Woman has family-related ultimatum for fiancé; he says; 'That's a complete double standard.' AITA?

"AITA for wanting my fiancé to be open to having kids even though I’m not 100% open to having kids ?"

I think I already know the answer but I would like someone outside opinions. Me, 25 f, and my husband to be, 26 m have been engaged for almost a year and are getting married next year. I am beyond happy, he really is the love of my life.

I can’t help but think about our future now that we are engaged. I have always been excited about getting engaged and being married and now we are at those steps I find myself thinking about the next steps. Buying a house and creating a family.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want kids right now for a few reasons, time, energy, extra finances, career. But maybe in a few years I will, and I don’t want my then husband to be the reason I don’t. But this is my weird ultimatum. I want him to be open and I need time.

He says he doesn’t want kids NOW and that he can’t know if he will want them in the future,and that my demand is a total double standard... we always say never say never but it’s sounding more like a “no” than a “yes”. Has anyone had this experience ?

Is this a deal breaker even if we don’t even end up having kids in the future ? Am I completely over thinking this ? Is this my female hormones kicking in ? Even if I’m not sure, I don’t want him to be against it, even though I really don’t want kids now either.Tell me straight. AITA ?

Let's see what readers thought:

ososbear writes:

you aren't saying "I want kids in a few years" you're saying "I don't know if I ever want kids or not," and you are asking your husband to basicially be like "cool well whatever just let me know" and be open to either path.

Yet if he were to decide in a few years "I want kids" or "I don't" then you would feel like he was preventing you from being open to whatever path you choose.

You want to be in control of when the decision happens and what the decision is, and you want him to commit to you ahead of tiem.

That's not totally unheard of but let's just spell it out clearly so everybody is on the same page and we all understand ourselves and each other

othrig7 writes:

NTA. Girl, I feel u! It's like, my brain is screaming "YESSS WEDDING! FINALLY!" but then this tiny voice in the back of my head is all "But wait... what about tiny humans? What if *he* doesn't want them and I change my mind later?" Ugh! It's enough to make a girl want to elope and avoid the whole conversation!

But seriously, it's totally normal to be thinking about this. You're about to make a lifelong commitment, and kids are a HUGE factor for a lot of people.

You're NTA for wanting ur future hubby to be open to the possibility, even if u're not 100% sure urself. Maybe try talking to him again, explain ur feelings, and see if u can find some middle ground. Good luck, babe! You got this!

dunworth writes:

YTA. There's no guarantee if he said he wants kids in the future that he wouldn't change his mind and say he doesn't want kids when that future arrives. You're trying to nail down certainty when it doesn't exist.

He's basically saying the same thing you are. You can't force him to want what you want when you want him to want it. Your job is to decide if you want to marry someone who won't commit to something that you aren't 100% committed to, either. Put that way...

ETA: re "I don't want my then husband to be the reason I don't [have kids]" - are you marrying a human being, or a stallion? This is all pretty selfish, on 2nd reading. You're making a commitment to a shared life, not one tailor made to your own vision. Time to grow up.

rev7 writes:

NAH. You are wondering about what the future may hold and want him to be good either way depending how you may or may not feel about kids in a few years.

You’re not an asshole for wondering and wanting the door left open and he’s not wrong for saying he can guarantee that.

I’d just accept that it will not be decided now. If you’re ok with that then move forward but if you really want to have him on board and he can’t be, are you willing to end the relationship?

flowsa writes:

YTA - You're being a complete hypocrite. If this is the love of your life then you're going to have to risk the fact that later in life he may not want kids. If you can't do that then you need to move on and find a new love of your life.

frettty writes:

YTA. You want your fiance to be open to something you are not 100% open about.
You dont want them now, he dosent want them now.
You are saying you will maybe want kids in the future and he is of the exact same opinion.

You are on the exact same page and trying to force him to be the one that makes the step, because you cant seem to want to make it.

What seems to me, is you dont know what you want, after reaching/getting to what you want, now you are questioning/guessing if you even want kids, because thats how its "supposed" to be?

You seem to be more interested in the process or the idea, rather than the actual thing and all I can say is, chill out! You are getting married, great, enjoy it!

One day You will be married and you will enjoy it. When will you have kids? Some day? Maybe never? Difficult topic? You will talk about it.

The difference between before, now and after, is that you have the same last name/are married and nothing else. You can have the exact life married or not, there is no difference, as you should love eachother, no matter what. Talk like adults to eachother.