Woman tells girlfriend to 'get over' her fear if she wants kids, 'it's just NOT possible.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my girlfriend she's going to have to get over dirt if she wants kids?"

My (25F) girlfriend Amy (27F) is a wonderful person. She's very smart, she works in a clean room with computer chips and stuff. But she's also something of a germaphobe. To the point that she keeps her tooth brush in the hallway outside the bathroom in a zip locked bag.

Her apartment is always spotless, she showers twice-thrice a day, even her car somehow never has any dirt on the floor. She handwashes all of her clothes as soon as she's done wearing them. It's both impressive and intimidating.

I'm not the messiest person on the planet by any means, I don't have massive piles of unwashed dishes or a leaning tower of used pizza boxes or anything, but I'm not as clean as she is. I'm not against making some adjustments, but we've been talking more about the future now that we're getting serious and I've come across a problem.

Amy wants kids. Desperately, wants kids. I'd like kids too. But she's never been around babies or little kids before in her life and seems to think she'll be able to keep the house just as clean as it is now and keep the baby spotless too.

I'm the oldest of four, and the oldest cousin of nine. I grew up around kids, I've been baby sitting since I was ten. There's no such thing as a clean toddler, not for longer than ten minutes at the very most. She thinks if we just work at it, we have a spotless house and a spotless kid.

I told her (gently) that that's just not possible, and asked how she plans on handling diapers, vomit, frogs smuggled into the house, jam going everywhere, soup bowls tipped over for fun, spilled grape juice, nail polish on the walls and the like. She insisted that the kids who do that are just "poorly trained" and don't have good boundaries.

I told her that they're kids without fine motor control or impulse regulation, and accidents will always happen. And if she wants to have kids she's going to have to accept that they're going to get messy and our house will get messy.

Amy accused me of not being supportive and trying to find excuses not to have kids with her and trying to guilt her into being sloppier. This is dissolving into an actual fight instead of a discussion and I'm starting to second guess myself.

Maybe my family was just excessively messy because we were rural and poor, maybe my standards are too low and we really haven't tried hard enough. It's very frustrating and I want some outside perspective. Parental perspective especially."

Here's what people had to say to OP:

DustyBoarTusk said:

Dad of two here, you're NTA and you're right. Messes are inevitable with kids. You can't "work at" getting a newborn to not spit up, or not pee during a diaper change. You Potty training exists, of course, but you're gonna be dealing with so many accidents.

So many late-night sheet changes. You'll find food on your kids in the weirdest, most random places. She needs to lower her expectations or she's going to be horribly disappointed.

Throne-magician said:

NTA she has no clue at all. She thinks she'll just command little kids to be nice and clean...has she meet a toddler? Because they can and will do the f they want and will do it in the most f you way just to spite you.

jrm1102 said:

NTA - sounds like Amy may actually need some mental health counseling. Not to play psychologist but this seems a little beyond being a “neat freak." And youre right. Kids are little gross whirlwinds of dirt and germs.

nytefox42 said:

NTA. Her obsession with cleanliness, while necessary at work, is unhealthy outside of work. Showering 2-3 times a day is actually BAD for her skin. I'm going to say this crosses into a mental health issue and she should get therapy for that. Because this is going to end up causing problems in every aspect of her life.

Caspian4136 said:

NTA. Mom of two here. One time when my oldest was a baby around 12 months old she had a bad diaper rash so after she pooped, I put her in her crib diaper free for her nap (the air helps with rashes).

Well guess what? She pooped and smeared it all over her crib and self lol Thank god dad was home to help with that one as it was a code brown emergency haha.

Kids are very messy and it can be downright gross at times. It's not for the faint of heart I tell you lol She has very unrealistic views about it and I'm not sure how you can reach her, other than get her exposed to some babies and toddlers so she can see it first hand.

smittyhotep said:

NTA, also, lots of people here are worried for said future kids. Those are great points of view. I, however, am worried for OP. She's going to expect OP to adopt her habits and methods, and it won't ever be enough.

mcmpearl said

NTA. Her expectations are unreal. I really worry about the kids vs her. Attempting to have anyone meet her standards would be painful for that person. Doing it to kids would be torturous, cruel and lead them straight to the psychiatrist's office.

Creative_Carrot_7514 said:

NTA, she doesn't understand reality. Control is a illusion and children need to be taught. You can't simply reason with or set immediately accepted boundaries with a toddler. Is she neuro-spicy? She clearly has OCD. You are right and she needs to come to terms with this (in therapy) before having kids.

SilverSister22 said:

The “poorly trained” part made me think WTF? I’m feeling sorry for her hypothetical kids. NTA. Kids are messy and dirty and oblivious.

-noodlebrains said:

NTA. You are absolutely correct, coming from a mom of 3. And my kids are great. But messes are unavoidable. do your siblings have any children you could babysit for an hour or two sometime? That could potentially open up her eyes to the reality!

AcrossTheUniverse82 said:

NTA. And don’t have kids with her unless she accepts that kids are kids and are messy. If she doesn’t and has a kid I fear she would traumatize them with her crazy standards of cleanliness. That child will be in therapy for years when she’s done with them.

Embarrassed_Fan_8380 said:

Old parent of two - you're being absolutely realistic. There will of course be mess- and more importantly, if she tries to instill this perfect spotless life onto a child, that child is going to end up with real mental issues around dirt and hygiene. NTA.