'AITA for not letting my ex-husband's new GF have a piece of his mother’s jewelry?' UPDATED

"AITA for not letting my ex-husband's new GF have a piece of his mother’s jewelry?"

Throwaway cause family follows my main. I (40F) and my ex, we’ll call him Joe (41M) were high school sweethearts, started dating when we were 17, married at 19, and divorced 20 years later, so going on 2 years now. We have an amazing daughter, Sara who is 8, and has adjusted really well to the separation.

Joe and I get along great, the divorce was amicable and we’re still good friends. Not like we hang out alone or anything, but we don’t argue or fuss at each other, help each other out, and just over all have each others backs because at the end of the day, our number one priority will always be Sara and doing what is best for her.

We’ve both moved on and are in serious long term relationships with other people. His girlfriend, Lily (46F) is great and really good for him. I have never had any conflict with her and enjoy spending time with her when we all get together for holidays and other important events or celebrations.

Until last week. Joes parents passed away within a month of each other last summer and it was devastating for all of us. Even though Joe and I had already been divorced for about a year, they still treated me like family and I loved them dearly. Joe and Lily hadn’t started dating yet so she never met them which is a shame, they were incredible people.

Long story to get to the point but I feel like the background is important. Last week Sara got a box in the mail from her Aunt who was responsible for dividing up my late mother in law’s jewelry amongst the kids and grandkids.

She had a huge collection of both costume and more expensive fine jewelry. I let Joe know about it and he explained that some of it was left to me so when he would come over and we sort through it together.

Lily came with him which was fine, it was extremely difficult and we were both very emotional so I’m glad she was there to support him. Here’s where I think I may be the asshole.

As we were going through the jewelry, we had pulled out a couple of cheaper pieces of costume jewelry for Sara to have now and I had picked out a couple of rings, a necklace, and three pairs of earrings to keep knowing that they will eventually go to Sara as well.

Joe and I agreed that the rest of it would be put away in the lockbox that we each have a key to at my house and would stay there until Sara is older and it goes to her.

One of the pieces being put away is a beautiful set of ruby and diamond earrings and necklace that are obviously very real and we believe were passed down from Joes grandmother.

Lily had been admiring the set and making comments about how well it would go with the wedding dress she had been looking at (they aren’t engaged) or even with some of her date night outfits. Joe didn’t say anything to her in response and when she put them down I wrapped them back up and put them along with the rest of the jewelry in the lockbox.

Since then, Lily has texted me multiple times asking about them and if she can just “borrow” them. At one point she accused me of just wanting them for myself and pointed out that Joe and I were divorced and I didn’t have any right to keep them.

She has also said that when they get married, the jewelry will legally be part of their marital assets anyway so I’m just putting off the inevitable.

I’m not planning on wearing them, per my agreement with Joe, I’ll wear the pieces I picked out and the rest will stay put away for Sara. I have zero intention of taking any of it out unless it’s necessary and even then, I’ll let Joe know what’s going on with it.

Joes has been radio silent and I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to cause any conflict that could have an impact on Sara.

So am I the asshole for not giving in and letting Lily have some of the jewelry meant for my daughter?

TLDR: My ex-husbands girlfriend wants some of the expensive jewelry left to my daughter when his mom passed away and I wouldn’t let her have it, and put it away for my daughter instead.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Novel-Sprinkles3333:

She is a pushy thing, isn't she? It is a big red flag, and I hope your ex sees it as such. The greed is really disgusting.

OP:

It’s just so bizarre that this is happening now. She’s been amazing since they started dating and has been great at taking things slowly with Sara and building a relationship with both her and I.

It’s been nothing but green flags up to now and I was so happy that he found someone that seemed so good for him and that makes him so happy. I don’t want to cause issues between them but this is definitely concerning and if it’s her true colors showing, she isn’t someone I want around my daughter.

Bigstachedad:

It might be telling that Joe has been radio silent during this back and forth with Lily. He may just not want to get involved in it or knows that the jewelry was willed to Sara.

The fact that Lily said it would be great to wear at her wedding and will be "marital assets" when she and Joe get married is delusional, She and Joe aren't even engaged! Unless I missed something in the story, doesn't all the jewelry legally belong to Sara?

OP:

I know they’ve talked about marriage but there hasn’t been any kind of proposal or anything beyond that. Prior to this happening, I was thrilled over the idea of them getting married, Lily has been great for my ex and for Sara up until now. I’m pretty upset that she may be showing her true colors now and I hope that’s not the case.

The jewelry was left to Sara with the notation that I could choose what I wanted from it because MIL had specified that I could choose anything I wanted as long as they will eventually end up with Sara. There’s zero possibility of it not going to her either when I pass or before if she wants it when she’s older. She’s my only child and will eventually inherit all of my assets.

OP:

No, not engaged. Marriage has been discussed between them but that’s as far as it’s gone. I was excited about the prospect until all of this.

I’m glad it’s not just me being weird about this, it’s not like she was asking about a piece of costume jewelry that doesn’t have quite as much sentimental value but about family heirloom pieces that have been passed down.

Sara is too young right now to really appreciate all of that but she had a very good relationship with her grandmother, even after the divorce we FaceTimed weekly, and I know how much it will mean to her to have when she’s older.

OP on who has legal rights to the jewelry and how does OP and Joe’s roles play in this when the jewelry is placed in the safe:

The jewelry was left to Sara and I. I was allowed to pick what I wanted from what was sent because there’s no question that it will be left to Sara when I pass, or given to her before then once she’s older. I don’t have any other kids or step kids so Sara will inherit all of my assets in the future including the pieces that MiL left to me.

Since it was his mom’s, I felt like it was right for him to be there when I sorted through it. If there had been anything that he wanted to keep with him, I wouldn’t have objected at all because while my MIL and I were close and it does belong to Sara now, that was his mom.

He and his parents had an amazing relationship and I would never have said he couldn’t have something of hers as long as we stuck to the agreement that everything eventually goes to Sara since that’s who it’s all intended to go to.

I was trying to do the right thing since we are still friends and I know how hard it was for him to lose his parents.

At the time I was genuinely thankful that Lily was there for emotional support because it was so hard to see pieces that my MIL wore frequently and treasured, it was just that punch in the gut reminder that she’s gone and how much she’s missed.

When his Dad passed, Joe and his brother inherited a very large collection of firearms with instructions to divide it up amongst their other siblings and the grandchildren as they saw fit.

FIL and I were close, although not as close as MIL and I were, so when the time came, Joe asked me to pick out something from his share of the collection to keep as a reminder of his dad and with the understanding that it will eventually be given to Sara.

I need to call Aunt that sent the jewelry and confirm but I suspect it was a similar set up, the jewelry was left to the girls to be divided up and distributed as they saw fit. Joe was told that it was being sent to Sara and I but there was no mention of any of the jewelry being set aside for him or his brother specifically.

Update:

So many of you asked for an update so here it is really quick. I wrote this out yesterday and figured out that it was probably better to make a new post than edit the other one with it. So yeah, here’s what’s going on.

Joe took an extended lunch yesterday and came by the house without Lily. I explained to him why I was reluctant to bring everything up but I was tired of being harassed about the jewelry and that I feel strongly about it belonging to Sara, not to either of us and certainly not to Lily.

He agreed immediately and was shocked to find out that she had been asking about it and then angry when I showed him the messages.

I figured the best course of action was a face to face conversation with him and being able to hand him my phone so he could see the conversation for himself and there would be no way for her to accuse me of making it up or photoshopping anything.

It sucked to see him so upset over it and I have a feeling that it’s going to get worse because from what he was saying, it sounds like Lily won’t be around much longer and regardless, she won’t be allowed back in my home and won’t be spending any time with Sara alone if he doesn’t break up with her.

I did also go first thing yesterday morning and open a safe deposit box at one of the local banks. It’s not the one I normally do business with and as of right now, my name is the only one on it and I have the only key.

I was worried about the possibility of Lily having any kind of access to the jewelry with it being in the house and until all of that is resolved, I feel better knowing that there’s no way for her to get to it.

Joe and I also discussed this when he came over and he said that he agrees completely that it’s the best course of action to safeguard Sara’s inheritance.

All but one of the pieces I picked out also went in and as much as I would love to have a couple of the other pieces to wear in remembrance of her on the really hard days, I would rather know it’s safe and I still have the one piece that brings me so much comfort.

All kinds of notarized documents will be on their way to me and should be here by the end of the week when I have a meeting set up with a lawyer to determine what else needs to be done to ensure that the jewelry will go to Sara without any issues or challenges.

I spoke to the Aunt that sent everything over the weekend after I posted this (and got so much good advice, thank you all!) and requested she send copies of everything pertaining to it along with documentation from her...

as the executor of what was sent to who, etc. I didn’t tell her about the issues with Lily, I don’t think that’s my place and I’ll let Joe deal with telling his family or not as he sees fit.

I have an appointment later today with a GIA certified appraiser so I should be able to take all of that with me to the lawyer as well as the pictures and video that I took of each piece last night. I’m still leaning towards a trust as the best way to make sure Sara’s interests and assets are protected but we’ll see what the lawyer says and go from there.

I feel terrible for Joe. He’s a great guy and even though our marriage didn’t work out, I still care about him and always will, he’s not just my child’s father but also one of my best friends and I want him to find someone to be with that loves him the way he deserves to be loved.

It’s just that whoever that is needs to understand that Sara is always going to come first and he and I will always work as a team to make sure that she’s happy, healthy, and successful in life, our relationships with each other and other people aren’t going to hinder her in any way.

Thank you to everyone that commented and offered so much good advice and support. I really do appreciate all of it more than I can tell you. I didn’t expect this to blow up the way it did and it’s really overwhelming to be honest. I probably won’t update anymore or add anything else to this so thank you again!

A few reponses to OP's update:

CosmicTuesday:

You guys seem to make a great team for Sara. She’s going to grow up very well loved

brmc214:

Honestly, Lily’s not entitled to that jewelry, and you’re right to keep it safe. Joe’s obviously backing you up, so it sounds like you’ve handled this with both grace and smarts. Props to you