I (44F) am a single mom to my 18-year-old son. I work full time, make a decent income, and have some savings set aside from what my late husband left us. Over the past several years, I have been building a college fund for my son, and he is aware of this and fully expected to receive it when he graduates this year.
So, over the past couple of years, he has dated several girls for a few weeks to a few months at a time. They all seemed nice enough, and he was having a good time, so I didn't mind, as long as he was careful.
But about three months ago, he brought home his latest girlfriend, Lisa (she's 17), and we really formed a connection. She doesn't have a great home life and started seeing me as a trusted adult in her life.
Yesterday she called me in tears, almost hysterical, so I told her to please come over straight away and reassured her that everything would be okay. She asked if my son was home, and I told her he was not. She came over, and I tried to comfort her.
She confided in me that she was pregnant, and her parents were kicking her out of the house. I told her she could stay with us and would always be welcome here. She seemed unsure and responded sarcastically and angrily. I asked her why, and she told me my son had broken up with her because she was pregnant.
I was furious with him. He was out with his "friends," and I called him repeatedly until he picked up. I expressed my disbelief that I had raised such a selfish person who couldn't even be bothered to support the girl he claimed to love and his own child. I stated that even if he didn't want to take responsibility for this, Lisa and her baby were going to be part of our family, and she would live with us.
I also mentioned that I would give his college fund to her to help her start a life for herself and the baby. He was shocked and said I should be "in his corner" because I'm his mom. I retorted that he didn't deserve someone in his corner right now, and then I hung up on him. He came home late at night and went straight to his room.
This is such a messed-up situation, and I just want to hear someone else's opinion. Am I in the wrong here? Was I too harsh? Is there something I could be missing?
OP answered a question:
NTA (Not the A%#hole) you're doing right and you're a saint for helping this girl and holding your son accountable, but is abortion off the table?
She doesn’t want to abort. I offered to help her with it if she wants to, but she says she wants to raise her baby even if it’s not the way she hoped it would happen.
Here are some of the top comments:
I don't think you're in the wrong for wanting to be supportive of her and for your son to be involved. However, before you make life-changing decisions, such as giving away your son's college fund, I'd recommend a few steps: Confirm the pregnancy and get a paternity test.
As of now, you don't have the full story. If it turns out she is pregnant and it is his child, then, by all means, move forward with your plans of her moving in and being supportive.
However, I wouldn't rush to give away his college fund right away. If he is having a child, he needs to have an education and a stable job to financially support the child. An honest heart-to-heart conversation with just your son is definitely needed.
I understand that emotions were high when this all happened, but you don't want to lose your son in the process if it can be avoided. Some tough love may be needed, and he should be held accountable for his part in making this baby, but completely pushing him away isn't the solution.
Afterward, I'd recommend sitting down with both of them to figure out how all this will work, what the expectations are, and how this dynamic will function. Consider questions like whether she will be going to school, contributing to the household, how expenses will be handled, and who will manage appointments and other related matters. There's a lot to work out.
INFO: are you sure it is his child? How would you feel if it turns out it wasn’t his? Would you still consider her family? Have you even confirmed the pregnancy?
The point I’m making is that giving away a whole college fund is a permanent decision, and you need to make sure your son is actually the father and he is really going to abandon his kid before you do that.
Sorry, but your reaction was way over the top. A few things: You're letting your sympathy for Lisa cloud your judgment. Please don't take it the wrong way, but let your son explain how it happened. What if the baby isn't even his?
You can't be sure, as you don't know the girl that well to make such a definite call. What if she did this to get out of her house? Maybe your kid knows something you don't, so I suggest listening to him first.
Don't strip him of the opportunity to go to college. He will need a good education, regardless of the situation. Please try to help Lisa in other ways without depriving your kid of the chance to start a good career.
Even if he's acting like a jerk, he's still your kid, and you should sit down with him for a conversation about why he feels he has no obligation toward Lisa and the baby and how to improve that.
All in all, I think you didn't react appropriately, and you should try having a conversation with him first. YTA (You're the A%#hole).
There's so much to unpack in this post. NTA (Not the Asshole). It's very kind of you to let her stay with you. First, you need to sit your son down and have a serious conversation with him about responsibility.
Second, is the young woman certain about keeping the baby? She's 17, and you should consider how she will manage life as a whole. Third, are they absolutely sure the baby is your son's? It may sound like an uncomfortable question, but both of them are young.
Fourth, will taking away his college funds really help the situation, or will it likely damage your relationship with your son? Fifth, are you prepared to take on long-term responsibilities for the young woman and the baby?
I'm just pointing out that there is much more to this situation than just taking away his college funds and letting her stay with you. There's a baby on the way, and you need to delve into various aspects to ensure the baby can have a good life when it arrives.
What do you think? Is OP right to give her son's college fund to his ex-girlfriend?