My (39F) husband (41M) has a successful online business. He attends a marketing convention every year which is 15 minutes from our house, & this year he’s flying in his 7 remote staff members to attend the conference with him.
A few months ago, he asked me what I thought if he rented an Air BNB for him & his staff to stay in, so I said “uhh, I think that’s fine. The only reason I’d be uncomfortable with it is if there were women staying in the house as well.” Well, later that evening, we brought the topic up again, & he said yes some of them are women, so I said no.
The conversation was dropped, but then a few months later he says he's spending the night there & that he told me about it. I told him even if he did, that I certainly didn’t remember, because I would have told him again that I wasn’t comfortable with it.
The main reason I’m uncomfortable is because I don’t think it’s a good idea legally for him to stay at an Air BNB with female employees (there are two unmarried Fs in their mid-20’s on his staff).
The reward doesn’t outweigh the risk of any perceived sexual harassment issues, in my mind. The Air BNB is only 20 minutes away from our own house. He’s able to stay at the house hanging out with them as long as he wants. I just ask that he came home to sleep.
So the team arrives, everything is going fine, H & his team are going to the conference together, hanging out until all hours in the evening, & then coming home to sleep. H dropped a lot of money for a VIP tour at a major amusement park for the last day, & he wanted me to come too.
Two nights before that scheduled outing, I get a fb message from one of his employees (F), asking if I could spend the night at the AirBNB the night before the outing.
In the morning, H admits that he told his employees that I wasn’t comfortable with him spending the night, & how about she (the F) should message me to try & convince me. I about flew off the handle.
He totally threw me under the bus, & he didn’t even tell them it was because of legal reasons. Also, I saw this as a complete breach in privacy & trust between a H & a W.
I write a very nice reply explaining the reason, & she responds “oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way, makes sense!”. Apparently the next morning, she reads my message aloud in the car with everyone in it (including my H). Which, I’m somewhat glad for (since now everyone knows the reason), but also, how awkward for everyone.
Today is the day of the VIP event. I rearranged my entire schedule beforehand to be able to go to this, & now I just feel the entire thing is so awkward. H is very apologetic about the whole thing, really wants me to go the VIP event today.
I know he wants me to go to be with me, but another part of me knows it’s because if I DON’T show up today, then that will & more fuel to the gossip fire among his employees. I just don’t want to be the butt of a joke. AITA in any of this situation? Am I overreacting?
NTA. There's no reason for everyone to sleep in the same accommodation. They're coworkers, not friends. Your husband should at least have rented two apartments : one for the men, one for the women.
You're right about your concerns about sexual harassment but also about your jealousy as a wife, even if you don't mention it, it would be understandable.
Your husband screwed up big time. He should never have talked to his employees about his relationship, it's very inappropriate.
And on top of that, he asked an employee to convince you ? Unacceptable. He's somehow humiliated you and is sharing your private life with strangers.
Your husband didn't take your point of view into account at all and instead of talking to you about it, he asked outsiders to meddle in your relationship's issues... it's a very bad move.
Why is he asking a female employee to message you to ask if he’s allowed to stay over? That’s really sketchy and totally crosses a line. You told him your boundaries about staying overnight with female employees, he didn’t respect it by asking them to ask you.
NTA and I’d be having strong words with my husband for putting my in that position. Go on the trip, you’ve done nothing wrong. Husband on the other hand should be feeling awkward.
NTA. He needs to be smarter and to get everyone their own hotel rooms in the future. It’s a legal minefield to cohabitate employees overnight in the same space.
NTA I think your husband put you in a really awkward spot. Also with this being so close to your home it makes zero sense that he wouldn't just stay home vs the airbnb. He is a middle aged married man with a home and wife down the road. They are single 20 something ladies. He should've just come home.
NTA. Asking a female employee to message his wife and ask if her husband can spend the night borders on harassment. It would have been hard for the employee to refuse. I don’t think you are the person the employees are going to gossip about. Your husband had an opportunity to look like a leader. Now he looks like a child who wants to be part of the gang.
NTA - your husband disrespected you at every turn in this story Jesus.
NTA but hubby needs a crash course in common sense. You never, ever create a work-related situation where you have men and women sharing the same accommodation.
That is an HR nightmare waiting to happen (see my screen name). I've spent my entire career cleaning up after this kind of thing and, even if you get out of it without lawyers, it's expensive, time-consuming and tends to really mess with the balance of a team.
One drink too many, one offhand remark, one wrong turn on the way to the loo at 3 am and it's off to the races. I have enough horror stories to write a book, if I ever have time in between cleaning up messes.
Sounds like your husband was trying too hard to be one of the gang and forgot that he's the actual boss and business owner.