'My ex-husband who cheated on me with my sister emailed me after 6 years.'
When this woman is horrified to hear from her ex-husband, she asks the internet:
"My ex-husband who cheated on me with my sister emailed me after 6 years. AITA?"
My ex-husband who cheated on me with my sister emailed me after 6 years I (33F) met my ex-husband, Dan (40F) almost 15 years ago at a restaurant when I was celebrating my 18th birthday. He was really nice, charming and mature.
He made me feel loved and special. For some context, I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My mom and dad used to always fight. My dad would sometimes go out and not come back for months.
He died when my sister Abby (25F) was born. My mom was way too fond of Abby since her birth rather than me. Abby was basically babied by my mother. She didn't neglect me at all, always did her best as a mother and provided for me but I always felt sometime missing.
After Dan came to my life I didn't feel like there was something missing from me. He supported me, he was caring. He would always buy me gifts and take me out in long drives.
I felt complete when I was with him. We got married after dating for 4 years. I wanted to start a family right away but Dan encouraged me to do my masters and helped me build my career. He wanted us to be in a stable position financially before we start thinking about having kids.
Seriously, he was the best guy I could ever ask for. After 5 years of being happily married, I discovered that my husband was cheating on me with Abby.
I discovered the affair when my husband made an excuse that he will go out of town for a week but he stayed in town and he booked a hotel room where he and Abby can have sex. This has been going on for 6 months behind my back.
I was really devastated. Abby and I were close growing up. I loved her and cared for her. How could she do this to me. After the D-Day dan and I had a fight. I asked how could he do this to me?
That too with my sister who just turned 19? He said he didn't love me anymore, that I don't give him enough attention. That I am not the same girl he fell in love with. Between this mess, I discovered that I was pregnant.
But due to the stress, I lost the baby. He didn't even care enough to visit me at the hospital when I lost OUR child. He was having a weekend getaway with my sister.
I should have seen the signs. Abby would always be touchy with Dan. Dan would sometimes stare at her. But it is still very disturbing for me. My mother as usual took Abby's side and told me to just make peace with it. I wanted to k!ll myself because I had no one left.
Lost my child and my husband, my whole family. Then my bestfriend Tina (my savior) came to my rescue. She was moving to another state and asked me to come with her. I said yes. I was already divorced at that point and we lived in a small town. So, I would obviously run into my ex and my sister.
It took me a while to settle into my new life in a different state but I met some kind people there. It helped me healed some trauma. I still have trust issues. I met my now husband Tony (32M) after one year of moving to the new place.
I was really hesitant and kept my guard up but he showed me that he is trustworthy and loves me a lot. I was so happy with him that I almost forgot about the life I had back in my hometown. His parents were really welcoming and generous people.
We got married a year ago. I am now pregnant with our first child. Yesterday, I got an email from my ex Dan. It just brought back all the bad memories. I am just paraphrasing his email. He mentioned that he misses me. He tried to find me but couldn't. He is very miserable with my sister.
She is very dumb and doesn't care about him like I do. I used to bake him a cake and throw birthdays for him. But Abby only texted him Happy birthday and didn't even bother to buy him a cake. Plus she is very rude, she doesn't respect him, she is always at the bar with her friends.
He also mentioned that she has cheated on him 5 times already. The last affair was with his cousin. Our mother also doesn't stop her. He will soon file for a divorce but lately he has been missing me a lot. He wants us to try again as a couple. He wants us to become a family just like before.
Since I do not have social media except for instagram which is private, he probably doesn't know that I am married and I have a baby on the way. I don't know if I should feel pity for him or just laugh because the grass on his side is very brown rather than green.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
glitteringcom writes:
NTA! Poor, poor Dan; just as self-centered and selfish as he ever was! He didn't care about blowing up your life before, he didn't bother to find out where you are or how you're doing, until it serves him!
He didn't realize that 'if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you' was a truism? He doesn't deserve a reply, but it's entirely up to you. I do kind of like the idea of sending him just a picture of you and your loving husband's wedding ring wearing hands, resting on your pregnant belly;
no message, just a picture, and I wouldn't let him know where I live, or my new last name either; people can do crazy things, and who knows what he may do to try to interfere in your finally joyful life; just to be safe. He doesn't deserve to know anything except that you are 10000% unavailable.
I am overjoyed for your happy life with your precious husband and new baby; protect your happiness with everything; don't even give him the chance to think for one second that you are still waiting for him; of all the arrogant, narcissistic ideas!
Wow! (I am curious as to what your husband thinks, if anything, if you've even told him.) Enjoy your beautiful life with your sweet husband and new baby! I hope it removes all of the pain you have been through, thanks to Dan, Abby, and your mother.
Except for all of the hurt they caused, they actually did you a favor, and the longer you are in your new, joyful, loving life, the more that will be true. The way they all treated you is pretty unforgivable; you don't have to actively hate them, but you don't have to forgive them, unless it's for yourself. Karma's a b**ch!
unseasoned5 writes:
I’m so sorry that these jerks are trying to come back into your life, like they weren’t responsible blowing up your first marriage. Fair warning though, even if they don’t know where you are living at the moment; they seem to have enough audacity to track you down some day.
Make sure you and your husband guarantee, if you ever enroll your kid(s) in daycare, to specifically never allow your mom or sister access to them.
There’s enough horror stories of people who have their level of arrogance and entitlement that find family members who have gone NC and try to pick up/visit that person’s kids behind their back.
I hope you have a happy marriage until the end of time and a healthy pregnancy with a gorgeous baby! With all that you went through and them trying to rear their heads into your life, it would probably benefit you and your family if you were to attend therapy!
There’s no shame in getting as much support and perspective as you can, and it can help you get more tools on how to handle them if they ever pose problems again.
And now, OP's update:
UPDATE: I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who messaged and showed me support. I have decided to send him an email and be done with it. It goes like:
Dan, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering but there is no way I would be with you. Yes, there was a time when I used to be that girl who would have taken you in a heartbeat but that girl is not there anymore.
That girl has died the day I had a miscarriage and you were somewhere shacking up with my sister. I called you but you never picked it up. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and cherishes me.
I am also pregnant with our first child. I am beginning this new chapter of my life with someone I love and care deeply. So, please, do not contact me ever again. You made your choice.
You chose my barely legal sister over me. I do not care if she cheats on you or she doesn't respect you. Someone like you don't deserve loyalty and respect anyways. I have left my old life in my old town.
It will be best for you to move on and have some self reflect on yourself. You are just a deeply insecure man who is getting old and thought having a young woman would be good by your side. Good bye.
OP's 2nd update:
(3 march): A lot of you have been asking me what he replied. Well he replied within an hour of me emailing him. He said that he was stupid enough to believe that I would still wait for him.
And he said he would always wait for me because no matter what I will always be his "baby doll". I cringed hard. He used to call me that but now it feels repulsive. I also got an email from my mom and my sister.
My mom just congratulated me and was excited that she is going to be a grandmother. And my sister also did the same and said she will be the "cool aunt".
I cannot believe these people. They forgot how they treated me when I needed them. And moreover betrayed me. I cried for a long time because I have been reading your comments. And it seems like me and my sister was groomed by that man. I feel so stupid.
I know I shouldn’t be mad at my sister but she was old enough to know it's bad to have an affair with a married man. That too someone who is your sister's husband. I blocked all of them. I am 5 months pregnant already.
I don’t need more stress. God bless my husband. He comforted me when I cried. Later took me out for ice-cream. I hope I can move past this.
Update 3:
I am cooled down now, I think I can make a more elaborate update. Thanks to everyone who has shown me support. I needed it. The email from him (my ex) just struck me like a train. I had flashbacks of everything he has done to me.
I think you guys deserve a detailed update. After I sent him the reply mail, he emailed me within an hour with the thing I said in my update2 part. Few hours later, I get 2 other email from my mom and sister.
They sent me in my old email address that I hardly use now. I don't know how they knew about my pregnancy. I try to keep a low profile. I still haven't posted my baby bump picks on social media or made any announcements. I only have instagram to follow my friends. But it just scared me. I broke down crying on the spot.
Luckily, my husband, Tony was around. He held me and put me on the couch. He knows everything about me. I never hid anything from him. I was a little bit scared that my mom and sister would find me. He reassured me that I am hundreds of miles away from them.
I mean we are on the opposite part of our country. He took me out for ice-cream to comfort me. It took 2 ice-cream cones to finally calm me down lol. I told him about my concerns and that my mom and sister might demand to see my baby (it's a girl).
He told he would talk to his uncle, who is a police officer to be in look out for them. Even if they come here and force themselves on you he would fight for it. He is going to consult his lawyer friend about this matter. And told me not to worry about my ex. He cannot harm me anymore. My husband even made a joke that he would move countries if he have to.
Lastly, someone in my post commented that I should alert the daycare about my mom and sister in case they try to steal my baby. Well, we aren't planning to put her in day care. Even though I am currently working, I decided I would quit my job and look after my baby and focus on healing from giving birth.
I do have a good amount of saving in my personal bank. And this is my own decision. I will go back to work when our little princess is a little bit older. My in-laws are amazing. My MIL and FIL lives nearby. They are both good people and offered to help with my child.
Also, don't worry, apart from my in-laws I have a good support system too. Tina and her wife, Jenny basically adopted me lol. They are really good people and always helped me.
I don't know what will happen in future but at least I am surrounded by some good people that I never had growing up. Now, I will take your leave and enjoy my husband pampering me. If something big happens, I will keep you guys updated. And my ex, sister and mother are all blocked.