Woman gets engaged; gets immediately ghosted by her best friend. 'WTF did I do?!' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE
When this woman is upset by her friend's decision to ghost her, she asks the internet:
"My best friend ghosted me after I got engaged. AITA?"
So as the title suggests, my best friend has not spoken to me since the beginning of December. Molly (name changed) and I met three years ago on social media. We had been following each other because we have similar interests and live in the same town.
One day she messaged me asking to be friends and the rest is history. I was very excited because I don’t have many friends and it was so nice to have so many things in common. I already knew of Molly’s long term (10 years) boyfriend, Tony, because he is a semi-popular musician in our town.
Molly is an angel of a human being. Hard working, caring, a real catch, honestly. I would frequently joke to Tony that if he wasn’t going to put a ring on it soon, I would...and that leads me into this whole disaster. As I mentioned, Tony is a fairly well known musician in our town.
He is also known as an overgrown 12 year old. He is basically your annoying little brother, just taller and with facial hair. I don’t dislike the guy at all, he is very talented and fun to be around (in small doses).
Do I see what Molly sees in him? No absolutely not. He farts and burps at the dinner table, insists on blasting while we’re trying to have conversations, sleeps until 3pm, is unnecessarily loud...
demands Molly to cook for him 3 meals a day, has never unloaded a dishwasher or cleaned a thing in his life, etc. Molly is way out of his league, honestly. Yet, she loves him and thinks sun shines out of his behind.
The first time I asked Molly about what she wants out of life in the future she immediately said marriage and kids. I asked about where Tony stands in that area she said he obviously wants the same.
Tony even has his grandmothers ring that was given to him to propose to her. I asked “do you guys talk about it?”. That’s when it came up that he basically shuts down or changes the subject. She doesn’t see anything wrong with him responding that way because he just “doesn’t like serious conversations”.
This worried me for her, but at this point we didnt know eachother well so I didn’t say anything. As time went on she would talk about wanting to get engaged.
She would send me links to rings she liked and ask me to send them to Tony. I did, and every time he would either threaten to block me or ignore me. She sent me her wedding Pinterest board.
I sent it to him, he ignored me. She sent me this really heart wrenching message about how the anniversary of their first date was coming up and how special it would be if he proposed, I told him about it, he told me to shut up.
I stopped sending him things after a while because to me, it was very clear. I don’t think he wants to commit. I will admit I never actually said that to her, although I don’t know if she would ever listen.
She always told me I don’t know nearly as much about relationships as her because I was either single or not with my boyfriend (now fiancé) as long as she was with Tony.
I met Noah a year after I met Molly. I wasn’t looking for anything because I had come out of a long term abusive relationship a year and a half prior, but Noah is something else. He is a total gem.
He treats me so incredibly well, and although we took things slow, I knew he was the one quickly. Molly was really happy for me and we ended up hanging out as a group often. Noah and Tony became pretty good friends too.
As my relationship with Noah got more serious and we moved in together, Molly joked a few times about killing me if I got engaged before her. Noah and I talked often about our future.
He is 3 years younger than me so it was important that we were on the same page. I want to be married and have kids before I’m 35. The only thing that we don’t agree on right now is I want to elope and he wants a huge wedding!
My town has been in and out of lockdown for a year now and while we haven’t seen our friends often at all, we have kept in touch daily. Since Noah and I have basically been alone together this whole time we also have been talking more seriously about our future.
I had no idea he had a ring and was going to propose to me when he did, though. He surprised me with my dream ring two months ago and I could not have been more happy.
I called Molly before I called my family. She didn’t pick up so I texted her a picture of it. I waited a while and didn’t hear back so I called my family. Hours go by and I haven’t heard from her.
I thought it was weird but was in complete bliss so I posted a picture on social media and got drunk with my now fiancée and went to bed. Next morning, still nothing from Molly. She did see my picture on social media though.
I talk to Noah and that’s when he tells me she was cold towards him when he showed her the ring he wanted to get me a few months earlier. I text Molly a few more times, and call her multiple times.
She has not spoken to me in two months as of today. I reached out to Tony to make sure she was alive and she is, she just won’t speak to me.
I completely understand that she is upset. And when I reached out after the ring picture I told her that. I told her we don’t have to talk about wedding stuff even. I’m not trying to plan a wedding any time soon. I just want to talk to my best friend. I’m completely heart broken.
Noah thinks I should stop reaching out because this kind of behaviour is selfish on her end. I disagree personally, I can see why she is upset I just want to talk to her. Should I give up, say something specific, move on?
TLDR: best friend has not spoken to me since I got engaged. Her bf of 10 years won’t commit and I think she’s jealous that mine of 2 years will. Should I move on or ask for her back in my life?
EDIT: I accidentally left out that every time Molly asked me to send Tony something I screenshotted his responses. Whether he told me to shut up or ignored me, she saw it. When I stopped sending things his way I told her that I didn’t want to anymore because he clearly isn’t interested. edit 2: Tony is 38 and Noah is 27.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
moosepengu writes:
Listen to your fiancé's advice. If Molly is truly the good friend you believe her to be, she will eventually reach out and apologize for distancing herself. If not, well, then you will know she is not the friend you thought her to be.
Yes, undoubtedly her feelings about her own relationship and Tony not committing are causing her grief, but it is not fair to take out her anger on you.
However, two months is an awfully long time to have zero contact over this and, at this point, you should begin the process of accepting that Molly is no longer your friend. A week or two of no contact?
Sure, that would be somewhat understandable, but two months? It is time to question the friendship. There's a big difference between ZERO contact and her saying to you "hey, I need some distance right now while I process my feelings."
fjored87 writes:
While I 100% understand what everyone else here is thinking, I do believe the truth is somewhere between Noah's perception and OP's perception.
Molly is being selfish and unfair and her simply ghosting OP is nothing short of childish and immature, pretty much like "If I don't see it, it doesn't exist". Noah is completely correct in saying that reaching out to someone like that is pointless and that Molly is not a good friend based on her reaction.
However, I feel that Molly's feelings are very valid and that OP is right there. I have read several times on this sub that there's a lot of understanding towards women who, for example, have trouble getting pregnant and distance themselves from pregnant friends because it hurts them and they can't be good friends anymore.
I think Molly is in a similiar position and this is not completely her fault. She's clearly wearing rose-colored glasses, but there's also the fact that she, Tony and also OP have all worked together on creating an environment where Molly still has (actually futile) hope of getting engaged.
Tony is at fault because he doesn't just tell her he doesn't want to get married. Molly is at fault because she lets him get away with not having such a conversation and instead opts for some sort of link-forwarding-hint-route, thinking that that will get the job done.
Now, Tony has clearly shown by his responses to OP that he's not willing to settle down with Molly, but OP kept this to herself instead of helping Molly see the truth and, by that, is also sort of at fault that Molly is still hoping for an engagement.
That doesn't mean that it's OP's job to tell Molly, but I would personally expect it from my best friend. All in all, I feel like not just Molly, but also her whole environment has kept her in this state of constant unhappiness without her knowing what's really going on.
So, all in all, I think Molly's feelings are, in the situation she is in, very valid. Her reaction, however, isn't.
What I would personally do is being a real friend to Molly, even if it's for the last time and will drive her away forever. I would (finally) text her about what Tony has said every time he got one of those wedding-related links.
It will give Molly one more chance to really take the rose-colored glasses off - and it might be the only chance to actually save the friendship. If things stay how they are, Molly will remain unhappy and waiting for something that everyone but her knows will never come.
But if OP can show Molly Tony's texts/screenshots, she has a bigger chance of realizing what's going on. Sure, she'll likely resent OP even more at first ("She got engaged and is now kicking me while I'm down", basically), but when she'll finally be ready to accept the truth, she might come around and reach out again.
If OP then still wants her back after her immature and selfish behavior is, of course, a different matter and should be carefully considered.
purplepuppy writes:
Since I can't seem to reply to the newest post, I'll put it here - I'm sorry your friend is being shitty, and I think it's good you're accepting that it has to be over between you two.
I also wanna say that, considering Tony, as a 28 year old man started dating Molly as a 19 year old teenage girl, I sympathize that he has likely seriously damaged how she thinks relationships should be.
Her developing years as an adult have all gone to this significantly older man who has never once treated her with the respect she deserves. Seeing someone else's actually healthy relationship is understandably frustrating as it makes her question everything Tony has taught her.
However, that's not your problem to fix. If him being rude to you when you sent him her pictures board (let alone the fact that she felt she needed to to through you instead of just showing him herself) wasn't enough to make her see how shitty of a man she's with, nothing will.
And unfortunately that's how a lot of these relationships where an older person grooms a younger person goes. Especially if he has influence over her (being in a popular band).
At the end of the day, Molly needs therapy. She needs to see her boyfriend for who he actually is, and not who she wants him to be. She has to accept that what she is doing is settling, while what you are doing is living, and you're allowed to be happy even if she isn't.
Again, that is all stuff she'll need to learn on her own. It's just unfortunate that the first relationship that made her question hers happened so late into the toxic relationship. It's scary to leave.
Anyway, I only say this because it helps me to understand the other person's perspective. Maybe appreciating that her toxicity stems from deeper than what she's showing here, and a lot of it comes from having been a vulnerable teenager when she was scooped up by her asshole boyfriend, will help you feel less like the reason she's upset.
I'm really happy for you and your fiancé tho, I wish you both the best! Losing a best friend is tough, but it sounds like your real best friend is the one who you're gonna marry.
lavala writes:
She's misplacing her anger. She should be upset about her boyfriend not being what she wants him to be, should have broken up with that guy when it became evident they wanted different things, but instead is settling for an overgrown 12 year old.
Give her time. If she's really your friend, she will reach out eventually. Don't check in on her, just ignore her behavior.
She's probably wanting the attention, because based on who she's dating, she herself is probably not as grown up as she might seem. I know it sucks to lose your bestie, but in this case, you getting engaged might be forcing her to examine her life.
And now, OP's major update:
Hi everyone! I got a lot of really amazing, lovely and helpful comments in my last post so I thought I would share an update. It isn’t much, but I think this will be the end of my saga.
Molly reached out to me a few days after my initial post. I don’t think it’s because she saw the post or anything like that, I think its just when she felt it was the right time.
She basically said “sorry if you felt like I was ignoring you, I just needed space to sort out my feelings about you getting engaged before me and I didn’t feel like it was fair”.
That’s not really what I wanted her to say but I accepted it because I wanted my friend back. My fiancée (LOL I can’t remember what fake name I used for him so I’m just going to call him my fiancée) was not happy with this response from her and warned my to keep my distance.
I ended up just being civil with her, I missed her so we chatted her and there but nothing more than that. Valentine’s Day came and I asked her if she and Tony had any plans. She said no, and asked me what we were doing. I was hesitant to tell her but realized it’s not up to me to downplay what my fiancée does for me to protect her feelings.
I told her I got flowers, balloons, and my fiancée arranged for cupcakes from my favourite bakery to be delivered and he pre ordered a special edition of my favourite book for me. I got him a bottle of his favourite whisky and a voucher for a car wash and detailing.
She took a while to respond...and then I got a phone call. I pick up and it’s Molly. I was in the kitchen making drinks so I put her on speakerphone. Say says to me “Tony says he is going to hunt your fiancée down and beat him up for making him look bad today” she’s laughing about this. I don’t think it’s very funny.
My fiancée yells from the living room “it’s not that hard to buy flowers!!!” She responds with “well Tony hasn’t left the house in a while so he couldn’t get me anything” my fiancée responded with “I bought them online ?”
She hung up on me. That’s it for me, I’m done with this relationship. I realize that this is toxic and I shouldn’t have waited around for her.
After all this she is still making excuses for her deadbeat boyfriend and I don’t want that presence in mine or my fiancées life. I want to thank you all again for all your support, if it wasn’t for you all helping me see the light things might not have ended this way. TLDR; she came back into my life with a lacklustre apology, we are no longer friends.