Woman is embarrassed by husband's daughter, 'her clothes are dirty and she stinks.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband his daughter is embarrassing me?"

Yesterday I (30F) was chilling at home with my MIL, talking and drinking coffee. When husband (37M) arrived, he asked me if I would take his daughter (12F) shopping for a dress. A little bit of context, when he was younger my husband had a relationship with a woman, let's call her Sarah and they had Mary their daughter.

He was having his rebel phase, going against his parents with this relationship but it did not last. He realized they are way too different as individuals and broke up when Mary was 3. I met my husband 6 years ago and we got married 4 years ago. Our relationship is amazing and I get along extremely well with my in laws.

I was immediately accepted into the family and my MIL treats and introduces me to people as her daughter. As you can imagine this has caused a lot of drama with Sarah because she never received the same treatment from the family but truthfully speaking she is not someone you wish to have in your social circle.

Mary and I get along good. Everyone is on the same page that she has a mother and that I am not trying to replace her, I am just her father's wife. However she spends most of her time with her mom and Sarah is teaching her extreme hippy bs like she should not abide by the expectations society has on women, she should not feel pressured to act, look or behave as what society considers acceptable and so on.

Mary therefore is allowed by her mom to not shower for days in a row, wear dirty clothes, not brush her teeth or hair. This has become her way of living because she refuses to shower or dress properly all the time. It pains me to say but she could pass as a child experiencing homelessness if you see her on the street due to her appearance.

Back to yesterday, 1 month from now the entire family will attend a gala where my husband will receive an award. It's an important moment in his career and he asked me if I will go with his daughter to buy a dress for the event. I told him honestly that I prefer not to.

I explained that I really feel embarrassed being seen with Mary in public. She dresses horrible and most of the time her clothes are dirty, she stinks and does not brush her hair.

MIL agreed and mentioned to my husband that it would be best if Mary does not attend this event because she will make us look bad in front of all the people that will be present. I was on my MIL's side. Husband was sad but he also agreed with us and mentioned he will think about it. AITA?

UPDATE:

I will clarify some on the most common asked questions: First of all I apologize if I offended people by mentioning the hippie feminist part. I do not think that all feminists have poor hygiene and I admit it was bad wording on my part. Being a feminist is what Mary's mother uses to describe herself and justify her parenting style.

Some people found that showering for 2-3 days is not a problem. Mary spends every 2 weekends with my husband in our house and so during his time he picks her up on Friday and drops her off on Sunday. I noticed that during her time with us, those 2-3 days she refuses to shower but I have no idea what she is doing when she is with her mother.

For those saying it is not that bad and I am overreacting, I am actually not. 2-3 days going without a shower may not be a problem when you are an adult that spends the day working in an office and moving around in a car with AC, but for a 12 year old who has a lot of activities, hormonal changes and does not wear deodorant, trust me it is bad.

As as 12 years old Mary is not to blame for for lack of hygiene. I agree, her parents are to blame and I understood that my husband needs to step up or decide what he wants to do. Many people asked why I don't take Mary with me for a girl's day, spa, mani-pedi. Her mother does not agree with it.

She expressed multiple times that (in her opinion) the women in our family promote unhealthy women standards and she forbid her daughter ever engaging in such activities. What was my stance and input in helping Mary. As most of you probably realized, I don't have many options at hand.

I have bought her a lot of natural, organic, vegan and cruelty free products, I have read and explained each label to her but she does not want to use them. I don't think Mary is being abused or neglected by her mother in a traditional way that CPS could be involved. She is not neglected, she is just given too much power to decide as a 12y over her hygiene.

Why I am so concerned for my image and reputation - because this is how I was raised and I refuse to have my reputation damaged in our social circle due to a kid that it's not even mine and due to the lack of involvement from her parents. My MIL is not influencing me at all, we just share the same opinions, values and concerns.

That being said, today I will sit my husband down and have a conversation with him. I will clearly inform him what my stance over this entire situation is and what I expect to happen. The rest it is up to him to decide.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

wxst3d said:

YTA- you’re focused on appearance / how others will see you, instead of the situation at hand. This child is being neglected, in terms of personal hygiene. Bad teeth care will likely cause horrible problems down the line (e.g cavities, loosing teeth, etc).

She is a little girl. She doesn’t know better. She is just following the guidance of her mom. When you’re a kid, you don’t know better. You see embarrassment. I see neglect.

Why is your husband not doing anything, when she is in his care? Why is your husband not petitioning the court to get more time with her? Is it because you’re too worried about appearance? Maybe look in the mirror and see what you’re missing, respectfully. This girl deserves better care, I hope y’all do something.

yokononope said:

ESH - except Mary. You couldn’t possibly come off as more condescending, your husband was a 25 year old grown man when he had his child, hardly a teenager going through a rebel phase.

The level of exaggeration makes it hard for me to know how accurate your description of Mary’s state is, but YTA for being embarrassed of a child. Your MIL is TA for the same reason. Your Husband is the TA for allowing his child to be belittled like this and her mother is TA if indeed the child is being neglected to the point of stinking.

ResponsibleForce7878 said:

NTA - "Sarah" is right. You don't have to conform to what society considers 'normal'. However, in doing so, you also have to accept that no-one has to interact with that behavior. OP isn't the girl's mother. It's not her responsibility. She's vocalized what everyone else is thinking.

It's now up to the girl's father to sort it out. Well done OP for being the voice of reason. I just hope someone explains to "Mary" why her lack of hygiene is going to exclude her from future events and also the detrimental affect it could cause to her health. I hope "Mary" likes dentists!

Pellinaha said:

If you go through the comment - while OPs step kid could do with upping up her hygiene, the opening post is grossly exaggerated. The kid seems to do well in school, going to dentists, etc. - what she occasionally does is weaing a shirt two to three times a row which while not great is hardly making you look like you live in skid row.

OP comes off as snobby and is clearly looking down on the kid's mom / the kid. "Classy ladies" (like you have called yourself, OP) don't need to look down on others. You are creating a problem where there isn't any and you are not classy. YTA.

-chocolate-teapot- said:

YTA. I didn't know that being a judgemental snob was synonymous with being a "classy lady." Armpit hair doesn't automatically make a person dirty, not washing for a couple of days won't make a person look "homeless," thrift shop clothes can be better quality than your designer labels.

It seems like you are overly concerned with the opinions of others and appearances, I think you really need to work on yourself. You have judged your stepdaughter's mother for being "uneducated" when you couldn't come across as more vapid and bereft of real personality if you were trying.

All the hair treatments in the world can't put in what got left out so to speak. I think the real reason you are so preoccupied with Sarah is because you envy her - even though you probably would never openly admit it.

mithrril said:

YTA - I find it less and less likely that your step-daughter actually looks like a homeless child and has extremely poor hygiene. You made it sound in the OP like she was a feral child covered in dirt but each follow-up shows that you ARE being judgmental and trying to push your aesthetic on the kid.

You talk about how she never showers but then say that she actually just showers every 2-3 days, which is pretty normal and not the same thing as never showering. You say she looks dirty and basically feral, but then you say that she's actually just wearing thrifted clothes that are baggy.

You act like you aren't concerned with forcing her to be girly but just concerned for her, but then you go on about how her mother is a bad example because she has unshaved armpits.

Unshaved armpits? That's entirely normal. You say she never brushes her teeth but regularly goes to the dentist and gets treatment. I'm willing to bet that she does brush her teeth, just not as often as you'd like and maybe only once a day.

Everything you've clarified in the comments shows that you are far more concerned about appearances and how people will look at you than if your step-daughter is happy, healthy and able to express herself. Wearing thrifted clothes, having unruly hair, not shaving and showering multiple times a week is not how you originally described the girl. She sounds normal, or at least not unhealthy, to me.

SwimmingProgram6530 said:

NTA. But her Dad needs to speak to Mary about the event and tell he he would love her to go but she needs clean up. I’m sure Mary’s hygiene is gonna cause problems with other people her age if she smells and has bad breath. Kids can be really cruel and her Dad is doing her a disservice by ignoring the situation.

Impossible-Most-366 said:

YTA for making the father exclude his daughter. I know you’re not there to educate the child, and the father should tell Mary that there is a dress code, like it or not, and that if she doesn’t care how she dresses she could as well dress beautifully, however you should be available to support him and to help this child get another perspective at life.