Woman feels betrayed when dad gets new tattoo; 'You're ERASING your OLD family.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this teen girl is furious with her father, she asks the internet:

"My dad got a tattoo in the style of our matching tattoo with his new family and now i want to get mine covered. AITA?"

My father (41m) and my mother (40f) divorced three years ago. i live with my mother. my father remarried a year ago. his wife has two children (18f) (15m). me (18f) and my dad got a matching tattoo two years ago. it was a simple outline tattoo of a photo of us.

after my dad got married, things started to get a bit more distant between us because he started to spend more time with his new family. besides that, i think he doesn't want to see me around them. i don't know why, after all, i've never treated his wife or stepchildren bad.

yesterday he refused to meet me on a weekend when we were supposed to spend time together saying he was unavailable and he reposted a story of him hanging out with his new family that.

while looking at the photo i saw that he got a new tattoo on his arm. it was an outline tattoo of a photo of him with his new family, just like the tattoo he got with me.

now i know that millions of people have these tattoos and it's not my original design. still i'm disappointed that he got a tattoo with his new family in the same style as ours because i always thought that tattoo was special between us. now i'm thinking of getting it covered or removed.

i called my dad in the evening and asked him why he was hanging out with his family instead of meeting me. he said they planned it earlier which doesn't make sense because it was agreed in court after the divorce that I could spend time with my dad every weekend. so "we planned it earlier" is a pretty bullshit excuse.

he also knows that i'm totally okay with spending time with his family. when i told him that he said "it's not that simple." i guess i'm too dumb to understand "complicated" things because he doesn't even try to explain it lol.

then i asked him why he got his new tattoo in the same style as ours. he said he didn't think it would be a problem for me. i told him "you broke something special between us, how can you not realize that? i think i'm going to get my tattoo covered. you can do the same." in result he thinks i'm overreacting and i shouldn't be so selfish.

my mom says what my dad did wasn't such a bad thing. she thinks we should sit down and talk, i'm not sure. AITA?

edit: tomorrow i will try to talk to my dad face to face. i hope to discuss openly about whatever the issues are between us and find a way out. i don't think my mind will change about the tattoo, but i will not rush to get it covered. thank you for your advice. if things go well i will also try to write an update.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's read some top comments and responses from OP:

Relevant Comments:

How did you get a tattoo at 16 and isn't the mandatory visit court order not in place anymore?

not all tattoo artists are very law-abiding. i turned 18 five months ago and of course the court order is no longer in force. this was our routine for three years, we didn't break it as soon as i became an adult like "ok bye". i just assumed that we hung out together on the weekends unless i was told otherwise."

More on how OOP feels/what they did in the past:

i never pushed him to meet every weekend for three years. when one of us had a reason, we didn't meet anyway or met another day. still, if he's bored with this routine, i think he needs to tell me straight.

because it's heartbreaking when he just says he's busy and hangs out with his family and then just tells me "it's not that simple". and no, he didn't take much action to make up for the less attention he gave me after the marriage.

there is no problem between him and my mom right now, they don't talk unless it's necessary. so i don't think he is moving away because of mom.

it's also the saddest thing for me that he's enjoying life to the fullest now that i'm of legal age. maybe i'm speaking emotionally but it means that i'm a kind of prison for him. i don't want to think that he's been spending time with me because he "has to".

i will talk to him, if he wants to move on to a new chapter of his life and give me less scene there he must say it clearly. thank you so much.

(separate comment to the same commenter) btw, it is very difficult for me to change my mind about tattoo because aesthetics is not really an excuse. there were so many tat that he could have done without ruining the aesthetics of his body.

it's so okay to get one for his family, but i think he could have done it without messing something special between the two of us

Have there been issues with the other 18 year old now in your dad's family? How about your new step-mom?

OP responds:

we haven't really spent enough time together to have an issue. his wife is generally kind to me, but i don't know if she thinks bad about me

fetatiuy writes:

NAH. What you’re describing sounds pretty common. You sound like a reasonable person. So I’m going to lay it out for your. You sound hurt but you also sound jealous.

Jealousy isn’t a sign of weakness but it doesn’t lead to healthy behavior. Instead of thinking that your dad broke someone special between the two of you by getting the same tattoo of his new family try to consider that he found what he did so special with you that he wanted to have something special with the rest of his family.

The other thing I see you doing is attempting to put reasons onto your father’s behavior. For instance, you cannot know why he’s doing something and he tells you. Sure, sometimes people lie or have unconscious reasons for doing things but if his answer is reasonable then it’s probably true.

So I am very glad that you’re sitting down with him. If you’re displaying jealousy in such an obvious way here then consider telling your dad that you’ve realized you have some jealousy around him with his wife and their kids.

Also ask your dad if he’s wanted to keep you away from his new family and tell him that it’s felt that way to you. Give him specific examples. Listen to what he says.

As far as the divorce decree from your mother saying that he spends every weekend with you. It sounds like you two have not been spending all of every weekend together.

Is that accurate or am I reading things into your post? Have you stayed at your mom’s to do things with friends some weekends? Have some things changed? You’re 18 and it’s normal to have a life outside of both of your parents but what wouldn’t be normal would be to blame your dad for not sitting around waiting for you to be available to spend time with him.

You’ve obviously got a lot of feelings about all of this and that’s OK. Work through them but don’t do it alone. Talk to your mom and to your dad.

Consider talking to a therapist about it. Having the unbiased input of a trained person for something like this is like a ball player struggling with their technique and hiring a coach to help them see where they’re getting something wrong. It can fast path a lot and help a great deal.

nashvil writes:

NTA. I would be upset. You’ve known him for 18 years, they’ve only been married for a year.

They could’ve discussed it with you, and they could obviously tell that it was a special thing between the two of you, they didn’t need to get the exact same thing to feel validated in their relationship with him.

It’s weird. If the only way he could validate that was also by copying what he did with you, it’s still weird he didn’t ask you.

This may be rude of me to say and I am not trying to strike fear in you but unhealthy divorced dads can sometimes get an expectation when you turn 18 that it is on the child to upkeep the relationship.

I don’t think you need to force yourself to come to a resolution with this if you’re not ready to talk to him, and he doesn’t seem to understand why you’d be upset. Take your time.

It’s odd that they felt the need to exclude you from the weekend. If you’re a family, you should be included in activities like that. If it was planned earlier, they could’ve told you earlier.

On another not so fun side, I would look into the arrangements of custody from the case. Is there limitations to being on his benefits (if you are) or getting financial support from him?

I know weekends with him are something you looked forward to, but if he broke it for something so trivial, I think you are free to stay at your moms or plan things on “his weekends”. I am probably being petty, but I would just plan to do something involving self care or hang out with friends the next planned weekend you were supposed to have together.

I just wouldn’t make a priority someone who so clearly didn’t make you one, and you were clear to him that you were upset, you’re being already leagues more mature than you should be for bringing it up again, when he couldn’t even be honest on what he was doing. I don’t think that’s on you to do.

hapapyfg writes:

NTA, I’m angry for you. I would absolutely get it covered. The worst part is him not being apologetic enough . You had a special tattoo and he went and did it with his new family without a second thought.

He’s blowing off time with you for his new family now that it’s not court ordered anymore and he’s moving away with them and saying he will see you when he can. Does he even remember he has a daughter.

You are being way to understanding. Step sis is not a young child she’s an adult, it’s ridiculous he’s putting her feelings over yours. Brace yourself he will walk her down the isle and won’t even bother to show up to your wedding. I fear it’s just the beginning of dad moving on with his new life without you.

Update 1:

this morning we had breakfast together and had a long talk. it turned out that the problem all this time was my stepsister. he told me that she was struggling with the whole marriage.

the reason he got the tattoo was to show her that he loves her as much as he loves me. he also said that she didn't feel at ease around me, which i was really surprised about. we hadn't fought once, and we hadn't even been together long enough to have any disagreements.

that's why he didn't invite me that day. he wanted to be a good father figure in her life. still, he said that i might get closer to my stepsiter in time, who knows when.

he also said i can get my tattoo covered if i want, but he would never do that to his. for him, the tat still has the same special meaning. honestly, it would really make me feel like an ah to get mine covered while he keeps his, i'm not sure what to do.

lastly, the hardest thing for me was finding out that they were moving to another state. his wife got a better paying job and he's going to start a business with a friend there. he told me that he will be very busy with all the moving, but will spend as much time with me as possible until he moves. he also promised to visit me often after the move, which i don't think he'll be able to keep.

i guess he's really moving into a part of his life where i'm not in it, and there's not much i can do about it. thank you all

Readers weighed in on this first update:

haguity writes:

that update sucks man. i agree with you that i dont think he'll visit, whether he can or wont put effort into it. he went about his situation the wrong way. thats great you want to make sure your step kid is comfortable and adjusting well to the marriage, but if that means that you have to distance yourself from your ACTUAL kid then you need to reevaluate your choices.

if she doesnt feel at ease around you he shouldve talked to her why she feels that way and how you guys can go about forming at the very least a cordial relationship. idk to me his solution was "look ill even distance myself from my own daughter to show you i love you!"

in terms of the tattoo, dont cover/remove it for now. lets see how he maintains your relationship. if after he moves and he barely talks to you, its only YOU reaching out to him, if he never visits you or tries at all to stay in your life, id get it covered. idk how far after he moves that i would do it, but definitely when im done being hurt and disappointed by someone thats supposed to be MY father.

start your life op and do whats best for you, not for anyone else. if every time you look at your tattoo and it causes nothing but pain, cover it. and if he doesnt keep his promise to stay in contact, live your life.

Update 2:

today my stepbrother replied to my story and we started talking. i told him about the latest things and he told me a lot of things i didn't know

he said that it's true his sister doesn't feel at ease around me, but she never said anything to my dad about not inviting me. in fact, her discomfort isn't so great that she couldn't stand to be in the same place with me. it was my stepmother who asked him not to invite me that day. and she came up with the whole idea of the tattoo

he said his mom doesn't like my mom at all. he's not sure if this is based on something or not. when i asked my mom about it, she said she never met that woman even once. i think her dislike for me comes from her baseless hatred for my mom and my dad played along with her

also, i didn't mention here, but my dad told me they are moving in november. my stepbrother told me they are moving next week and that was the plan all along

he told me he is sorry for what happened to me and only told me these because he thought i had to know the truth. he also asked me not to let his mom know about this conversation.

my dad wasn't really like that, he was a good man. i mean, all those lies, cutting me out of his life, that's not like him. i don't understand why he turned into such a person, but i really don't want to talk to him once more to get it. he's moving away next week anyway

i told my mom about this and asked her to call my dad, tell him that i would never see him again. my mother passed this on to him without mentioning the conversation. i also blocked my dad from everywhere. soon i will get the tattoo covered. luv you

And now, OP's final update:

my dad really moved away that september, just before that he came to our house to talk but i couldn't confront him. still i broke no contact. we ended up talking on the phone many times, he promised a lot that he would make things right between us, he would come to visit me and he didn't keep any of it. two weeks ago i stopped talking to him again

i've also been going to therapy since the new year. it's not only for my dad, i have other problems too. my therapist is really nice and she helps me a lot. apart from all this, my life is actually pretty good, i have my mom and friends who are there for me.

lastly, i kept the tattoo. i couldn't make a final decision about what to do and i think it will stay like that for some time.

i don't think i'll be posting another update later so please take care.

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: Hope you're doing well and hopefully give us an update a few years later.

OOP: i don't think i'll have an interesting life in a few years, but i'll try to give an update, promise :)

Commenter: do u have any plans on covering it up??

OOP: still not sure

(to another commenter): i'm thinking of getting different tattoo with my mom. still not sure if i want to cover the one with my dad