trying to make things easier for me and now I’m “criticizing him for helping.” Now he’s barely speaking to me, and I’m feeling conflicted. AITA for telling my husband to stop “helping” if he can’t do things right?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Consistent-Leopard71 said:
NTA. However, you did exactly what he wanted. His strategy was weaponized incompetence. He intentionally did a bad job, until you stopped asking him to help do his part as a member of your household.
Consistent-Leopard71 said:
NTA. However, you did exactly what he wanted. His strategy was weaponized incompetence. He intentionally did a bad job, until you stopped asking him to help do his part as a member of your household.
Customisable_Salt said:
YTA to yourself if you allow yourself to be played like this. This was exactly what he was aiming for and you shouldn't let him away with such blatant disrespect and manipulation.
Minky29 said:
NTA. Ah the good old weaponized incompetence. He got what he wanted, but is sulking to hide his satisfaction.
derrymaine14 said:
NTA, but you shouldn't take on everything around the house. Definitely not!what he does is weaponized incompetence, and that's terrible. Hit him where he hurts. For example, ask him to pay for help. Or you can ruin his clothes, his stuff. And refuse to buy new ones. You'll figure it out. But definitely not what you're suggesting!
Tangerine_Bouquet said:
NTA but split off chores--like his laundry--that you don't rely on. He can ruin his own clothes (although I know it does probably still cause hassle and cost for you too). His weaponized incompetence needs to be a problem for him and not for you as much as possible.
IntelligentAbies7903 said:
NTA. But it sounds like weaponized incompetence. He could be purposely doing things badly so that you'll stop asking for help and do everything yourself.
Normal-Height-8577 said:
NTA. He's not helping and he's not making things easier for you. In fact, he's actively making more work, because you have to follow round repairing things or buying replacements for stuff he's ruined, and putting everything in its actual home/where you can find it when he's hidden it away instead of tidied.