Woman freaks out about fancy work dinner; 'I have severe ARFID. HELP!' UPDATED

"I have ARFID and I’m supposed to go to a fancy work dinner tonight where I won’t eat. What do I do?"

I need help asap, this is coming up in a few hours.

I (F) have ARFID which basically means I’m afraid of trying new foods and am put off by 99% of foods. Recently I tried to eat something I didn’t think I would like and by bite 3 I was starting to gag and had to stop.

I’m going to a fancy restaurant that only has food I don’t like. I hate savory and the entire menu is meat. I called about vegetarian options and it was some sort of rice dish that didn’t sound like something I could eat without having the gagging problem.

They have salads but I think it’s an appetizer to entree sort of thing so I can only order one and so don’t want to just go without an entree. Plus I don’t even like salads and I’ll have to fight my way through it.

My manager just texted me and is expecting me to be there. It’s not mandatory but I’ll feel guilty not going. But I also don’t want to go and make all of my coworkers uncomfortable because I’m not eating or look uncomfortable (I will be).

The business owners and coworkers I haven’t met will be there and I don’t want them to see me being uncomfortable and not eating.

What do I do?? I feel like I should just bail but I’m not sure what my excuse would be and I’m just like… worried about them disappointed. But I feel like going and making people uncomfortable and being uncomfortable would be much worse. I specifically told my manager before I wanted to try this restaurant out (mostly for the ambiance and during breakfast or lunch when they have foods I’ll eat).

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

groun writes:

Your quality of life will always suffer if you are unable to communicate effectively about your disorder whenever you are faced with eating in public. Think if the things on life you will miss out on, the celebrations, weddings receptions. dinner dates, etc. this is a chance to bring your situation out into the light and maybe discover some new ways to slowly feel more comfortable.

I would be honest and explain AFRID to your manager and inform him of the anxiety you are feeling. Ask him if he has any suggestions of a way to get through dinner without causing any awkwardness. If I were your manager I would value your honesty and be happy that you confided in me rather that just not attend leaving me to wonder why. Communicate.

OP replies:

I usually do communicate about it will, this is the first time my coworkers haven’t known about it. I usually do okay going out, this is also my first time thinking of skipping something because of my ARFID.

I’ve been trying things a lot recently and going out of my comfort zone, but its a slow process and I only feel comfortable trying things in front of certain people because I almost always gag. I’m worried I’ll have that problem when I’m out at a fine dining restaurant with a bunch of people I don’t really know.

You’re right though I should have brought this up when I first knew the dinner was going to be happening… I feel like it’s weird to bring up like 3 hours before when he can’t do anything about it? Ugh. Should I call him or something? He’s really kind. Is it okay to still bail after I tell him? He’s gonna be disappointed if I don’t go lol.

crime7 writes:

Could you eat two appetizers instead of an entree? If there is something you can eat other than a salad? A sweet butternut squash soup for example? I would go and see what you can do. Don't feel embarrassed. Just do your best.

OP replies:

They actually do have a bread thing, and a salad thing… so technically I probably could. I just feel like it will be so awkward and embarrassing ordering such weird things. I have the most limited diet of anyone I’ve ever met so it’s a struggle.

Ugh I’m scared. I don’t know if I’ll be able to not get embarrassed, I haven’t had to do something like this since I was a teenager and it was traumatic lol. I’m worried everyone will be looking at the weird things I order and wonder about why I’m not eating regular things like a regular person.

coiln writes:

Does your manager know about the ARFID?

freak writes:

No and I feel like it’s too late to tell him now since everything is all set up. Usually my coworkers realize during lunches but I have short shifts and don’t have to take lunches so no one has noticed how weird I am lol. Ugh I think I’m gonna bail I’m too anxious it’s not worth it

Edit: would it be weird to tell him after? I feel like he’ll feel guilty and I don’t want to make things weird lol.

voucher writes:

I also live with ARFID, and my husband is in the military. Due to his rate, we have to go to social outings frequently. There are several different tactics we have deployed in such situations.

Depending on what time the dinner is, on the day have a late lunch. Then order a small plate of something you may be able to tolerate and pick at it. Moving food around the plate makes it seem as if more had been eaten than in reality.

If someone asks, explain that you had a late lunch due to work obligations/ etc. and aren't hungry, but didn't want to miss out on the dinner. Expressing your pleasure to be there will make people feel good about themselves, and flattery is a good distraction on these occasions.

We have previously called a restaurant, and explained that I had dietary restrictions, and were inquiring about adjustments that they were able to accommodate. Fore-warning the restaurant in advance can make ordering something with modifications a lot easier, if there is a warning sneakily snuck in before the occasion.

A solid distraction game. Work dinners tend to all operate the same way, and depending on how they do in your field, play into it. Deflection and not drawing attention to the situation is a good play, and people tend to flow with conversation. A quick subject change to something relevant or flattering to the person can divert attention off of you.

Keep it cool. Don't bring up food. If someone says the food is good, agree calmly. Typically, people don't notice other's eating habits unless they are thrown down in their face like a medieval gauntlet.

Dont run from the conversation, but treat it as just a polite conversation piece, and divert to another topic or let the conversation meets it's natural conclusion.

At business dinners, your plate is not going to be their main focus, socialization/business is. The key is to stay as calm as can be, and not draw attention to where you don't want it to be.

And now, OP's update:

EDIT: Thanks everyone for the advice… I’m just gonna go and order bread and a salad. If people think that’s weird, whatever I guess. I want to cry so hopefully I don’t at dinner lol!

Edit again: Thank you again to those who have been commenting! To those with similar issues I also really appreciate it. Sorry I’m not able to reply to everybody but I have read all the comments and am very thankful for getting the push I needed to at least sort of face my fears around this situation.

I’m extremely nervous still, but I’m getting ready to head out and I’m trying not to work myself up over it. Thanks again!! Maybe I’ll leave an update later letting everyone know how it went.