Woman excludes step grandchild from grandmother's obituary. AITA?

"AITA For not including a step-“grandchild” in the obituary?"

About a week ago, my maternal grandmother passed away. She had been living with my (F19) family for the past 10 years. It was not unexpected, she was 97, and had been declining in mental and physical health for the past few months, but it was sad nonetheless.

In order to help my parents, especially my mother (F50ish), I offered to help sort out some of the obituary type stuff at the funeral home, who arranges this neat little website obituary thing.

I arranged for in lieu of flowers to donate to an animal shelter where we got our cat who kept her company, and wrote the standard stuff in the obituary about the family.

Now for the family, my grandfather had already passed away, as was my grandmother’s sister. However, she had two children, my mom and her brother (M55ish), my uncle.

So I included that she was survived by my uncle and his wife (F55ish), their two biological kids together/my cousins (M25ish and F23ish), as well as my mom and my father, and my sister (F10ish) and I.

Now, I’m not super close with this side of the family. They live two states away, and both of their children are in their mid-twenties, so we didn’t really grow up together. However, my aunt (related by marriage) has another child (M40ish) from a previous marriage.

I have never met him, my mother has met him once, and I do not think my grandmother has ever actually met him. I understand there was some abuse that precipitated my aunt leaving the marriage that produced the child, but I am not certain of the details.

Unlike my cousins, he never sent birthday or christmas cards to my grandmother or my family, never called her, has a different last name, has not lived with them since before I was born, and no one outside of my mother has actually met him.

My grandmother never mentioned him in her will as a grandchild, and never mentioned him while she was alive, nor did I ever actually hear about him other then a vague knowledge of his existence, so I didn’t include him in the list of grandchildren because it didn’t even cross my mind.

I fully understand family isn’t just blood, but there was nothing to particularly indicate he was interested in being family.

However, my aunt called me raving mad, called me some names I shouldn’t repeat, and told me I needed to include him. I said no, because my grandmother didn’t seem to consider him a grandchild, so I didn’t see it necessary to add it to the obituary. Just to illustrate how little I know, I didn’t even know his name.

So, am I the asshole for not including him? He never called me himself, nor did anyone but my aunt seem to particularly care, and I think I’m in the clear, but maybe I’m missing something.

Let's see what readers thought:

plagghr writes:

YTA. Step children and family should be included.

hsoguwr writes:

You’re NTA for initially not including them, but can become one depending on how you proceed. Have you spoken to your other cousins or your mom to understand this cousin’s relationship with your grandmother?

Just because you don’t know them isn’t really relevant here since you are writing an obituary on behalf of your grandma and the life she led.

We’re any other immediate family members left out of the will, or just this cousin? There may very well be some bad blood there, but I would ask your mom for some more context.

ploatue writes:

YTA, I get that this could have been an oversight but once it was pointed out your reaction was uncalled for.

graouperto writes:

NTA. My late dad passed away, my late brother's (when he was alive at that time) and my name on the obit along with his second wife. She has three sons. But their names weren't on it at all. Nope, no way, no how. Of course our step monster wasn't too happy but tough sh&t.

She wasn't happy to find out that her sons can't sit in the front row at the memorial service. They sat about four rows away. Our mom was in back row upon our request because she's mother of his children.

Step monster wouldn't dare to rise hell because I'd get back at her since I was very angry at her after I found out what led my dad to death. Long story..... Anyway.....bottom line, your aunt has no right to expect you to put down her stepgrandchild on obit, nope.

pleak writes:

NAH. Maybe the aunt is slightly the asshole because of coarse language, but nothing a follow up call cant fix.

Completely understandable why you would forget the step child. Also understandable why your aunt might be upset, but like you said, they weren't really apart of your grandmother's life. I would just chalk it up to an unfortunate and completely understandable situation.

I would probably apologize just to smooth everything over, but I would certainly expect a counter apology from your aunt for freaking out.