Woman furious with ex-husband when he doesn't let their youngest daughter attend her wedding. AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this bride to be is furious with her ex-husband, she asks the internet:
"My Ex-husband wouldn't let my youngest daughter to be at my wedding. Please help me. AITA?"
So I need to give some back story, My husband (37M) and I (37F) have been divorced for 6 years now. We have two daughters, Emily (16F) and Gaby (8F) and was happily married for 10 years.
My husband cheated on me with a freshman in college and left me for her. It was hard for me. I was in so much emotional pain. It wasn't just his cheating but also how he said he hates me and that I looked ugly.
You can imagine my pain. It gave me some serious trust issues. I couldn't forget what he said to me during our divorce.
Emily knew why we divorced and she held some resentment towards her father for that. Gaby was too young at that time. Nonetheless he was a sh!tty husband but a good father to both of them.
We shared custody. The girls would be with me from Fri-Mon. I tried my best but from time to time I would spiral. I have been in and out of therapy since my divorce. I met my now husband Ben (41M) 4 years ago.
We met because we worked in the same building and I was crying on the roof of the office building. Ben was there too when he saw me. He asked me what happened and I just bawled my eyes out because that day was my wedding anniversary and that was the same day my ex decided that he would get married to his AP.
Ben listened to my concerns and stayed with me the whole day to make sure I was fine. He even dropped me to my house because I was too emotionally unstable to drive myself.
From there we started dating. He told me his story about how he lost his wife and only daughter 10 years ago in a car accident. He was really fond of my daughters as well. Emily has started to call him dad after a year of us dating. Gaby also calls him "daddy Ben".
I was finally healing and getting back to my old-self. Ben was really nice and caring. We welcomed our son a year ago. My girls are happy to have a brother. He proposed to me when I was pregnant and we had been planning for our wedding since then. Now, here is the issue.
Emily is one of my bridesmaid. Gaby is my flower girl. Emily is old enough to choose which parent she wants to live with. So there was no issue from her part. But Gaby was still going back and forth from my house to my ex's house.
My wedding is in 2 weeks. My ex was fine with it. I spoke to him many times to make sure that he drives Gaby to my mother's place but now he refuses.
He says that he only gets to see his daughter 3 times a week and he is not willing to give up his days for some "party." I told him he could take my days for a week and let her be at the wedding. He says he will not let Gaby go.
The wedding is on a Tuesday which means Gaby would be with him. I cannot change the date because everything is booked.
Please give me some advice. We have argued a lot and I don't think I can go through any emotional pain with this ever again. Gaby would be heartbroken because she is really excited to be flower girl.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
forcaaa writes:
Less, your ex is using your youngest daughter to get to you. It's not about her, or, the wedding, it's about pushing buttons. He knows how to do it, and he's found one to push... Decolater has the right answer.
I learned it the hard way- in total disclosure:. My ex did something similar. I thought she was above that. She wasnt. My 4 kids didn't go to my wedding to second (and current) wife. They hold that against HER still, 23 years later. Karma sucks sometimes.
As a last ditch effort, contact the attorney you used when you got divorced. See if they will draft a letter to him reminding him that " events in parents lives are usually negotiated between the willing parents for the good of the children. "
Maybe a letter will adjust his thinking... If not, I'd follow delcolater's advice, send a final text, then let it go.
I'm not sure how he's going to explain to the youngest why the older can go and she can't, but that's his anchor. And if younger asks you why, tell her "dad's pushing for you to not be there. I WANT you there, he does not.". Firmly point out that this is on him, not you.
Congrats on the upcoming wedding. Focus on the day, not the di... Jerk messing with you.
tchs65 writes:
Wow, what a massive AH. Tell him you will give up a month’s worth of days for that one day, because it is a monumental special occasion. Ask him if he is really that heartless to hurt his daughter just to spite you.
Ask him if he can look her in the eye and explain to her why she doesn’t get to be a flower girl in her Mom’s wedding. Ask him if he hates you more than he loves his daughter. Will your older child talk to him? While it’s not really fair to put her in that situation, it may help.
trulyda65 writes:
Your ex is a disgusting disgraceful human being. WTAF. I'm glad your going for full custody and that you and your new hubby Ben ended up having an amazing day. I'm sorry it was spoiled a bit because if your ex.
It seems to me your ex is jealous even though he's the one who ruined your family. Whatever happens now is on him, he deserves everything that comes his way.
I would keep the kids away from your ex Mil though because she thinks everything her son is doing is acceptable.
Keep letting your ex Fil seeing the kids as he understands why you have gone nuclear with going for full custody.
I hope OOP has an amazing life and can keep the ex away from the kids, he doesn't deserve to be around them.
And now, OP's first update:
It's been hectic since the last I posted. So I mentioned in my last post that my ex-husband with whom I share 2 children, Emily and Gaby. Emily lives with me now but occasionally goes to her father's place.
I made that post on a Wednesday. I went to Friday to pick up Gaby. My daughter, Emily was pissed. I asked her what happened. She says that Gaby was throwing a tantrum because of some stupid lie their father has told Gaby that they will be going on a vacation ON MY WEDDING DAY!!!
Gaby said no. She was excited to be my flower girl and threw a tantrum. I was furious. This coward man wanted to take my daughter away from me so that she is never my flower girl. I stomped my way into his house and demanded to see my daughter.
My fiance was with me. I demanded to see my daughter and said that he was a cowards for not telling my daughter the real reason why she can't be at my wedding. My daughter rushed towards my fiance, Ben.
I told him to tell Gaby the truth. I was done with this man. I told him if he doesn't tell her I will. I had the screenshots on my phone. I am surprised that he caved. Eventually he told her the truth.
Gaby was crying and saying that she hates him. My ex-husband was not having it. She took Gaby away from Ben and violently shakes her body and calls her a brat who doesn't appreciate her dad.
I don't know what came on to me. I saw red and pushed my husband out of the way. He called me a "b#tch" and his wife came out and tried to handle him. I got my daughter Gaby but my husband wasn't letting me. He even got into a physical altercation with my fiance.
Emily was recording it from a distance. My ex kept shouting that he will not let my daughter go with him. I reminded him that this is my turn to have her. And he agreed that he would let my daughter stay with me until the wedding is over.
I have the messages with me that he agreed to our agreement. He couldn't do anything and we left.
Upon arriving, Emily told me if it is possible to keep Gaby with us forever because she does not want to live with her dad. I asked why. Then she told me that her dad has been really angry ever since I started a relationship. It wasn't that extreme at first.
Then he started insulting me behind my back that how much I "downgraded" by dating Ben. It got even more agitated when he learned I was pregnant. He has been asking his wife to start having kids and they had fights multiple times. It doesn't end there.
Emily also mentions he would often lash out on Gaby and even scold her for making small mistakes. He even forced both of them to call his wife mom. But Emily refused. She also said the only reason she ever goes back is she knows Gaby has to stay with him and she is just protecting her. I cried and asked her why she didn't tell me.
She responded that she saw how happy I was with Ben so she didn't wanted to burden me. I don't know what to say. I never wanted my daughter to take the burden.
While I am happy that she tried to protect her sister but I feel disappointed in myself that I was so busy with my new life that I neglected my daughter. Whenever they came home they were smiling and I took that as a sign that everything was ok. I told Emily while I am proud of her but she should have told me.
She should have never taken it upon herself to save Gaby. I am their mother and I will protect them from everything. I was going to let my daughter stay with my ex when I was in my honeymoon so that he would not cry about not spending enough time with his daughters.
Now I am thinking otherwise. I don't know what to do. I am really stressed and next week is my wedding. Any suggestions?
OP's 2nd update:
Hello guys, I took your suggestions and filed for emergency custody. I have also contacted a lawyer so that I can get full custody of Gaby. My daughter, Emily is a key witness and she does have the video saved. She is a smart girl.
I am glad she saw the tension in the air and recorded it. I gave this to my lawyer, he did say I shouldn't have jumped on my ex but it can be played as self-defense because he was hurting and scaring Gaby.
I was able to get emergency custody. I was lucky that I got it in a short time. I will talk to my lawyer about full custody in details. He said that given how he acted and the video evidence along with the statement from Emily, I do have a strong case.
But I know my ex. He will not give it up so easily. But neither am I. I am postponing my honeymoon until this matter is resolved.
Even though this whole week has been stressful for me and everyone, I managed to cheer up Gaby. My family was really supportive. We did have a wedding. But I felt like some of the joy was stripped away from us because of this whole drama with my ex. But nonetheless I felt really special on that day.
My first marriage was rushed because I got pregnant. But this one felt right. I got to wear a gown and walk down the aisle. My daughters also enjoyed it a lot. I was glad my now husband, Ben was there with me.
I always had this insecurity in me that no man would want to be with me because I have so much baggage but he stuck with me in my worst.
As for my ex, he is lost cause. He has been sending me and my husband some hateful messages. He has been badmouthing me. We blocked him.
Two days before my wedding my ex in-laws had a chat with me. My ex-MIL wanted me to drop the case and not take their grandkids away from their father.
But I am glad ex-FIL stuck with me. He said that his own son is a danger to himself and his kids. He should not be allowed kids at all. My ex-MIL tried to argue but ex-FIL shouted at her "do you care more about your pathetic son or the safety of your grandkids?" At least someone gets it.
And then there is my ex's wife who has moved out of his house because she said and I quote "I am too good to be a step-mom of some ungrateful brats." I mean she is still in her 20s so I get her in some way.
Also some of you have asked why I booked a day that clashes with my custody date. Well, the venue we wanted was available on that day only. We already postponed our wedding once due to my pregnancy so we took it.
Also I didn't think my ex would go bonkers over it. Because when he got married to his mistress, he took our girls out of the state for 2 weeks because he wanted a destination wedding.
And I checked with him numerous times before making the decision. He was fine with it until 2 weeks before the wedding. I have no idea why he was acting like it. And I know people have called me a bad mother for not noticing it earlier.
I have no excuse for that. I know I have been consumed so much in my own world that I didn't thoroughly checked with my girls. My kids shouldn't feel like them sharing their problems will hamper my life because their problem is my problem.
I said sorry to both Emily and Gaby for it. They were kind enough to forgive me. But I will always have this guilt that I didn't see it first.
No. She actually sent me an email saying my girls are spoiled and she is too good to be a step mom of couple of brats.