Woman genuinely confused when bride & groom REJECT her wedding cake questions; GROOM FINDS POST and reveals shocking twist. AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman asks questions about her friend's wedding cake, she asks the internet:

"AITA for asking my friends specific questions about their wedding cake?"

I (22f) am in the wedding party of my friends we will call Em(25f) and Roe(25m) who will be getting married in about 2 months. I have been really excited for the wedding since it'll be an opportunity for all the friends from college to get together for the first time in 2 years. Not to mention Em and Roe are my best friends, or at least I thought they were.

We have a discord for all the wedding stuff and they have a channel about food. They've been really good about being open about the food they intend to have at the reception including vegan/vegitarian/gluten free options for everyone and answering questions so I didn't think there would be any contention if I asked a question.

Anyway, about 4 days ago I posted a message into the discord asking "Hey, what flavor is the cake gonna be?

I wanna mentally prepare myself lol." I think looking back my choice of extra words is what caused all this, but I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream. So I added it in the event the cake was chocolate.

I recieved a private message back that the cake would be chocolate and that if I had a problem with it then I could "shove it" cause it was their wedding not mine. And i felt really taken aback by this response.

Never did I mention that I would have been upset and I certainly wouldn't have put up a stink about it. Its exactly like Em had said, it's their wedding. I explained as much and tried to apologize for any offending I did but she got even more defensive and started basically blasting me for implying that she was offended and I was just left overall very confused.

I gave it two days before I tried to apologize again and smooth it over figuring she may have just been having a bad day but I got shut down again telling me she didn't need my apology cause nothing was wrong and I needed time stop trying to make it seem like shit was wrong between us and to just drop it.

I texted Roe to see if I could gauge what was going on since he and I have always had an open dialogue about things like this but he basically just told me he couldn't talk to me right now and I have to imagine its cause Em told him not to.

Its been 2 days since then and I'm just really confused. This whole thing has made me want to drop out of the wedding party and honestly not go at all. I wish Roe would talk to me and Em would be honest.

I can't help but think maybe I just don't get how stressful planning a wedding is and like maybe theyve gotten pushback from other people on other things and somehow its being taken out on me? Or is it really a big no no to ask stuff like this? I don't know? This is the first wedding i'll have ever gone to, so am I the asshole?

Before we give you UPDATES (groom and OP's responses), let's read some top comments:

dafahsd writes:

ESH - You admit to having 'but I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream.' Which means you are always complaining about people who serve chocolate types of desserts. Not just weddings.

And seemingly enough so, they felt to nip it in the bud to have to hear from you during the wedding about your dislike of chocolate.

But this post part for me was the 'icing on the cake' (pun intended), 'Or is it really a big no no to ask stuff like this?' Yes, yes it is when you are famous for complaining about the subject, that is very well known, in your own words.

So, they weren't being rude to you, but actually honest, and still you don't take the clue. And that is why they don't want to talk to you about, because it is useless. So don't go, if that is want, I am sure in the end they will probably pleased as punch as they will then have their cake and eat it too.

majestreg writes:

YTA The bride is swamped with details and probably stressed to the max and not in the mood for any comments about her wedding, even minor ones. A lot of planning has gone into every detail, you're only job is to smile and say how lovely everything is.

You've apologized and they said to drop it, so stop already. If you continue to bring this topic up, especially before the wedding, then you're trying to make yourself the main character. If you drop out of the wedding now, the you'd be a major AH for rudeness and disrespect.

fadgds7 writes:

NTA and are you serious right now. All of this because you asked what flavour the cake is? Who doesn’t want to eat cake so if you can’t then yeah you have to prepare for that. Instead of not going why don’t you just not eat the cake. If anyone asks just tell them you cannot eat chocolate it disagrees with you.

(Which they obviously knew and decided chocolate would be best anyways) Seems to me like there are much deeper issues perhaps between the bride and groom, and they are using this so that they don’t have to face those issues. I don’t think it has anything to do with you at all.

Tell your very good friend to grow up. Maybe she is a little too immature to be thinking about getting married if she’s blowing a stack over the question of what flavour is the cake……..especially when taking in considerations for everyone else’s food allergies, likes, dislikes, etc, etc.

adsghas7 writes:

Dang y'all. NTA. She just asked a question. The bride or groom just could have replied that she better brace herself then bc it's chocolate, and everybody could have left it at that.

Now if she took it further then yea, definitely the ah. I get that wwdsing planning is stressful and if the bride/groom had snapped at the time I would understand. It's been several days, the OP has apologized mulriple times and whats more,

OP is in the bridal party, so she is conceivably spending money and taking vacation time to participate. If even I felt OP was in the wrong, the bride and groom are WORSE because OP question was harmless, but they have OPs time and money in their hands and up in the air.

throwenddd writes:

NTA - this just sounds like lack of efficient communication tbh. I do agree you shouldn’t push on it with them anymore. Take a break from thinking about it. When I was younger I definitely had the issue of making small things a big deal, thinking everyone had a problem with me, due to childhood trauma.

Take a deep breath and subtract yourself from the equation. Don’t overthink too much about peoples feelings especially if they refuse to share them. Basically, leave them where they’re at.

Personally, If someone were to ask what my wedding cake flavors were, especially if I knew they hated a certain flavor, I would just tell them I also have an autistic boyfriend and a picky sister, so I’ve learned to be patient / considerate about food dislikes.

Someone else’s opinions wouldn’t sway what my desires are for my wedding, so I don’t see a reason to be upset about it. I’d just be like “too bad.” Lol maybe that was their thought process too!

In situations where you’re unsure, it’s easy to think of the worst case scenario. What if you thought of the best case? Show up to their wedding, be considerate of the RSVP. If things are weird after that, than yeah, maybe your communication styles are too different.

People on reddit can be very extreme with their opinions sometimes. But overall, I think this is what the more popular comments are trying to convey. I just don’t personally agree that shitting on people makes them change their habits.

For that reason, it’s important to keep in mind what the bride and groom are also going through, and the possible experiences that inform their decisions.

Like, if you know your friend tends to be a people pleaser, than maybe she reacted harshly because those feelings were coming up when answering your question. Alternatively, as I stated before, maybe it was a joke that you missed. Either way, empathy goes a long way!

Update 1: THE GROOM (Roe) CLAPS BACK AFTER FINDING THE POST (OP replies too):

Hey Izzy. Not surprised you didn’t share the whole story. You never do. Just like last year’s surprise party for Em (tldr: Izzy here spoiled the surprise and tried to claim my present was hers).

I’m “Roe”, the groom to be. I don’t do Reddit, but my best man does and frequents this thread. He saw this post and it was so obvious it’s you. This whole cake thing did happen but it is NOT the whole story and did NOT go the way Izzy claims.

First off, cake was not her only complaint. You refused to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette dinner cause “I have poor taste”, you said my suit was tacky cause I wanted white and not traditional black, you whined about the bridesmaids dresses being purple cause you wanted Ivory.

Any decision we’ve made there’s ALWAYS a complaint. And Em has done nothing but be patient and try and find common ground. She should not have to change her wedding choices for you.

Second, we NEVER told you to “shove it”. Em only messaged you privately because she was tired of having to argue in the group chat. Everyone else is tired of your bullshit too so we didn’t want to bother them with it. It’s a cake. Eat it or don’t.

You have hated me ever since I joined the friend group. And that’s fine! But you will NOT ruin Em’s day because of your pettiness. If you care about her, then honor her decisions. Of COURSE Em is different!

Cause she grew tf up! All of us did except you! My god you’re 22, stop acting like a spoiled teenager, chocolate cake will not kill you (btw asshole I’m 26 not 25, pay attention). I wasn’t angry about this until you decided to go to the internet for pity. It’s pathetic and immature.

For the record, Em double checked my response. She signed off on it. Get it together.

Update 2 OP replies:

Its pathetic and immature to anonymously post asking for advice on Reddit but you coming here starting shit and posting my real name isn't?

Okay, Marcus, since we're not hiding anymore how does it feel to have your shit aired for real? Here's how I KNOW Em didn't sign off, becuase she never would have agreed to using my real name.

You're just trying to get me upset at her too. She's my best friend, and I should have known you'd do this.

You always try to manipulate us into being mad at each other. Case in point when I had planned this really awesome dinner for just her and I and you had to plan her suprise party for the same day. I just wanted alone time with my best friend but you couldn't wait one day for the party.

Em has known me far longer than you, and no offense, I'm sure I know her better than you do. But I've kept my mouth shut because I love her and just want her to be happy.

I complain about everything? Then how come I've never said anything about the hundreds of times you've made Em cancel plans with me to go hang out with you? I just wanted my bff to spend a little time with me. We're not allowed to have sleepovers anymore cause it "makes you uncomfy" or take a girls trip for the weekend because "too expensive".

Sorry you can't take care of her like I can. Some of us can afford rent. Clearly this was never about the cake and more so about you hating me. I was fine when you joined the friend group, but you clearly weren't fine with mine and Ems relationship. You've been the same towards some of her other friends who I'm sure would agree.

Get a life Marcus. Stop trying to take mine.

Roe replies:

The plan was for you to distract her while we setup the party by taking her to a movie, not going to the movies then taking her to dinner and TELLING HER OF THE PARTY. We waited hours expecting y'all to be back.

I have never once made Em cancel. She always did that on her own, and not frequently at all. You have had plenty of time alone with her. Just because she spends time with me too doesn't mean I'm forcing her to.

And yes, a trip to multiple countries across Europe is very much too expensive. We already live paycheck to paycheck, which you know. I know money isn't a concern for you but it very much is for us. Not all of us have apartments paid for by dad.

Nobody else seems to think the same things about me, and if I'm wrong I will gladly listen and change. But that requires communication directly, not anonymous Reddit posts.

You may have known her longer, but you clearly don't know Em well. You fail to see how miserable your comments and attitude have made her these past few months. For her sake, knock it off.

OP:"Paid by daddy" real mature asshole. You know I work hard like everyone else. Its not my fault my parents made better decisions than yours and can actually help their kids.

And of course I wasn't just gonna take her to the movies on her birthday a rouse or not it was still her birthday and shes my friend and I love her and wanted her to an actually decent meal other than the shitty pizza you bought for her.

Also yeah maybe you didn't tell Em to cancel, but knowingly asking for plans when we had them is basically the same thing. Before you, she was fine. She had everything she needed.

And for all of you in the comments saying I have a crush or want to fuck Em, you're delusional and know nothing about me. We're best friends. I love her. She loves me. Not my fault we have natural chemistry that everyone over the internet can feel. But its not like that.

Roe:

No. I never made Em cancel anything. I'm fine with her having sleepovers. Izzy wanted to do it at our apartment and kept begging Em to have me sleep on the couch so I wouldn't ruin "girls night". For the record, Em shut it down not me.

She's capable of making her own decisions, I trust her to set her boundaries. If I came off as uncomfortable, Izzy never mentioned it till now

Em still wants Izzy there. they've been friends for years. I won't make her kick her out, but I'm starting to reach the point where I want it. And no she didn't steal it. She claimed she purchased the gift cause "i was too poor to afford it". It was a rather expensive purse Em eyed once while shopping but couldn't get at the time, so I saved for it.