Woman forbids 'night owl' husband from taking a nap, 'he should know better at this point.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband he can't take a nap?"
My husband (40M), and I (35F) have two small kids ages 3 and 9m. The kids go to bed around 7:30pm and we like to spend time together or watch separate shows after. On any given night, I'm asleep in front of the tv or in bed reading by 8:30pm or 9 at the latest. The baby still wakes up every 3-4 hours on a good night to breastfeed, so needless to say I'm very tired a lot.
My husband, on the other hand, CHOOSES TO STAY UP until 11pm sometimes 1am watching tv, playing video games, or whatever else he decides is "me time" when we're all asleep on weekends. (We both work 9-5, kids are in daycare).
Sooo when the kids are up at the crack of dawn, he fully expects to get to sleep in while I take the kids on weekend morning. If he does get up with the kids so I can sleep more, he wants a nap at some point in the day.
I think it's BS that he gets "me time" to stay up like some night owl freaking teenager EVERY WEEKEND when he should know better at this point in parenting/life. He has stated I am being "unfair" and that if I can nap he should get naps too.
There's a chance I'm sleep deprived and hormonal. But I'd love for Y'all to weigh in...AITA for thinking he should go to bed at a reasonable hour and not get to nap if he chooses not to?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
TheLadyEve said:
Eh, NTA. You just both need to work out a system. I have been through this (my kids are 2.5 years apart). Now they are 6 and 9 so it's no big deal, but when they were your kids ages, I was tired allll the time, and I was the one getting up every single morning with no respite.
Talk with him about having one day of the weekend with him on early morning duty so you have a designated sleep-in day. He can stay up if he wants, but he'll be sleep deprived. Eventually he'll learn how to make that work for him.
My husband is also a night owl, while I am a morning person, so we've gradually just settled on him taking more evening duties and I get up early for the early morning stuff. Once you're done breastfeeding, this could be more of an option, too.
I don't even know if your husband is TA, either, I'm on the fence about that. He's protective of his kid-free time, which I totally understand. He just needs a new perspective on how much you've been doing vs. how much he's been doing. He'll be TA in a big way, though, if he's not willing to make some concessions and get out of bed to take over on 50% of the weekend.
desert_red_head said:
NTA. I went through something similar with my husband. It took us having another child before he finally got the point. You have to make sure he knows that, while you support him having “me” time, he does not get to take a back seat to parenting and you are not going to cover for him any more. Since you both work the same hours, childcare is 50/50.
WellGoodGreatAwesome said:
NTA but I think the best solution for this is that he stays up late, he gets up with the kids and lets you sleep in, and then at some point during the day he gives you 3 hours to do whatever you want while he takes care of the kids and then he can take a nap.
That way you’re getting free time too, and you’re both getting enough sleep. If he says, “if you get a nap I also should get a nap,” then you can say, “If you get 3 hours to do whatever you want, I should also get 3 hours to do whatever I want.”
UniquelyInspired said:
NTA he gets his “nap time” in the late evenings but chooses to use it for gaming. That’s his choice.
attackoftheumbrellas said:
NTA. I’m in the same situation of having a 3yo and a 9 month old who is up to breastfeed overnight. Me staying in bed an extra hour on the odd Saturday we don’t have somewhere to be isn’t a “lie in." It’s compensatory rest. And let’s be real, 15-90 minutes once a week does not actually compensate for the multiple hours lost over the previous 7 nights.
SuperPookypower said:
If I’m understanding this correctly, OP needs a nap sometimes because she has to miss a lot of sleep to feed the baby and the like. Husband gets sleepy because he’s up all night gaming. Those aren’t the same thing. Husband really seems to think he is being put upon any time he has to do anything for his kids. Not cool. NTA.
aprettylittlebird said:
NTA, you and your husband need a system that is fair to you both. Your baby should absolutely be able to sleep through the night at 9 months, I would recommend speaking to your pediatrician to see if they have any recommendations.