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Woman furious with non-binary teenager, 'You're PREGNANT? I'm NOT raising this baby.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

Woman furious with non-binary teenager, 'You're PREGNANT? I'm NOT raising this baby.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

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When this mother is furious with her NB teenager, she asks the internet:

"My child is pregnant and expects me to raise the baby as her sibling. AITA?"

My daughter came to me at 16 and said she was non-binary, but only sometimes. Like, some days she would feel more male than female and some days she would feel like neither. She wanted me to ask her every day what day it was and then refer to her as that pronoun of the day.

I told her that wasn’t going to fly. Growing up, I spent a lot of time on LJ (Livejournal) during the ol’ ‘bun-self’ and ‘zen-self’ ‘zir-self’ days. People who think this is new to this generation are fooling themselves.

I told her that I would call her the pronoun she wanted, and do my best to remember it day to day, but she was going to have to tell me what she wanted for that day. I wasn’t going to play a daily guessing game.

This went on for about a week or two until she finally seemed to grow tired or bored and just said I could call her ‘her’. Though she still identifies as non-binary. Fine. (At least when it was going on she wanted ‘she, he, or they’ — I’m sorry but I couldn’t have done fox-self/fox-them with a straight face).

So that’s the pronoun story and looking back where I think things started to go off the handle. Here’s my real question.

My daughter is now 18, pregnant, and seems to have lost her mind. Or I’m an asshole. You choose.

This year has been a struggle. She wanted to take a break year before she goes to community college, but can’t keep a job. Apparently, retail situations are too phobic against her non-binary state.

(My child looks/acts/dresses exactly as a young adult female btw. When I ask how people are being phobic against her, she gets as prickly as a cactus so I really don’t know the details.).

She’s been through 4 or 5 jobs this year, quit all of them. She won’t consider call centers that aren’t face to face because she doesn’t like to talk on phones, and is apparently looking for a remote job without any luck.

She’s been unemployed since Thanksgiving (she quit her last job on Black Friday, in fact) and I was on the verge of laying down the law, telling her she either needs to go to school this upcoming semester full time or get a full time job or move out with her friends.

But now she’s come to me and she’s 5 months pregnant. She’s very angry at me, says it’s my fault because: I didn’t put her on puberty-blocking hormones when she came to me 2 years ago.

She believes I am in fact trying to ‘feminize her’ by getting her birth control. (The pill.). She’s been throwing her prescription away.

This is where I might be the asshole. I called her a little idiot. We don’t use that sort of language in my house, and I never call people names — especially my own child — but at that moment I could just see red.

The hormone thing is a non-issue IMO because this is the first time I ever heard of her wanting hormones. What was I supposed to do? Go back in time?

As for the birth control! It’s also the first time I’m hearing anything about this! There are non-pill options that don’t have estrogen.

If that was her want, all she had to do was ask and I would have driven her to the doctor myself! Or she could have taken the car she has and done it.

She has her own medical card, even! Though to be fair, I don’t know how she would have managed the co-pay without a job.

I know for a fact her old high school gave out free condoms like candy because her friends were always giggling over flavored sample packs and even blew a few of them up like balloons and left them around the house one time. She had all the birth control she could ever want and used none of it.

It gets worse. We’re way past the date of abortion (again, I would have helped her if this had been her wish! We live in an abortion protected state and can afford it!). She’s known she was pregnant since about 2 months and has come to think of her baby like a sibling.

She expects me to raise it like it was mine. That this is my duty, in fact, because she says it is my refusal to accept her non-binary state that led to her being pregnant. So she was going to get a brother or sister and I was going to have another child.

You can say my language grew … sterner to versions of ‘Get your head out of your ass’ and ‘Congratulations, mommy, you have some hard decisions to make’, and I said I would absolutely not raise her baby for her.

She also refused to say who the father was. Now that I’ve cooled down, I’m really hoping she has a secret boyfriend. She does have some friends who were born male, but now also don’t identify that way.

We didn’t even get there as I lost my mind when she said she thinks of her own baby as a sibling and wants me to raise it like my own child.

She’s locked herself in her room loudly wailing, I feel like crap warmed over. She’s been in there for 12 hours, and as she has an attached bathroom, probably won’t be coming out until she gets hungry. Considering it’s been half a day I think she has snacks stored.

I also don’t know where to go from here. Being pregnant sucks and messes with your head, so I’d like to blame that and the fear she must be feeling, but … I have the bad feeling I either raised a spoiled brat or someone with an emerging personality disorder.

So I need to know from people who aren’t emotionally involved, and maybe some people who are more in tune with this whole nonbinary thing than I am.

What do I do to help while also making her responsible for her own child? How can I help my daughter accept she must do basically the most feminine thing you can do (give birth and possibly breast-feed) while being sensitive that she’s non-binary? Am I just a big asshole here?

Typing all this out it feels like my daughter is lost in crazy town. I'm still not raising her baby but at what point do I drag a legal adult to the hospital?

It's the middle of the night and she has decided to pack some of her clothes and stay with one of her friends. (One who I suspect is the baby daddy).

Before she left she told me that she already called the police and let them know that she was 'leaving of her own free will and was not in danger'. Like I was going to report an 18 year old adult as a runaway or something? It was insulting.

I told her she needs to work out details if she wants to adopt with the father, and she was welcome back home when she had a plan in place.

It was short because I heard her on the way out. I think she just meant to leave without saying anything. I'm going to sleep. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

grac6 writes:

NTA, sorry to say but the best option might be adoption.Sounds like she does not want to raise this child and just wants a sibling to sometimes play with. A child deserves love and not resentment, if you won't raise the child which is completely your right, give this kid the best chance in life, let a loving family adopt it.

If she is adamant on raising it and loving that child, she will need to step up and get a job and put that child in daycare. Her reality is about to get a whole lot more complicated.s

Sounds like she never committed to a job or anything and is playing the blaming game, YOU didn't do this, she is just trying to find fault as she won't take responsibility for her own action. She doesn't sound very mature and I hope that this poor baby won't be the one suffering for it.

The non binary has nothing to do with this situation she could have talked to her school nurse about non hormonal contraception such as an IUD or hormones blocker which is a discussion...

her having unprotected sex and blaming being non binary for beint offended about the contraception method is just her again looking to blame her situation on anything but herself.

She is TA for thinking you'd raise that kid and coming to you at 5 months pregnant when abortion was no longer an option and she knew at 2 months. Honestly if she won't take responsibility please talk to her about adoption, even open adoption.

fendi3 writes:

Retired therapist here. Before you mentioned it I was suspicious about a possible personality disorder as being the root of all of this.

Regardless of the actual diagnosis your daughter definitely has a very “different” understanding of how things ought to work in the world, and I’m sure it leaves your head spinning when she doesn’t make sense or her reactions seem way out of proportion.

Get yourself into therapy so that you can develop an understanding of your daughter’s pathology, and get her into Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) if you can. It’s probably her best chance at changing for the better.

I also suspect your daughter is using her non-binary status as more of a tool to get what she wants rather than it being a true or complete reflection of her gender status; this is unfortunate because it usually works due to most people having a strong aversion to questioning the gender of another person.

You cannot allow it to work here, though, because now she’s trying to use her NB identity as a way to shift blame for the pregnancy away from being dumb (by not using the proper contraception, by not saying anything early enough to terminate) to it being your fault. It isn’t, but you know this already.

Her plan is to confuse you & use guilt trips to force you into doing what she wants you to do. She seems to think that if she can get you to believe that you did something wrong or that the pregnancy was in any way your fault, that you’d get involved & take care of it for her as she wishes.

Important to understand here is that if she can foist the kid on you and have you take the blame then she doesn’t have to deal with any of the hard decisions or challenging feelings.

She doesn’t have to feel bad for making stupid decisions with sex if she can blame Mom for medication decisions that led to a pregnancy (never mind the dubious claims made about feminization and such).

If you keep the kid she doesn’t have to be the bad guy OR the parent, how nice! She wouldn’t have to make the hard decision to adopt out & grieve her loss, she can just pretend she has a new sibling! Mom will fix it, right?

Don’t just let the conversation drop when she gets “prickly”; she gets that way because you are on to something. There are likely no phobic co-workers, that’s why she gets prickly & doesn’t answer when you press for examples. She gets prickly so you’ll drop it. Similarly, she’s using her wailing to break you down now. Don’t let it happen.

You have been such a great, supportive parent in trying to understand the gender issues and your daughter has decided to take advantage of that and use it to “fix” her screwup. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but it’s time to straighten up that backbone & stand firm. She is now going to blame everything on the pregnancy, if not on you, so be ready for it. NTA.

faaad writes:

NTA. I hate to say this, but; I sincerely hope OP's daughter chooses to give up this baby for adoption, because she's a confused hot ass mess. I don't blame OP for not wanting to step on the crazy train and raise this baby.

sas writes:

Let’s be honest: If OP says yes to raising this child as her own, it will be the first of several. Daughter won’t take BC, so she will continue to have unprotected sex and get pregnant.

She decided a couple years ago that she’s NB, expected her mother to understand that and know everything about it, and is now rewriting history to blame her mom for her now being pregnant. My head is swimming, and she’s not my daughter! There will be more babies.

nbggh writes:

NB here OP. You are SO NTA. I feel sympathy for your kid because they sound like they are so confused, maybe have body dysphoria and are now facing a life altering situation with no way out. They must feel so trapped. So they turn on you. It's easier for them to yell at and blame you instead of accepting responsibility.

They are looking for a way out. We all keep changing and growing and your kid is SO young they seem to not know who they are yet and now they have to face looking after a baby when they know deep down they can't even really take care of themselves.

But my GOD the thing they did that was really stupid was chucking BC away. That is actually wild. Your kid needs to learn the difference between gender enforced stereotypes and actual biology. With biology it unfortunately doesn't matter what gender you are, the biology doesn't care, it still works the same. They NEED to learn that and differentiate.

Like I said, NTA OP. What a shit situation. I hope it gets better. I really do.

fear776 writes:

NTA, your child is in fact a little idiot, with behavior that would be an absolute nightmare had you not been their parent. Also birth control isn’t a form of feminization, it’s a form of responsibility when you’re born in a body with a uterus and want to have sex that can result in pregnancy.

000chapl writes:

Oh man, this is a can of worms within itself. I wish I had better advice but just...I feel for you and the position you are stuck in.

The ONLY thing I can think of is, referring to breast feeding as "chest feeding" might make your NB daughter accept it more.

But like...there's a whole other level of things you need to get through first. First and foremost, therapy, ASAP for your kid. Because she needs to get her head sorted out. Assuming you will just take this kid and raise it for her is...problematic to say the least. And she's got a deadline coming obviously, so therapy ASAP.

Also appointment for pregnancy checkups asap!! Has she had any? An unmonitored pregnancy can lead to complications.

You might also be able to get her a social worker to go through pregnancy checkups, birthing extra.

Your kid needs a big sit down conversation about accountability for your own actions. And about how she might feel like part of YOUR actions lead to this, there was also many many choices she could have made to prevent this, that she chose not too. And at the end of the day, it was HER choices that led to this, not you.

And now, OP's first update:

Thanks for this tip. I've written it down. The reason I mentioned she was NB because using 'breast' instead of 'chest' is the exact type of thing to send her into a pissy-fit when she's in the wrong mood. I know this may sound like a little thing, but she's always been... well, dramatic.

Because it's the internet and things are anonymous I'll admit that I am absolutely dreading pregnancy and afterbirth mood swings. Especially since it will all involve very womanly things in every intimate way. On top of the sheer stress of a newborn? Yes, I'm not looking forward to it at all and am already preparing to endure the storms.

Our conversation wasn't productive (it was an argument and she's still not out of her room) but I don't think she has had any prenatal care. That will change if I have anything to do with it. Thanks again.

Yes. My worry and regret have so many places to go and a big part of it is for the baby. This has been a bad day. :(

Oh believe you me I have been kicking myself up and down on top of everything else. I don't know how she got to this point, but she's there now. I wish I did have that time travel machine she clearly expects me to have.

I'm on the fence. If she acted at all like she didn't have a gender (I believe that's what NB is) then I could take it more seriously. But she dresses as a woman. She puts on makeup, wears dresses during the summer, enjoys feminine things? We watch horse videos on youtube and squeal over the new foal videos. She's never been a tom boy, even.

But I was like, okay this isn't hurting her. I'll let her have this and express herself. Maybe it'll turn into something, maybe it won't. And after the first few weeks, she even dropped changing pronouns every day.

Her mentioning being NB faded and then started up hard again when high school ended and she started working retail. I try to be understanding. Retail is hell and I'd personally only work it again if I was at my last resort. But recently it does seem to be an excuse not to work. And now she has a baby on the way.

This may not be the place for it, but I'm just worried she's regressing to a more child-like state. I don't know if she's struggling with being NB or if she's using NB as an excuse to shield herself from the world. Ugh. I guess the internet won't know, but I'm just flat out worried.

OP's 2nd update:

Hi,\This is an update to this post (Long story short my 18 year old NB daughter wanted me to raise her baby, and she told me she thinks the baby as her sibling. We had a blow-out, she locked herself in her room for most of a day, and then took off with her friends/her lover)

So this happened a few days ago but I didn’t update because I needed to get my head around it. It still doesn’t make sense.

Daughter finally unblocked me. She and the person who got her pregnant wanted to talk to me at a public place. We chose iHop.

Although I suspected I knew who her lover was, I was disappointed to find out because they have been a part of my daughter’s friend group since high school and was the only one I ever had a problem with and kicked out of my house.

They are trans now but two years ago the friend group was watching a movie in the living room, and every time I’d pass by, he (he was a he then) would lock eyes with me and make really obnoxious, loud, orgasm sounds like that scene in Harry Met Sally. I told him to knock it off and grew sterner when he did it again.

Then when I was in the kitchen, he somehow snuck up behind me and was miming jack-off movements with his hand. I turned around and caught him at it. He was still fully clothed, but it was startling and freaky. I kicked him out.

So now I’ll just call them Sperm-donor because that’s what they are. I’m still calling my daughter ‘my daughter’ and ‘she’ because I still haven’t been told not to by her otherwise. So get off my case on that.

Anyway, the iHop meeting was a shit-show. Sperm-donor sat with my daughter and went on the attack. Sperm-donor’s points were:

I was poisoning my daughter by “making” her take birth control. (I only helped her get the prescription and would have done everything I could if I knew she didn’t want to take the pill. There are other methods!)

It will take years to “fix” my daughter after all I did. (Not giving her hormones even though I had no idea that was what she wanted. She dropped even wanting to change her pronouns after a few weeks.)

Abortion is a sin and I am a monster for suggesting it. (It’s past the date anyway.)

I am further abusing her by not taking care of the baby while she fixes herself. (I guess they meant it as a temp situation which was also new to me.)

So apparently even though I’m an abusive monster, a bad mother, and so on, I’m even worse for not taking in their baby. At least no one suggested that I raise it like my daughter’s sister anymore. That might have been my daughter’s thought on it.

Sperm-donor did most of the talking while my daughter just sat and glared at me, nodding along.

It was kind of a whirlwind, Sperm-donor pounded the table a few times, and even the waiter knew not to bother us after drinks, lol. I’m surprised we weren’t asked to leave.

There was a lot said, mostly by the sperm-donor who really seemed to be steering the ship. I asked why sperm-donor couldn’t take care of the baby and sperm-donor said their parents were even worse than me. I guess my daughter and sperm-donor taking care of the child they created is out of the question.

I told them that I would not be raising their baby for them and that adoption is the best bet. They said that if I don’t agree to raise it, they’ll make sure I’ll never see the baby ever. I won’t raise their child for them. So that’s that, I guess.

I feel so many flavors of worried and angry and then worried all over again. I’ve been around the block and it’s never a great sign when the person you’re with makes an enemy of your family.

That’s what sperm-donor has done by painting me as an abuser and failed mother who also won’t take in their baby. Sounds like sperm-donor has cut themselves off from their own family too.

So I’m worried my daughter is in a very controlling relationship with someone who convinced her to stop birth control because they think hormones are too feminizing somehow and that she needs to be “fixed”. But they still want me to raise their baby.

I’m angry that my daughter can just hear this crap and nod along like, yeah, that makes total sense. She is not stupid. I think she’s love blinded.

I’m sad and worried for the baby. A couple commenters suggested I wanted nothing to do with the baby because I wouldn’t agree to raise it as my own. No, in a perfect world, I would want a normal grandmotherly relationship. Or at least know that the child is safe and has been adopted into a loving family.

I don’t care what my daughter does with her gender, or her body as long as she doesn’t hurt herself. I want her to be in a happy relationship with someone who values her for who she is. Sperm-donor kept using the word ‘fix’ which I see as another terrible sign.

It’s bad all around. My house is empty. It feels like my adult daughter has run off to join up with some weird church/cult thing who tells her that up is down. That not using birth control and not getting an abortion and then expecting others to take care of the child is all a-okay. Oh and that she’s a problem and needs to be “fixed”.

I texted her and said I would be there for her, but sperm-donor was still not welcome in the house. I think I’m blocked again.

She’s a legal adult. I’m not sure what else I can do at this point? In my low points, part of me thinks maybe I should agree to take the baby and then immediately make sure it’s adopted into a loving home.

But I get the feeling that sperm-donor won’t make that easy, and right now my daughter does what he says. Also I’m not sure if that plan is even possible. It sounds Hollywood.

I have an appointment to speak with a councilor, but the soonest I could get is April. Some of my friends think I should take the baby in either to get them away from the parents or because they think it’s my duty, or both.

The only silver lining in this was that they both seemed sober. I don’t think there’s drugs involved. Am I reading this wrong? Am I the asshole here?

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:

Comment 1: For your safety, I would change the locks and put up camera, Sperm-donor seems unhinged. I’m a firm believer in better safe than sorry.

Comment 2: This baby will be used as a pawn in his never ending psycho drama. If they do not and cannot raise their baby, the best solution is adoption. Otherwise, the father will make your life a living hell.

OP's response: I couldn't figure out a polite way of saying this, but yes. That is my suspicion if I take in their baby. Sperm-donor implied it would be temporary while earlier my daughter said it would be permanent. I think sperm-donor will refuse to sign over paperwork when the time comes or try to leverage it in some way.

Comment 3: NTA also it sounds like your daughter is in an abusive relationship with this person. Sorry your daughter has been brain washed by this crazy person. I would definitely contact this sperm donors family and if they seem sane warn them about how crazy both of spoke to you.

OP's response: That is my fear, and not a bad idea to contact sperm-donor's parents. This has all happened so far, I feel like I'm in shock and I'm very worried.

Comment 4: Pretty wild that a trans person is saying abortion is a sin. None of this is anything like what you're going to hear from any healthy LGBT community, who are quite careful to make sure not to support people in delusional or antisocial behavior.

Definitely get therapy, sounds like your kid has some serious mental health problems if they're being influenced by whatever wackos put these ideas into their head. You're going to need support in coping with this madness. NTA by a country mile. You are in no way "abusing" your kid by refusing to take responsibility for their bad choices.

OP's response: Thank you and yes, I don't want to minimize my daughter's role in it but the hard anti-abortion thing surprised me too. A lot of what they said contradicted itself. It felt like I was sitting across from two people who were in their own wacko bubble.

I know it's not a LGBT thing. I wish someone from their community would knock some sense into them, if its even possible at this point.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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